We are alive during turbulent times of great change. The change that is happening on the outside signifies great internal change inside each of us. If we are reactive to texts, e-mails, and interactions, the reason lies within us, not outside. This is my personal experience.
I was the third child in a household of boys. When I was born, my mother was disappointed. She had wanted another boy. Instead, she got her first and only little girl. She hated the fact that I was pretty. She didn't like the attention my father gave me. In fact, to keep peace in the family, my father ended up having to ignore me.
My mother was jealous of the attention my father gave me and never forgave my father. Her anger and temper were vented on all of us kids, but for me, she found another way to show how she felt about me. My mother was sexually repressed and had some strange ways with all of us kids. She groped friends' breasts I brought home and did some other strange things. She had no boundaries and crossed everyone that had them. She put me in harm's way for over seven years, leaving me with my older sibling. I cried asking for her to not leave me each time. She would peel my arms off her legs and tell me to stop being such a baby. My innocence was lost and I wasn't safe in my own bed while I slept either.
I have done over thirty years of work, therapy, acupuncture, Rolfing, healing workshops, hypnotherapy, NLP, Reiki, somatic breathwork, meditation, Tantra, Akashic Records, energy work and self-reflection. I have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on my growth and enlightenment and traveled to India, Bali and over three-quarters of the world. I have healed depression, anxiety, co-dependency, fears, phobias, Fibromyalgia, Epstein-Barr (an autoimmune disease) and unhappiness. I have gone from feeling like a broken doll, who ran away from life to someone living and loving life fully. I am happy with me. I clear my energy daily on a regular basis so that my energy is high and clear to work with my clients.
Recently, I met a woman and became fast friends with her. She is a beautiful loving woman who is empowered and lovely. We began to work together on developing my business. We had so much fun together out in Los Angeles. We were both operating from an authentic place of openness and honesty.
As we communicated via texts, after a workshop, I felt like I had been hit with a wrecking ball with some of the texts. I recognized that I was reacting emotionally and deeply triggered. As I did some introspection about our dynamic, I began to feel she represented my mother. She even sounded like my mother in her texts. I felt stung by her criticism. Yet when I went back and read the texts, what I saw originally wasn't there. I was reading things that weren't there in her messages.
This week everything broke. As we spoke together on the phone this morning, I began to reveal what my mother did in the past and how I replaced my mother's persona with hers. I saw and heard my mother's criticism in her texts. With tears rolling down my face, I released all that was coming up to be loved within me. She met me on the phone with compassion, love and understanding.
All the rejection, abandonment and abuse that I endured from my mother was not complete. There was more to release. Crying and talking through these issues with love allowed me to be completely honest with my friend. She wasn't the bad person I made her out to be. She was the replica energetically of my abusive, cruel, critical and broken mother.
How often do we blame the other person for what we feel inside ourselves? How often do you paint the image of your mother or father on your loved ones and blame them for what your mother or father didn't give you? How often do we get upset with the person in front of us, when the real person we are feeling hurt from is from our past?
Sometimes people show up in our lives to teach us something. Other times these people that trigger us do so because there was something that still needed love, attention, recognition and release so it can be healed. Crying can be the way we move through the trapped emotions. Crying can be like an orgasmic release of emotions that allows us to heal those triggers from old wounding. Crying releases stress, makes us feel better and improves our mood. Crying also creates a sense of community and can bond us with one another.
Sexual abuse is rampant in our world. When it occurs our souls are fragmented, shattered and our spirits broken, innocence is lost. We need to process and forgive to feel safe and enjoy a happy life beyond the pain and suffering.
We need courage and compassion for ourselves to heal this pain. Energy clearings help tremendously, as the blocks are eliminated and tapped emotions released. For many people who have experienced this type of trauma, we can heal and become intuitive healers intuitive to assist others to heal; or continue to suffer the rest of our lives without living fully, numb without a voice.
When we can't cry we are shut down. Crying is one way to open your heart and allow your emotional-physical and mental bodies to heal.
For all the abandonment that you have experienced, I am so sorry. It is real, it is hurtful and it is damaging.
For all the heartbreak that you have experienced and endured, I am so sorry.
For all the invalidation you received, I am so sorry. You need to be validated for the beautiful person and wonderful soul that you are.
For all the times you felt unworthy and uncared for, you deserve to be loved for who you are. You are worthy.
For all those criticisms you received, for not being good enough, I am so sorry. You are good enough. You are wondrous!
For all the pain, sorrow and emptiness that resides within you from the suffering you have endured, I am so sorry. You deserve to be loved completely for who you are.
The more we clean up our inner world, the more the world benefits. The more processing and releasing of our emotions we do, the more our neighbors, town and the world benefits. As each of us heals our inner world and becomes peaceful and loving, our world benefits.
Jennifer is the author of the forthcoming book: