Sex Addiction: The Courage To Love

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Anxiety, shame,  guilt, remorse are all feelings that surface with sex addiction. Hours are lost, relationships broken and lives slip away. Sex is the drug of choice. Any type of addiction is due to rejection of the self with self hatred figuring prominently. Sex addicts believe they are in control of their life, when they are not. No one wants to be a sex addict. There is help and light at the end of the tunnel.  

Don't feel this applies to you? Teens are becoming addicted to porn on the Internet. This is a serious issue. 

7:00 PM PST TONIGHT ON SEX AS MEDICINE

Tonight on Sex As Medicine with Devi Ward we jointly interview Paul Ginocchio, creator of the movie, "The Courage To Love." Paul's movie details the lives of four individuals who suffered from sex addiction and their stories of recovery.

There are consequences to sex addiction. Acting out can ruin relationships, cause depression and disconnection from the self, and those you love.

Addicted To Own Endorphins

Whether it is pornography, masturbation, or sex with others, sex addiction is an addiction to our own endorphins. Like a drug addict, a trance-like state is reached where nothing matters but getting needs met. Without help, sex addiction can lead to arrests, broken relationships and lost years. Cruising, looking for "Heroine in high heels," was Paul's experience.

Like An Eating Disorder

Jay Parker who was arrested finally for exposing himself to two girls, lost his job as a basketball scout, his marriage and his friends. He compared sex addiction to an eating disorder. We have to eat, it is part of life. Sex is a natural part of life. Sex addiction is a distortion, a natural urge twisted into an illness that drives you.

Numbness

An emotional numbness occurs where there is a lack of heart-connection. There is nothing joyful in sex addiction. Instead it is empty, looking to fill the void from childhood. 

Sweaty palms, hunched over and the anxiety that follows are not good feelings. The feelings of guilt, shame and darkness that surrounds sex addiction creates depression and a sense of hopelessness.

Fear of Intimacy

There may be lots of sex happening, but there is no connection. No real intimacy can exist when you are an addict. People who are addicted to sex cannot allow anyone to see their true self. They are too afraid to let anyone see the darkness that lies beneath the surface. 

Is it possible to masturbate too much? The answer is YES! If you are masturbating several times a day, you are addicted to sex.

In my personal experience sexual trauma was the cause. In over 80% of sex addiction cases, sexual trauma took place in childhood. A lack of validation from parents creates a deep void or emptiness that can't be filled. An endless desire for more, drives the sex addict. 

Recovery

Available on Amazon.com

Recovery from addiction is possible. It is far easier to find fault with others than to see our issues. Honesty, vulnerability and awareness are parts of recovery. When we are in our addiction we can't see that we need help. Self acceptance and self love is the answer. It takes courage to get help. If you are looking for help for your sex addiction or that of a loved one, listen to the show tonight. The movie, The Courage To Love is available for purchase. I watched it twice. It is poignant, and eye-opening.

Our self-esteem takes a beating when we are addicts. I know I was there once. Co-dependency is the need to be in a relationship to feel whole is an addiction. We have a tendency to look at others and say, "I don't have that issue." Compassion, understanding, and love

is the key to getting help and helping a loved one who is addicted. The search for love is what I help others with. If you are looking for love and not finding it, I can help. It begins with you. Visit my website here.  Aphroditeeffect.com

Much Love,
Jennifer

Are You Truly and Completely Happy With Your Life?

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Life is good. I love what I do. I feel fulfilled and wake up feeling that life is great! I feel healthy, positive and am living my life on purpose. My life was not always this way. For years I suffered from depression, body aches, illness and neediness. I didn't feel good about myself. I felt as if I had a bid hole in my gut the size of Texas, or maybe Canada!

It took me well into my late 40's for my life to begin to improve and then really hit full swing in my 50's. I used to try to change people. I felt that the men in my life could use a little make-over. So I tried to "fix" them. Even with my adult children, I would try to get them to change, like I knew better what was best for them. Rather than allowing them to have their own experience. They had their own lessons to learn.

