A Modern Day Marytr?

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Martyrdom is one of the seven basic character flaws or dark personality traits. When feelings of worthlessness are dominant a strong feeling of being a victim is also present. A parent or role model for you in early childhood can imprint you also with these same character traits. This is one pattern that I am very familiar with. My mother was and still remains a victim. 

I had hoped that things would change over time. In my mother's case when anyone brings up her patterns to her, she comes down with a migraine that lasts days, even weeks. A recent event in our family led to my ability to watch the whole scene play out before my eyes. My hope is that if either you or someone you love has this pattern, that they can get the help they need to heal this very difficult choice.

My mother was orphaned at the age of five. Her mother died when she was 32 after her last home birth. Her father poisoned himself after molesting his eldest daughter. This is very sad. My mother did not receive the love she needed to grow up with good self esteem. She felt empty and longing inside of her and still does. Although she is beautiful and healthy she is constantly looking for validation outside of herself from other people. She remarked to me that she is different depending on who she is with and that everyone is that way. (I used to be the chameleon changing for men and friends, but no more.)  People with good self esteem are authentic. They know who they are and they are the same with everyone.

We have heard this story repeated thousands of times over the years. When I came out with the truth about the childhood molestation that my mother allowed to happen, she told me to "get over it!" My brother feels very strongly about her telling me to get over something, when she has made no attempt whatsoever to get over her own victimization.

I no longer feel like a victim. However, this paradigm played out long into my 40's. I worked on it from the time I was 32. 

My mother is insistent on receiving thank you notes for gifts sent. In fact, so much so, that she stops giving gifts to those who don't thank her. When gifts are given to her she judges, critiques and

condemns them. They are never good enough, because she never feels good enough. At church she often tells parishioners that what they are wearing does not match. She is always trying to "help" other people improve, because she feels so worthless.

Recently, she asked my brother to drive a "friend" of hers to Toronto, a 2 hour drive in traffic, wait for her after her cataract surgery and then drive her back home. My brother knew very well if he said no to my mother, he would never hear the end of how no one ever helps her. Or no one ever does what she asks. No one comes to visit her and so on. 

My brother spent his entire day when he could have been doing things he enjoyed, with this friend of my mother's. Waited during the surgery and recovery period. Sat with her while she recovered and then drove her home. He was given a token sum of money, that clearly did not cover his time, energy or patience. He helped the woman find her keys when she could not. 

He stopped in to see our mother before he left her condo. My mother never once said thank you. My brother called me to vent. Knowing that this was going to cause a rift between my brother, his wife and family and our mother, I called her.

I suggested that he thank Tim. She got all huffy with me. "He didn't have to do it! He could have said no! He wasn't doing anything! He got paid for it!" She never once took any responsibility for her part in the whole event. She blamed Tim for everything. Then she went on to say, "Why am I always the bad guy! No one cares about me!"

When I called my mother back three days later she in her little victim voice said, "I've had a migraine for two days!" I asked her if she had called to thank Tim, she angrily told me, "I don't see that is any of your business!" My mother does not see anything wrong however, that she butts into other's lives, marriages and relationships. When called on her own stuff she can't take it. She reacts.

When my father was alive, he stood between us and our mother protecting her lest she might get upset. He also governed a lot of her behavior, tempering the affects for our family. At this point, my brother is so fed up with her cutting all his children off because they don't send thank you notes, and now she is refusing to thank him, he doesn't want anything to do with her. 

My brother's refrain: "She will be a very lonely old woman." She may be beautiful, but she doesn't have many friends. Her acid tongue isn't remorseful. She condemns, critiques and judges everyone harshly and wonders why no one wants to be near her. Her outer world is a reflection of her inner world, thoughts and emotions of self condemnation.

The Victim Persecutor Rescuer Triangle

There is a triangle of persecutor, victim and rescuer. This dynamic is where the victim looks for their white knight. Someone to pull them out of the whole they have created for themselves, whether emotional, financial or physical. The rescuer ends up being the victim also because they become disempowered and are disempowering the victim as well. 

