By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
or just really piss you off!
"Even an ugly truth is better than a lie." Cody Goldenelk
Meriam Webster's definition of truth is:
- Conformity to fact or actuality.
- A statement proven to be or accepted as true.
- Sincerity; integrity.
- Fidelity to an original or standard.
Twenty years ago, you could get away with lying to your spouse, or partner and no one would notice. Times have changed. What used to work in relationships is not working today. People's awareness is becoming more acute. Innuendos and subterfuge will be uncovered. There are no secrets in the universe.
The biggest change in relationships is the level of honesty that is required to maintain them. Faking, lying and cheating cannot continue when you live an authentic and honest life. People with strong commitment and character do not lie, cheat or steal.
We have all experienced long-term friendships falling away as we grow and evolve. Sometimes relationships fall apart because they no longer support us. We can try to hang onto these relationships but will find that uncomfortable feelings begin to surface and your heart will lead the way. Instead of continuing to hang on because of the history between you, you will let go of the strings and feel some relief, because you know that it is in your highest and best good.
Anchor or a Sail?
Are your friends anchors or sails in your life? Do the people in your life take advantage of you, or do they support you, helping you achieve what you were put here on this earth to do? Ask yourself, "Does this relationship support me?" or "Does this relationship drag me down and leave me feeling depleted?"
Sadly, I have experienced this happen myself. Looking at the truth in your relationships can save you pain and suffering later. Often our relationships are based on untruths. We haven't been completely honest with our loved ones, leaving important information out. Are you hiding an addiction, co dependence or serious problem? Are you clinging to a fantasy, which does not support you. Sometimes we see what we want to see, rather than the reality of a situation or relationship.
Avoidance Is A Form Of Lying
When we avoid talking to someone about a serious issue, we are lying to them and ourselves. Skirting the truth is a form of lying. We avoid and waste so much energy giving when we should be setting boundaries. We keep quiet about the most serious of matters and disappointments in our relationships because we are afraid of going there. Yet not telling someone is the same as lying. We are lying to ourselves as well when we avoid the issues.
Recently, I have had two long-term friendships crumble within two months of each other. Each were based on untruths, or imbalances within the relationship.
After careful consideration of both relationships, I recognized that although I was completely honest in one of them, the fact that I thought I could have a relationship with someone who continued to live in a fantasy world about our relationship was avoidance. I had spent hours correcting the false fantasy, encouraging honesty. I had put my own feelings on the back burner, when I began being true to myself the relationship shifted. When I stopped buying into his story or ignoring it the relationship fell apart. There was nothing left. The foundation was false.
The second relationship was out of balance. I gave too much. Although there was some reciprocity it did not come close to balancing our relationship. Relationships that involve one person giving and the other taking are crumbling today. The consciousness of the planet has risen. Relationships where the truth is avoided, are imbalanced or with those who drain you psychically will not be able to continue.
I helped this person, I will call Shelly, out of bind after bind. As the years went on, phone calls came in when I was spending time with my family and I took them anyway, causing irritation in my household. I put this friendship above a lot of other things, because I knew they needed me.
Several times I took phone calls from Shelly and incidents occurred that made me stop and think. Once I locked my keys in my car while on the phone with her. This cost me time and money. I was late picking up my daughter because of it. On another occasion, I took a phone call from Shelley when I was parking my brand new car, and scuffed the side of it while parking. Most recently, I received a text from her and got into an accident while glancing at the phone. The calls were intrusive. They were far too frequent. Her energy was abrasive. I was filling a gap for her because she did not have a lot of friends or family to reach out to. It is not our job to be everything to everybody.
If your other responsibilities suffer because of what you give, the relationship is out of balance. If the cost of the relationship is too high, the relationship is not serving you. If you help them with the same situation over and over and they don't learn, you are not helping them.
I gave money to Shelly when times were tough for her, even when I was struggling. As a channel and a psychic, I did readings and channeling professionally. Almost every time we were on the phone together, Shelly would ask me, "So tell me something good." I felt I was being taken advantage of and put on the spot. It felt like a time in my childhood when my mother would ask me to perform and play the piano for her friends. I felt like a trick pony. It made my energy dip, I felt bad. Even though I mentioned I didn't like having to do these mini readings every time we talked, she kept asking. My boundaries were being crossed with regularity. I was enabling and part of the problem.
