Friday, March 11, 2016

Affairs and Other Achilles' Heel

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

I just got off the phone with my dear friend and Ipsasalu Tantra teacher, Prem Sarovara. He reminded me what a fabulous book Orgasm For Life is. Today, I am including a full excerpt from my book, Orgasm For Life. If you haven't bought your copy, it is time you did. If you want great sex, a sizzling connected and happy relationship, you need to read it. So here we go!

I asked to be shown what portion to include today and this is what I got. Warning there is sexual content on this page. If you hate sex, this is a sign you don't love the core of who you are. Schedule a session with me and let's get started on a self-love coaching program.

From Chapter 7

Love That Lasts

According to Statistics Brain.com, 57% of men admit to being unfaithful in any relationship while 54% of women cheated. 36% admitted to Infidelity with a co-worker, with 35% of men and women had affairs on business trips. Most affairs last an average of two years. Time, energy and love is being channeled in a different
direction and undermines the marriage. 74% of the men surveyed said that they would have an affair if they thought they could get away with it, while 68% of women would.  It is easy to have an affair. The question is, is it worth the devastation it causes? Sex is fleeting. Trust takes time to build. 

With one short affair, trust is eliminated. Thinking that you can get away with something is arrogant. You may never get back to the place you were before the affair. A short-term titillation can devastate a family. Children become the casualty of someone’s lack of character and self control. Children of divorce are less likely to have successful marriages if they marry at all. They are more likely to commit crimes, rape and have emotional issues than children of couples who remain together. They are also more likely to drop out of school, take drugs, overdose  and commit suicide. Careful consideration must be given to your responsibilities when you lust after someone outside of your marriage. Perhaps you are thinking or having an affair to avoid reality, responsibilities and recognizing your life is not what you wanted it to be. Yet, the short-term excitement will hurt many. Even children who are not consciously aware of the affair are damaged psychologically. Anger surfaces long after the affair is over. 


Most people think that they can get away with an affair. Three of my husbands had them and I knew each time. Even without evidence, there is an energy that is felt by the one left at home. Circumstances will arise that will bring the truth to the surface. If you are thinking you can get away with it, think again. There are those, however, that allow the evidence to be brushed under the carpet. They would rather allow the affair than lose the marriage. 
Lies become the norm while subterfuge consumes the trust and honesty that was once present. The newness of making love to someone you don’t know, versus the one you know too well can make an affair seem justified. Many feel that their spouse is not giving them the attention they deserve in the bedroom or elsewhere. Children become the priority. Men feel left out, ignored, or less important than the new baby. Many women suffer from post-partum depression, lowered libido or even low self-esteem that can last for years. Other women become enraptured with their newborn child leaving their husband feeling left out in the cold. 


While men are out in the workplace, their attention is often caught by sexy flirty women whose bodies are not misshapen from childbirth. A little flirtation with a woman who listens, pays attention or turns them on, can make a man feel vindicated for satisfying his sexual urges. As my aunt Margaret, a medical doctor, used to say, “A standing cock has no conscience.” Which means once a penis is erect, men think with their penis-brain rather than with the brain in their head. Due to the blood flow re-directed to the penis, the brain takes a hiatus. Only one brain can operate at a time. While the main brain is on hiatus, the penis has a will of its own.


Science proves this point as well in a 2008, study done by The Journal Of Evolutionary Society found that men in the mere presence of women acted differently.


 They are more apt to take risks, jaywalk, wait to the last second to dash onto a bus. In a 2011, paper published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, that just looking at women’s faces or legs whether in person or in pictures would cause men to “induce mating goals.” In plain English, viewing a woman causes a man to puff up like a mating peacock to attract the female. Men are more likely to take risks while playing blackjack, or disregard the future while making luxury purchases. Women on the other hand, are not affected a bit by men’s risk taking, quick jumping on buses or the purchase of expensive cars in order to impress us. Author’s note: One of my editor’s deleted the above paragraph calling it utter bullshit. Needless to say I fired his white ass! 


It takes a strong person to remain committed, faithful and honest. It is much easier to have an affair than to remain faithful. Most men will stray eventually if their sexual needs are not being met at home. Women also have affairs. Keeping your love life interesting and spicey will help to keep you both from yawning during sex. There are no guarantees that your relationship will last the test of time. Keeping sex interesting, exciting and passionate will certainly help. Changing up your patterns from the time of day you have sex, to the positions you use adds variety and interest as well as excitement. When you perform sex the same way, week after week, anyone would become bored or lose interest. We change jobs, move houses then learn new skills. Love-making is a skill worth having. 


Continuing to expect your partner to not be pleasured to orgasm is setting your relationship up for failure. It is a form of communication that emanates throughout the household or relationship. Those who remain attracted to their spouses have a better track-record for fulfilling sex lives. Best selling author and former movie star, Marlo Thomas, was interviewed on the Today show in April, 2014. While talking about her new book, “It  Ain’t Over Till It’s Over.” She was asked about the longevity of her 35-year marriage to talkshow host, Merv Griffin. Marlo replied, “When the sex is good it is 35% of the relationship. When the sex is bad, it is 80% of the relationship.” Static, resentment, irritation and other issues surface and become problematic. Sex does not solve problems, but rather is the cause of many when there is a disconnect or the couple is in disagreement about frequency and type of sex they engage in. Resentment outside the bedroom, shows up in the bedroom. 