These are the traits of a victim

1. Do not take responsibilities for actions.
2. When you bring up a victim's actions to them, they become extremely reactive and emotional.
3. Victims blame others for the results of our own actions.
4. Victims adopt some type of mechanism (anger, illness, upset, reactivity) that is clearly avoidance for the situation.
5. Victims wallow in self pity. Why doesn't anyone like me?No one visits me. 
6. Victims thrive on drama and may be addicted to it.
7. Victims are addicted to their pain and suffering. 
8. Victims have very low feelings of self esteem, unworthiness and feelings of not being loveable. 
9. Give too much to others, even when not asked and then feel taken advantage of and not appreciated.
10. Wants to be liked by friends, family and community and therefore will volunteer to do everything in order to be accepted.
11. Looking for love in all the wrong places, outside of themselves. Relationships will be very challenging while living in victimhood.
12. Addictions, spending, relationships, substance is often present. 
13. Codependency figures prominently.
14. Victims often attract vicimizers, because of the internal thoughts that are a beacon into the universe. Our thoughts bring back to us what we think and feel. If we feel we are a victim, the universe will agree, you most certainly are: her you go!

Victims are looking for love. Unfortunately, they look outside of themselves instead of loving and accepting the self. I love my mother. I accept her the way she is. At 92, I pray for her, I am

honest, loving and compassionate. I understand where her patterns come from. Miracles happen. I have not given up on her. 

I used to be a victim. It governed my life for over half of it. During this time, I felt others used me, yet I seemed to go out of my way to become involved in things that didn't concern me. I gave too much

and felt lost and isolated in my marriages. When my partners would come to me to discuss situations, I would become reactive. 

I wrote Odyssey Victim to Victory to help others heal their patterns of victimhood. It is one of the strongest parts of my recovery. My past no longer defines me. When I stopped being a victim, the self pity also went away. Self pity and seeking attention for others to pity us is a part of being a martyr. When we keep repeating the same stories about our past, we are stuck in this paradigm. Stop telling the tales of woe. Stop being a victim today and get the help you so deserve!

It does not have to be this way. I help you love and accept yourself so that you no longer feel like a victim. One of the first tenants is to take responsibility for your own actions. If you do something, OWN IT! Don't beat yourself up about it. It is a pattern than can be healed. Inner work, self discovery and energy healing, Neurolinguistic Programming and Hypnotherapy is part of the process I use. I help you systematically discover your patterns lovingly and compassionately. You are already whole. I help you remember who you truly are, and it is not a victim. You created this life, we can uncreate the patterns that are governing you.

These are the key ingredients to victimhood. If you are acting like a victim, there are serious repercussions from the universe for this pattern. Believe me, this next six months will unravel your world, if you don't. The energy on the earth is increasing in vibration. Patterns of addiction, victim, codependency and any other dark

shadowy parts of your personality that have not been dealt with, will be shown very clearly to you. It it time to heal these dark character flaws and love your life. Believe me you will be so much happier when you do. 

What People Say About Jennifer

Jennifer coached me from a place of darkness despair and depression. After a horrible codependent relationship and nastry breakup, I was lost and felt I needed a relationship to feel whole. Jennifer guided me to wait to date. I followed her advice. I now am in a loving, supportive relationship instead of one that was debilitating and abusive. CM Los Angeles

Jennifer Masters has remotely cleared  several members of my family. One case in particular has been both subtle and profound in the positive changes that have occurred. I am grateful for her power and dedication.

JLI, Denver

Contact Jennifer for your self discovery session to find out how she works and whether her work is a fit for you. Doing the assigned home work is part of the process. Each week lifts your vibration higher and higher. By the third week, you already feel better, happier and less depressed and much less anxious. 

Will The Truth Set You Free?

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

or just really piss you off!

"Even an ugly truth is better than a lie." Cody Goldenelk

Meriam Webster's definition of truth is:

• Conformity to fact or actuality.
• A statement proven to be or accepted as true.
• Sincerity; integrity.
• Fidelity to an original or standard.