Today, I am delighted to have a fabulous guest on my podcast at 8:00 PM Eastern, 5:00 PM Pacific who has been working with people struggling with addictions for over 24 years. A medical doctor Winn Henderson is knowledgable and in many ways, on the same page as me. The following is an excerpt from his book:

Freedom From Addiction - Foreward

"Are you truly happy with your life?    If you can truthfully answer, Yes, then return this book for a full refund with our congratulations!  People who get up every morning and  can say, "What a wonderful day!  It's great to be alive!  I can't wait to get going and fulfill another piece of my destiny, are on purpose and probably don't need this book. But what if you're not so satisfied with your life?  Are you nervous or depressed? Are you lonely, fearful, or bored?  Do you feel insecure, resentful,or angry?  Do you think you're unappreciated or unloved?  Is there an empty feeling, a void in your life?  Do you suffer with feelings of guilt or shame?  Do you have a lot of pain of either the physical or emotional type?  Are you a worrier or a procrastinator?  Do you have the idea that you'd be better off dead?"

Dr. Henderson has identified 24 addictive behaviors in his latest book on the subject: Freedom From Addiction, and 20 psychological symptoms of addiction. The most common are anxiety and depression. Other symptoms include pain, loneliness, lack of love, a void, emptiness, unworthiness, a sense of failure, insecurity, guilt and shame, unhappiness, lack of acceptance, lack of energy, sorrow, fear, boredom, resentment, self-pity, the need for immediate gratification and pleasure, and suicidal thoughts.

Winn Henderson goes on to say that all of the above symptoms are from one disease. He has a cure that has worked for thousands of people. 

If you have been following my posts, you know that codependency is one of the subjects that I talk about quite a bit. When we heal the codependency our life turns around. We become happy with ourselves and our lives. 

Join us tonight for our discussion about addictions. Winn's four questions are quite interesting to get you to look at your life differently.

(605) 475-4000 PIN 939401# at 8:00 PM Eastern, 5:00 PM Pacific.

Jennifer is a catalystic life, love and sex coach, inspirational speaker, teacher and author of Orgasm For Life. Jennifer's website is: JenniferElizabethMasters.com

The Flip Side of Betrayal

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

We love to be in our misery, complaining about what our ex did to us. Some of us never get over our broken hearts. But how much of what we think happened really did? What if there was another side to this story of woe, pain and sorrow? What if something WE DID precipitated our partner's cheating? In this article I will answer your questions about what happens energetically and why healing a broken heart is so important.

How long does it take to get over betrayal, or do we ever?

How can we grieve, let go and heal from the heartache of being cheated on?

Today, we can marry, divorce and think we will never see our ex again, then WHAMO! FaceBook cynically delivers a photo of our ex, clad in a suit with his new bride right to our home, front and center on our screen. We can't ignore something that is put in our face, or can we?

Ignoring The Past

We can't ignore the past, but we can heal it, forgive and release the pain that it cause. The issue is that most of us, would rather stuff than release. Stuffing causes our hearts to shut down and stops us from loving fully and completely in the present.

Grieving 

Everyone is different. Some people grieve till the day they die. Some people grieve until they meet another warm body in a bar and have sex in their car. Some people grieve, think they are done and then wonder why they feel so cold and disconnected towards others. Some people think they don't need to grieve and instead have a grudge F***K. Yes, we know who you are. This is not grieving, this is trying to get even.

Bitching And Complaining About Your EX On A Date?

I have heard of women (and some men) already dating and complaining to their dates about how horrible their ex was. They might even recount all the legal battles and support payments they are required to pay. They may complain about what they are NOT getting. All these are signs that you are not ready for a new relationship. Your date is not interested in hearing about your tales of woe and suffering that your ex caused you. Hire a coach. Move through your pain and sadness in a healthy way. Then and only then, begin to date. 

Getting in a relationship too soon can lead to more heartache down the road. Eventually, the grief will surface when you least expect it and you could be crying during sex, or emoting while purchasing your next wedding dress or tuxedo. If grief and resentment is not released, it may cause you gallstones, kidney stones, a heart attack or cancer.