Shelly continued to have difficulties with money, even though she made decent money in her job. She had few expenses (no car, no utilities and no debts) and shopped at REI when she got paid. I didn't shop at REI. She asked me if I could put money on her debit card so she could eat. I did so several times. I gave her hundreds of dollars over the last four years in addition to spending thousands with her on artwork and graphics.
I created work when I didn't have any, just to give her something to do to earn some money. When I asked for a book cover to be created, she retorted angrily, "Well I can't do it for free!" I found that strange, because I kept my professional requests professional and paid her for the work she did for me. In addition, I "gave" her money in between. I assured her I would pay her for the book cover and commented I was surprised at her angry retort about payment. I paid for the artwork she did for me. I did not ask for her to do work for free. It was strange that she felt she was being taken advantage of.
Shelly tended to think negatively when things in her life did not turn out the way she planned. She often spiraled downward when she could not get what she wanted. I supported her through these spirals and did free clearings for her when she did. I coached her and tried to help her see the patterns that kept repeating in her life. I helped her with one pattern more times than I could count. She was not ready to heal it. She lived in self pity most of the time.
She called me sometimes three times a day. When I had to get off the phone she seemed hurt, and took things personally. She continued to ask me when she was going to meet her partner and what was around the corner. Always asking, "Tell me something good!" when I said I needed to go. I told her briefly most recently, "You are alive!" I was not charging for these mini readings. I knew I needed to set boundaries and stop the mini readings at the end of the phone calls. I was trying to be nice and kind to my friend who was having such a difficult time. Meanwhile, while I was giving to her generously, it took away from other business matters of my own. There was a double standard in our relationship. She wanted it both ways, to get free readings and clearings, to be paid well for her work AND have me donate to her cause regularly and generously. There was imbalance in the relationship.
The recent accident, the keys locked in my car and the scuff as I was parking were all signs that something was amiss. She was my friend, but she was clearly an anchor. I was being shown that this relationship did not support me. I was trying to hang onto a relationship that clearly did not support me. I continued to put aside the signs until the volume was cranked up so loud I could not any more.
Recognizing The Signs
The universe gave me an opportunity to see the situation very clearly. Shelly asked me to help her buy a car last week and all the dots were connected for me. She said it was okay if I couldn't contribute, but did not call me again when I did not transfer money. The truth became very obvious to me. I had to let go.
Friendships and partnerships are crumbling rapidly when one person is being taken advantage of, or if one or both parties are being inauthentic. For example, if you have worked to be positive in your thoughts words and deeds yet continue to have a relationship with someone who calls you to dump their negativity on you repeatedly and you say nothing, you will find that conditions within the relationship make it so uncomfortable that you will not be able to be around this person any longer.
Do You Complain About Your Partner?
Relationships are based on lies if you are harboring ill feelings, or in a two-faced relationship. Married people who bad-mouth their spouse or partner to friends and family will be caught as new energy has arrived on the planet which will not allow fake to continue to hide. Complaining about your partner to others is not in integrity. Go to the source. Talk to your partner, rather than complain to someone else. You undermine intimacy and create more negativity by complaining. Look within and see why you need this negative attention and pity. It does not serve you.
Suppressing Emotions
When we avoid the truth, we are stuffing emotions. If you contain your truth without voicing it to the other person you may find that your hidden emotions surface in an ugly way. This could leave you feeling guilt-ridden and upset with yourself. Avoidance of the truth hurts you. Protecting another person puts you in second-place. Instead speak your truth with compassion and honesty. Being true to yourself is important for your emotional health and well-being.
Love Without Attachment
When we hang on, we are not loving without attachment. The universe gives us signs for a reason. We are not paying careful attention to ourselves. Love is a two-way street. If you are dying to yourself and your needs you are not paying attention. You are holding on instead of letting go. If everything I did for my friend did not get her to change, I had to let go. Perhaps I was part of the problem. Perhaps my attachment meant that she would not do her work. She depended on me to make her feel better. This was disempowering to her. Sometimes letting go is all we need to do. I let go with love.
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Questions? E-mail Jennifer NOW!
As an observer of life and a mother, I notice how people walk into a room, stand and sit. I have reminded my youngest hundreds of times to stand up straight and tall to project her best self. Notice your posture right now. Are your shoulders back, is your chin up and chest out? Or are you hunched over barely able to hold yourself upright?