Twenty years ago, you could get away with lying to your spouse, or partner and no one would notice. Times have changed. What used to work in relationships is not working today. People's awareness is becoming more acute. Innuendos and subterfuge will be uncovered. There are no secrets in the universe.

The biggest change in relationships is the level of honesty that is required to maintain them. Faking, lying and cheating cannot continue when you live an authentic and honest life. People with strong commitment and character do not lie, cheat or steal.

We have all experienced long-term friendships falling away as we grow and evolve. Sometimes relationships fall apart because they no longer support us. We can try to hang onto these relationships but will find that uncomfortable feelings begin to surface and your heart will lead the way. Instead of continuing to hang on because of the history between you, you will let go of the strings and feel some relief, because you know that it is in your highest and best good.

Anchor or a Sail?

Are your friends anchors or sails in your life? Do the people in your life take advantage of you, or do they support you, helping you achieve what you were put here on this earth to do? Ask yourself, "Does this relationship support me?" or "Does this relationship drag me down and leave me feeling depleted?"

Sadly, I have experienced this happen myself. Looking at the truth in your relationships can save you pain and suffering later. Often our relationships are based on untruths. We haven't been completely honest with our loved ones, leaving important information out. Are you hiding an addiction, co dependence or serious problem? Are you clinging to a fantasy, which does not support you. Sometimes we see what we want to see, rather than the reality of a situation or relationship.

Avoidance Is A Form Of Lying

When we avoid talking to someone about a serious issue, we are lying to them and ourselves. Skirting the truth is a form of lying. We avoid and waste so much energy giving when we should be setting boundaries. We keep quiet about the most serious of matters and disappointments in our relationships because we are afraid of going there. Yet not telling someone is the same as lying. We are lying to ourselves as well when we avoid the issues. 

Recently, I have had two long-term friendships crumble within two months of each other. Each were based on untruths, or imbalances within the relationship. 

After careful consideration of both relationships, I recognized that although I was completely honest in one of them, the fact that I thought I could have a relationship with someone who continued to live in a fantasy world about our relationship was avoidance. I had spent hours correcting the false fantasy, encouraging honesty. I had put my own feelings on the back burner, when I began being true to myself the relationship shifted. When I stopped buying into his story or ignoring it the relationship fell apart. There was nothing left. The foundation was false. 

The second relationship was out of balance. I gave too much. Although there was some reciprocity it did not come close to balancing our relationship. Relationships that involve one person giving and the other taking are crumbling today. The consciousness of the planet has risen. Relationships where the truth is avoided, are imbalanced or with those who drain you psychically will not be able to continue. 

I helped this person, I will call Shelly, out of bind after bind. As the years went on, phone calls came in when I was spending time with my family and I took them anyway, causing irritation in my household. I put this friendship above a lot of other things, because I knew they needed me.

Several times I took phone calls from Shelly and incidents occurred that made me stop and think. Once I locked my keys in my car while on the phone with her. This cost me time and money. I was late picking up my daughter because of it. On another occasion, I took a phone call from Shelley when I was parking my brand new car, and scuffed the side of it while parking. Most recently, I received a text from her and got into an accident while glancing at the phone. The calls were intrusive. They were far too frequent. Her energy was abrasive. I was filling a gap for her because she did not have a lot of friends or family to reach out to. It is not our job to be everything to everybody. 

If your other responsibilities suffer because of what you give, the relationship is out of balance. If the cost of the relationship is too high, the relationship is not serving you.  If you help them with the same situation over and over and they don't learn, you are not helping them. 

I gave money to Shelly when times were tough for her, even when I was struggling. As a channel and a psychic, I did readings and channeling professionally. Almost every time we were on the phone together, Shelly would ask me, "So tell me something good." I felt I was being taken advantage of and put on the spot. It felt like a time in my childhood when my mother would ask me to perform and play the piano for her friends. I felt like a trick pony. It made my energy dip, I felt bad. Even though I mentioned I didn't like having to do these mini readings every time we talked, she kept asking. My boundaries were being crossed with regularity. I was enabling and part of the problem. 