Grieving involves tears, releasing anger, (in positive ways) it involves forgiveness of ourselves and the other person. If you can't forgive your past partner, you should not be dating. All your frustration, hatred, anger and resentment will come out, when you least expect it; and be leveled at your new love. Is that what you want?

Lacking Compassion?

When our hearts are completely open, we feel compassion towards others. When they are closed, we feel cold, like a steel door is protecting our hearts. We might not see it ourselves, till a loved one asks us a question. "What is that about? Why aren't you kinder to (your girlfriend, spouse, puppy, kitten, neighbor, friend, lover, child - fill in the blank)?"

We can't feel boundless love when our heart is in knots

You may think you are ready for another relationship. You may want to bury your sadness in the breasts of a beautiful woman, or the strong chest of a gorgeous hunk of a man. However, if you have not forgiven your past partner and yourself, you are not nearly ready.

Keeping Love At Bay

You will not be able to feel the depths of real love. You may be IN LIKE, but you will never be in LOVE. 

Married But Not In Love

Often we get married because we think it's time. We may have been dating for five or more years, it seems the logical next step. Length of time in a relationship is not a determining factor of when you need to be married or committed. Sometimes we get married because of some social construct. I know of many people who thought they should marry, but were not in love with the person they married. Eventually, one or both of you will wake up feeling disillusioned and or cheated.

Emotionally Unavailable People

People who are emotionally unavailable are this way for a reason. They have been cheated on, traumatized in some way, or abused. Their hearts are protected, not open. It is as if a steel garage door is blocking their heart, with a second layer of bricks, mortar and concrete covering it. These people may never open their hearts. It is possible, but it takes courage to tap into the pain that shut their hearts in the first place. Once a core piece has been bored out through release work, this begins to grow into a larger and larger area that is open. With courage this block can be completely eradicated. You have to have the courage to step into the pain, rather than run away from it.

Seeing The Energetic Block

It is much easier to see this block in another person, than to witness it in ourselves. If you are attracting people who are emotionally unavailable, it is because your heart is blocked and shut down. When our hearts are shut, we will not be able to feel the pain and suffering of others. We will feel disconnected from it. We might get a hint of it, but brush it off and move away from other's pain.

Compounding Blocks of Grief

Some of us have had more than one relationship. If we have a history of stuffing our emotions, we have stuffed the emotions of each relationship into the cells of our body and hearts. These blocks of grief create a stuck mess of emotions that can't move. Many people can't cry. There is a reason for this. They are so blocked with past hurts that have not been dealt with, that their hearts are nailed, concreted and locked up tighter than a safe in Chase bank! To think that you can be in a healthy relationship with a heart that is locked tight is like thinking that you could be a virgin again! You are basically faking it.

How I Help Clients Heal Their Blocks

There are several ways I help people heal from the pain of betrayal. The first is to acknowledge that there are two sides to every story. We had a part in the betrayal as well. None of us are victims. We have to take responsibility for our part in the cheating. This can be difficult if you feel you were completely blameless, and had nothing to do with the other person's choosing to cheat. 

If you talk to both parties, you will find that there was an underlying cause. A woman emasculating the man with control, manipulation or chiding words. It could be a man ridiculing, using sarcasm, put downs or being downright cold and abusive. There are many reasons people cheat. Remember you were not alone in this relationship. Just as you had your story or woe, so did the other person. Compassion for the other person helps you see the other side.

Ask Questions

Have a conversation with yourself. Put yourself back in the place of the relationship. What was going on? Were you manipulating? Were you controlling. Did you make your partner feel small? Did you hurt them with your words? Did you avoid sex with them? Did you avoid intimacy? Did you make excuses for not getting close to them? Were you afraid? What were you afraid of? Taking responsibility for your part helps to begin to break down the barriers you have created in your heart. 

Forgive 

I usually recommend that you forgive yourself first. However, when we tap into the pain we caused another, this may help us to cry, feel empathy for the other person and recognize that we weren't blameless. We may not have cheated, but we did SOMETHING that made them feel less than whole. 

Forgive with the Ho'oponopono Prayer

Spend 20 minutes or so repeating the prayer and telling yourself and your inner child what you forgive yourself for. Forgive yourself for putting your inner child in harm's way. Forgive yourself for your choices. Once you begin things will begin to flow. Words will spill out of your mouth as the tears come. I like to walk and move while I do the prayer. This allows me to move the emotions more easily. 

