It is easier to notice emotional unavailability in others than to notice it within ourselves. When we are able to point it out in others, it is time to look within. We rarely see issues in other people unless, we too have them within us. If you don't believe me it is time to book your cruise up Denial. (Not to be confused with the River Nile.)
The key to healing emotional unavailability is complete self acceptance and unconditional love of the self. This is what I help my clients with. I have done it myself. There was never anyone more emotionally broken, shattered, negative or codependent than me. If I can do it, so can you!
You cannot love yourself when you hold a baseball bat in one hand to beat yourself up with and a magnifying glass in the other to magnify all your faults. We all have faults and we all have a shadow side. Loving all those parts is what unconditional love is all about. Doing this on your own could take you a lifetime like it took me. Or you could ask for my help. The choice is yours.
Below are some ways to begin to open up, let go of fear and allow someone in:
- Awareness of an issue shines light where darkness has been. Once you are aware, your issues can begin to change.
- Tell your partner you are working on some deep issues. Ask for support in your growth process.
- Know that you are not broken. Your heart closed up to protect you. When you feel safe enough you will begin to open and let down the walls.
- Spend time in quiet, repose. Go within and forgive yourself. Self forgiveness is the first step in letting go of walls that divide you from deep authenticity.
- Use the Kahuna healing prayer and talk to your inner child envision your inner child and look them in their eyes while saying: I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you thank you.
- Envision yourself hugging your inner child. You may cry. You may feel relief.
- Notice ways that you run away from conflict, deep conversations, and sexual intimacy. Pay attention to times that you begin to separate from conversations that feel too deep. Remind yourself to stay connected during love-making. Make eye contact with your partner instead of closing your eyes. Disassociation is common with sexual intimacy. Stay with your partner instead of separating from your body.
- Relax and breathe. Being in the present moment instead of focusing on the past and future will help you stay connected to what is going on in the now.
- Develop deep trust with your partner with soulful communication. Being conscious, aware and connected, rather than busy with your cell phone, Internet, and television. All of these devices can increase separation from self and deepen emotional unavailability. Alcohol, drugs, and work are areas which we can avoid deep intimacy. Notice where you shut down using these things.
- Hire a coach that has healed these issues. A coach can provide insight into your patterns that create separation and avoidance.