Shelly continued to have difficulties with money, even though she made decent money in her job. She had few expenses (no car, no utilities and no debts) and shopped at REI when she got paid. I didn't shop at REI. She asked me if I could put money on her debit card so she could eat. I did so several times. I gave her hundreds of dollars over the last four years in addition to spending thousands with her on artwork and graphics. 

I created work when I didn't have any, just to give her something to do to earn some money. When I asked for a book cover to be created, she retorted angrily, "Well I can't do it for free!" I found that strange, because I kept my professional requests professional and paid her for the work she did for me. In addition, I "gave" her money in between. I assured her I would pay her for the book cover and commented I was surprised at her angry retort about payment. I paid for the artwork she did for me. I did not ask for her to do work for free. It was strange that she felt she was being taken advantage of.

Shelly tended to think negatively when things in her life did not turn out the way she planned. She often spiraled downward when she could not get what she wanted. I supported her through these spirals and did free clearings for her when she did. I coached her and tried to help her see the patterns that kept repeating in her life. I helped her with one pattern more times than I could count. She was not ready to heal it. She lived in self pity most of the time.

She called me sometimes three times a day. When I had to get off the phone she seemed hurt, and took things personally. She continued to ask me when she was going to meet her partner and what was around the corner. Always asking, "Tell me something good!" when I said I needed to go. I told her briefly most recently, "You are alive!" I was not charging for these mini readings. I knew I needed to set boundaries and stop the mini readings at the end of the phone calls. I was trying to be nice and kind to my friend who was having such a difficult time. Meanwhile, while I was giving to her generously, it took away from other business matters of my own. There was a double standard in our relationship. She wanted it both ways, to get free readings and clearings, to be paid well for her work AND have me donate to her cause regularly and generously. There was imbalance in the relationship.

The recent accident, the keys locked in my car and the scuff as I was parking were all signs that something was amiss. She was my friend, but she was clearly an anchor. I was being shown that this relationship did not support me. I was trying to hang onto a relationship that clearly did not support me.  I continued to put aside the signs until the volume was cranked up so loud I could not any more. 

Recognizing The Signs

The universe gave me an opportunity to see the situation very clearly. Shelly asked me to help her buy a car last week and all the dots were connected for me. She said it was okay if I couldn't contribute, but did not call me again when I did not transfer money.  The truth became very obvious to me. I had to let go.

Friendships and partnerships are crumbling rapidly when one person is being taken advantage of, or if one or both parties are being inauthentic. For example, if you have worked to be positive in your thoughts words and deeds yet continue to have a relationship with someone who calls you to dump their negativity on you repeatedly and you say nothing, you will find that conditions within the relationship make it so uncomfortable that you will not be able to be around this person any longer. 

Do You Complain About Your Partner?

Relationships are based on lies if you are harboring ill feelings, or in a two-faced relationship. Married people who bad-mouth their spouse or partner to friends and family will be caught as new energy has arrived on the planet which will not allow fake to continue to hide. Complaining about your partner to others is not in integrity. Go to the source. Talk to your partner, rather than complain to someone else. You undermine intimacy and create more negativity by complaining. Look within and see why you need this negative attention and pity. It does not serve you.

Suppressing Emotions

When we avoid the truth, we are stuffing emotions. If you contain your truth without voicing it to the other person you may find that your hidden emotions surface in an ugly way. This could leave you feeling guilt-ridden and upset with yourself. Avoidance of the truth hurts you. Protecting another person puts you in second-place. Instead speak your truth with compassion and honesty. Being true to yourself is important for your emotional health and well-being. 

Love Without Attachment

When we hang on, we are not loving without attachment. The universe gives us signs for a reason. We are not paying careful attention to ourselves. Love is a two-way street. If you are dying to yourself and your needs you are not paying attention. You are holding on instead of letting go. If everything I did for my friend did not get her to change, I had to let go. Perhaps I was part of the problem. Perhaps my attachment meant that she would not do her work. She depended on me to make her feel better. This was disempowering to her. Sometimes letting go is all we need to do. I let go with love. 

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Questions? E-mail Jennifer NOW!