I'm Sorry

Please forgive me

I love you

Thank you

Forgive them for turning away from you.

Forgive them for shutting down their heart to you.

Forgive them for not being THE ONE.

Forgive them for not being faithful.

Forgive them for hurting you.

Forgive them for not cherishing you.

Forgive yourself for not being what they wanted you to be.

Forgive yourself for pushing them into some situation they didn't want.

Forgive yourself for causing them financial pain.

Forgive yourself for thinking you made a mistake.

Forgive yourself for causing yourself heartbreak.

Forgive yourself for hurting the other in some way.

Allow Yourself to FEEL

Blocked emotions can cause pneumonia, heart attack, cancer and other illnesses. Allow yourself to cry. If you can't cry, scream.

Mountain Top

In Colorado, I take clients up to the top of a mountain at daybreak or sunset and do cathartic screaming. This uncorks the emotion that is hidden under the anger. 

Desert Stillness

In California, I take clients out into the stillness and privacy of the desert. 

Cathartic screaming uncorks the emotions stuffed under the pain. It is far easier to feel anger than pain. Anger masks what is under- neath. We can feel resentment easily. We can be pissed off - easily. We can feel disrespected and then anger readily because we are afraid of the pain. The pain is what keeps us stuck. We sit on the threshold of clarity, and an open heart because we just don't want to feel the anguish again. We have to transmute these feelings into compassion and forgiveness then release. 

Each of us is treading water in life. Every event that takes place helps us to understand ourselves better. These events are not meant to destroy us. They are happening to show us who we are. When we can get beyond the pain and suffering we move into radiating the deep LOVE that is at the core of our being.

Love is Always The Answer

Forgiveness is key. Holding resentment and anger towards the other is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiveness happens without an apology. It happens without condoning the other person's actions. It happens with compassion for ourselves. 

Loving yourself enough to let go of your pain will expand you. Loving yourself enough to move through your suffering to the other side of emotional freedom will change your life. Without letting go, you cannot expect to ever love fully or trust another again. 

Jennifer works privately in person or on the phone or Skype. Her work is powerful and cathartic. Ready to move beyond suffering and pain? E-mail her at JenniferEliabethMasters@gmail.com

Her latest book, Orgasm for Life is a brilliant foray into the minds and bodies of men and women. With wisdom and passion, Jennifer shares her own personal experience from her bedroom with her readers. She interviewed hundreds of men and women gay, straight, single and married. This is a book that is a life-changer! http://www.amazon.com/Orgasm-Life-Jennifer-Elizabeth-Masters/dp/0692227172

Will You Tolerate Abuse?

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

When talking about love and sex, we cannot forget the polar opposite, abuse. How do we know when we are being abused? What is the definition of abuse?

Google defines abuse thusly:
To use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse.
To treat (a person or animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly. "Riders who abuse their horses should be prosecuted."
Synonyms: mistreat, maltreat, ill-treat, treat badly, molest, interfere with, indecently assault, "he was sexually abusing children."

There are many ways we can be abused as an adult in our relationships. Most of us are aware of physical abuse, where someone hits, punches or beats another. This is never acceptable behavior in a relationship. Following are some of the different types of abuse:

The threat of violence, even without any physical hitting or punching is abuse. 

Emotional abuse can involve being denied money to spend on yourself, friends or family who can support you emotionally. Being told you have to give up your job, friends or family for the sake of the relationship is also abusive. 

Verbal abuse can be sarcastic put-downs, name calling, or verbal bashing to keep you from feeling good about yourself. 

There are other more subversive methods of abuse as well. 

With-holding of love or affection is abusive. Having sex denied for long periods (months or longer) is passive aggressive and considered abusive. Forcing someone to have sex with you, against their will is rape, whether you are married or not. 

The molestation of your children, by a partner or step-parent is abuse as well. 