I have found that stories teach better than narratives do. They also have a tendency to be more believable. You can see yourself in the character’s place. When you can try on these scenarios yourself, you will learn new techniques with ways of making love that you had not considered before. I use stories to teach the philosophy of sex as an art form and lifeline to keep you healthy, fulfilled and balanced. Let’s take a look at Marvin and Sarah’s little tryst. 


Sex In The Afternoon - Marvin and Sarah

Marvin shoots his wife a knowing look, they race up the stairs to the bedroom while the kids are out of the house. They have a full hour of peace, quiet and privacy. Sex is always better when they know the kids can’t hear them. Marvin kicks off his running shoes and leaves his socks on, his feet always get cold. Sarah slides her jeans over her hips and wriggles out of them. She kicks her underwear up into the air and quickly catches them and places her underwear with her jeans neatly on the bedside chair. She fumbles with the buttons of her silk bouse, ripping one off, “Damn!” She realizes that she has ripped the fragile silk under her button right in the middle of her ample breasts. Anywhere else and it would not be noticed. This was her favorite blouses. The color made her skin look warm and gave her a youthful glow. Everyone complemented her when she wore it.


She stomped angrily into the bathroom to pee. She could not shake the disappointment of ruining her blouse. She knew she could not replace it, even if they had the money to spend right now, which they didn’t. She really didn’t want to have sex, she had so much to do. She had other ways she preferred to spend an hour of her time when the kids were gone. She never had an orgasm and sex was perfunctory. After sixteen years they knew each other well. Marvin had kept himself in pretty good shape and her Pilates classes ensured that she remained pretty close to her college weight. She loved Marvin. He was a good provider and a good father. But sex had become unimaginative  -- almost hollow. Even when it was wonderful it took her forever to come. It was a chore to reach orgasm and try as she might, she rarely got there. It seemed like everything had to be perfect for her to reach anything close to an orgasm. If clitoral stimulation wasn’t involved - orgasm didn’t happen.  


Most often it was over almost as soon as it began.  
Marvin climbed into the cold sheets and reached over to the bedside drawer for the bottle of lube. He opened the bottle and leaned over to Sarah as she plunked one knee onto the bed and began to lubricate her vulva and the outside of her vagina. Sarah pushed his hand away and exclaimed, “Can’t you wait till I am in the bed?” She dutifully lay on her back and opened her legs, while Marvin knelt over her, preparing to enter her. Without so much as a kiss, Marvin climbed on top of Sarah and pushed his swollen penis into her dry vagina. He began to pump vigorously in and out of Sarah. She winced in pain, but Marvin was in full swing, his eyes closed. He had no idea how little sensation Sarah was able to feel, since she is not aroused and not fully lubricated. She couldn’t go from zero to sixty like he could. The mere suggestion of sex gave Marvin a hard-on. “What I wouldn’t give to be a man,” Sarah thought.


She pinched her nipples in an attempt to arouse herself just in time to hear Marvin above her in the throws of orgasmic bliss. He rolled off her onto his side of the bed saying, “Oh my God! That was amazing. Did you come?” Sarah lowered here face and shook her head, “No.” Today was like every other sexual encounter she had with Marvin. He was happy and she wasn’t. Marvin kissed her on the cheek and threw a limp arm around her and pulled his wife close. He whispered in her ear, “I’ll get you next time.” Sarah had heard that promise before. Sometimes, she would go into the bathroom after Marvin fell asleep and sit on the toilet and masturbate or cry. Depending on her mood. She wished she knew how to change things. 


She and Marvin had a pretty good relationship. They didn’t argue much, although there was tension when they weren’t intimate. It seemed to really put him in a bad mood. Sometimes they would go for weeks and even months before she would let Marvin get near her. She just wasn’t that interested. Sarah felt that Marvin was only using her as if she was a receptacle, any port in the storm. She didn’t like that feeling and it plagued her. If he was left high and dry almost every time they had sex, like she was, Sarah bet there would be some changes that was for sure. 


They just seemed out of synch. Marvin was ready four-to-five times more often than she wanted sex. Sometimes she just wished he would find another way, but not really. She didn’t want a divorce. She was just ambivalent about sex. It wasn’t that great. Frankly it left her cold, no more like really rare steak, just beginning to cook. Maybe that was why she wasn’t more motivated to have sex. She gave him blow jobs when she wasn’t in the mood. By the time Marvin was about to come she began to start getting revved up. Man, that was a pattern.


The issue with Sarah and Marvin is that Marvin is unconscious in his love-making. He is focused only on his own pleasure. He does not recognize that there is a disconnect. He receives but doesn’t give to Sarah. Sarah is resentful even before they begin to make love - because of past history. She rips a button off her shirt, then blames Marvin silently. When Marvin grabs at her, like a teenage boy, Sarah is angry. Anger does not create a good energy for sex to be fulfilling for both parties. Sarah is clearly not being satisfied while Marvin has a pattern of promising to “catch her later.” 


Sarah is not buying it anymore and is generally upset, resentful and becoming totally disinterested in sex. If Marvin and Sarah don’t make some changes, with a sex coach or relationship coach, they could end up being a couple that stops having sex when they both hit 50. Marvin could become passive aggressive as could Sarah. Their communication is already poor. Without a physical outlet, it will only deteriorate further. Sarah needs to confront Marvin about her dissatisfaction in the bedroom to teach Marvin how to make love instead of just grope at her.


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