Healing from the past can take a lifetime of work, releasing, forgiveness and letting go. Even with therapy, coaching and energy clearings, patterns from the past may continue to surface because of our fear. We tend to be hyper-diligent, running away at the first sign of conflict, because conflict causes unconscious fears to arise. Humans naturally have an aversion to pain, whether emotional or physical. Running away at the first sign of conflict can be a survival mechanism from childhood that is running your unconscious mind.

Women with a history of childhood molestation are often further abused in their adult lives by their partners. If the abusive patterns are not healed, and healthy boundaries  not put in place, we can continue to attract people who abuse us - even when we leave one abusive relationship. I am a perfect example. I left one marriage and spent 10 years healing before marrying again. Thinking I was "all better," I attracted a man who was more abusive than my previous husband. Healing from this requires diligence, courage and perseverance. Often when we begin to move into healthier relationships, it feels uncomfortable, because it is foreign. From one who has been there myself, having a healthy relationship with someone requires them to be incredibly patient with us, as we have a tend to make them wrong - even when they are not. We see our partners as the enemy because of our past experience.

Our fear of being hurt can block us from seeing the good in someone. We can be caught up in a paradigm where we see all men, or all women as the enemy. 

When we stay in a relationship with abuse, our children become embroiled in our arguments, and fear. Their self esteem and safety is undermined. They often grow up to be abusers themselves, or victims in their relationships. Thinking that you can protect your child from an abusive partner or collateral damage is dangerous.

What happens when we tolerate abuse?

While at the grocery store today, I witnessed a woman screaming at her 7-year-old son. She yelled at him, "I told you to stay fuc*ing home!" I could not believe that she would use that type of vulgar language to address her son, in public. This meant it was a regular means of communication for her. I see people minding their own business and avoiding expressing their concern because they think it is none of their business. I beg to differ. When we see someone abusing a child, animal or another we need to do something, rather than stand idly by.

I had to talk to the woman to express my concern. I asked her, "Did I just hear you use the "F word" to speak to your son?" She snarled back at me, "I Fuc*ing did! And I will speak to him anyway I want to cuz he's my kid!" Her little boy hung his head, feeling shame at his mother's behavior. I knew that if this woman swore at her child in public, she was hitting him in private. At one time, this would not have had much of an impact on me, as I was abused (differently) and my boundaries were absent. Today, however, this behavior disturbs me greatly.

I replied that "Swearing at a minor child whether they are yours or not, is illegal, considered fighting words." She snapped her mouth shut, angrily and wheeled her grocery cart to the check-out adjacent to the one we were standing in. This woman was probably abused when she was a child. Often when we don't get help, we become the abuser. 

When in an abusive relationship, we have several choices. Leave, and begin a new life getting counseling or coaching to heal from the patterns. We could stay, knowing that it will not get better on its own. Allowing this type of behavior in your relationship will escalate the abuse. Abuse does not get better it only gets worse. We have to change. We have to be able to recognize abuse when it is happening. When we are in the middle of an abusive relationship our shields are down and we usually have no boundaries or ability to stop it. We feel like we are walking on egg shells, never knowing when the next violence or argument will erupt. Usually, our abuser has an issue with rage. They will use their anger to avoid conflict. Strange, as you would think that anger would cause the conflict. Anger in an abusive relationship is used to deflect a subject they don't want to discuss, like their drug or alcohol problem.

Because I have experienced this first-hand (with several different partners) I understand how difficult and challenging it can be to move beyond abuse. We need to take a step back. When we do, we recognize how the abuse affects our self esteem and happiness. It is impossible to trust someone when you never know when they will erupt in anger or violence. We can't feel safe in our own homes or beds. 

Help for abuse and victims is available. Allow me to help you move into healthy patterns without fear, so that you too can love again, fully in the moment and experience joy.

Visit Jennifer's website

Jennifer is a life and sex coach with expertise in molestation, abuse and sexual dysfunction. She has been where you are and has wonderful tools to assist you move beyond the suffering and fear of living in abuse. Recovery is not only possible, but probable with Jennifer's methods. Compassionate, understanding and caring is Jennifer's way. However, she also knows how to hold your feet to the fire to help you uncover your own patterns of denial, escapism and dis-associative disorder or sexual dysfunction.