Competition In Your Relationship?

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Baseball, hockey, football, lacrosse, soccer are all competitive sports. A relationship is not one of them.

Competing for hierarchical position, who is most loved by children, in-laws or others, destroys a relationship. Competition is a lower egoic construct and has no place in a loving relationship.

We compete because we are insecure. We compete because we feel we have something to prove. We compete because we think someone is out to get us, or get something over on us. If you and your partner are competitive your relationship is on the rocks.

Competition is about winning. Competition shows who is better than the other. If this is the basis for your relationship you are destroying what love might have been there. No one wins in marriage. Showing your partner up, shows how little you think of yourself. You don't have enough love to give yourself, so you have to destroy your partner on some level. Winning helps you feel better about yourself, but tells your mate you think you are better than they are.

Competition is destructive. It does not matter who has changed more diapers, or walked the dogs more. It does not matter who works harder or longer hours. In the scheme of things if this is the focus of your relationship, I have to ask where is the love?

Why did you come together in the first place? What attracted you to this person. Is there enough love to stay together? If so, get some help. This is a battle that no one wins. No one feels good at the end of the day. It is very difficult to want to make love to someone who feels that they are better than you. Intimacy does not result from showing your partner up.

No one is better than another. The focus in life is on Unity. There is no "I" in team, remember? You are focusing on you, and your relationship is what will lay destroyed on the playing field. 

Mirroring

Remember a relationship mirrors back to you what is going on in your unconscious mind. If you are competing or feeling you need to "one-up" your partner, it is in an effort to make yourself FEEL better. When you destroy the other's self esteem, your relationship suffers, you end up in conflict and separate. Nothing about competition helps your relationship. Competition will destroy what love is left.

A Healthy Relationship

In a happy, balanced and healthy relationship both partners express interest and appreciation for each other every day. They support each other, with encouragement, rather than trying to be better than the other. They complement, and say thank you for the things that the other does for them. They show caring, affection, love with their words, actions and looks. Touching is part of a caring, balanced and healthy relationship. Making love keeps you close, intimate and connected. When a couple is having sex frequently, deep conversations about meaningful subjects create deeper intimacy and better communication. They share what is important to them, as their hearts are open. Regular sex changes a paradigm of competition and builds intimacy, through trust and communication. Where competition destroys intimacy, creates distrust and closes your hearts.

How Can You Change This Paradigm?

1. Take Responsibility. Recognize if you have a reaction, it is YOURS. Take responsibility for your reaction, rather than BLAME your partner.
2. Go inside and see why you feel compelled to put your partner down?
3. What about your relationship makes you feel good? Write down why you want to stay in this relationship. When you recognize that you are on the road to destroying your relationship, you have several choices. Stay, go, continue to fight. Which do you want?
4. Write down all the good things about your partner.
5. Begin to appreciate the things that your partner does for you. Tell them thank you. 
6. Spend some time each day telling each other what you appreciate in them.
7. Take some interest in what your partner is doing, rather than attempting to show them up by doing or bragging about how much MORE you have done.
8. Write down what makes you feel afraid of being in this relationship.
9. Talk to your partner about making some powerful changes within the way you relate. 
10. Consider hiring a coach who can help you with communication issues, or a therapist.
11. Get some help. Changing the paradigm within a relationship takes work, structure and mutual desire to make it work. 

Spending time with couples who have healthy, balanced and positive relationships can help. Watch how they interact with one another. Copy some of their styles of relating. Communicate with your partner that you would like things to be different and get their commitment to work on changing the way you relate. Both parties must work on this together for success. 

The basis for competition is a lack of self esteem. Competition highlights your insecurity. Take a self love course. Focus on yourself and making you feel better in positive ways, rather than negative ones. Hire a self love coach, that has healed their own insecurities.

Remember competition is not a part of love. Competition will destroy what you have. Look for the good in each other, instead of your partner's faults. 

Jennifer is a catalystic life, love and sex coach. She empowers women to love themselves fearlessly using the tools she created to heal her own unworthiness. She is an intuitive, giving you clear guidance on your deep issues in positive non-judgmental ways. Her guidance is clear, direct and positive. Her clients feel she knows them better than anyone has before. She is compassionate, caring, yet a no BS person. She will not beat around the bush. Instead, her guidance is direct, to the point and non-judgmental. Her wisdom and guidance shared will help you see the truth of your issues and soften your gaze, rather than continue to beat yourself up. The key here is that you don't change, but soften your perspective in myriad of ways, that creates acceptance rather than judgment.

Jennifer empowers you, helps you remove the fears and recognize your brilliance and beauty so that you radiate from within. These changes create permanent happiness, rather than looking for the next relationship to charge you up, fleetingly. Until you love yourself, your relationships will look the same - addictive, codependent and controlling. Isn't it time you began to look at yourself with eyes of LOVE, rather than beating yourself up? 

E-mail Jennifer  for a free 30 minute discovery session to see if Jennifer's work is a good fit for your life. Jennifer is the author of Orgasm For Life available on Amazon.com. Orgasm For Life will help you look at your partner with fresh and loving eyes. It will create a deeper understanding and clearer communication as well as heat up the passions of desire in your relationship. 

8 Steps To Being Happy In Your Relationship

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Our biggest source of struggle and challenge is in our relationships. Yet relationships are where we experience the most growth.

Relationships can bring us unlimited joy and happiness when they work. But when they go wrong they bring us so much pain and suffering. No relationship is perfect. Being in a soul-mate or Twin Flame relationship does not guarantee a struggle free one.

Relationships are the mirror into our own souls. Although difficult to believe when we are in the thick of an argument, whatever is going on in our outer world (relationships) is also going on inside of us. The true source of our pain and suffering is really from ourselves. When we come into a relationship not feeling good enough, feeling empty and incomplete, our relationships reflect back to us how incomplete and insecure we feel.

What if you were already perfect and just need to be reminded?

The more we focus on what is wrong with our life and relationships, the more we will find that things go wrong or badly. Fighting with others means that we have inner conflict. Instead of pointing the finger at your partner, take a step back and look within. What is your inner issue? If you begin to look at what your trigger is or what button is being pushed you will recognize that you are upset about something that has nothing to do with your current situation. Our triggers come from past events, most from early childhood. You are being triggered because this issue needs to be healed within you. Rather than blame your partner take responsibility for it and focus on where else you have experienced this issue. Don't attempt to change your partner, accept them as they are. This is the true meaning of unconditional love.

Let Go Of Competition

When our relationships are competitive it is because we are competitive with others.  There is no room for competition in a conscious relationship. A relationship between two people works best when we recognize that no one is higher, or better than us. We are all created equally.  Putting competition aside will create more ease in your relationships. Ask yourself where your feelings of not being good enough come? As a child when did you feel less than another? 

Lose The Expectations

Expectations of another sets the relationship up for disaster. Expecting someone to make us happy creates unrealistic expectations. No one can make you happy, but you. We are responsible for our own happiness. We choose to BE HAPPY, or NOT. We allow others personality traits to grate on our nerves by focusing on our differences. The more we focus on what bugs us, the more irritated we become. Letting go of expectations helps us become accepting of ourselves and others.

Bless Your Spouse

Years ago, I attended Mt. Bethel United Methodist church in Marietta, Georgia. http://mtbethel.org/ The preacher there, Randy, Mickler, is a dynamic Georgia Bulldogs fan. He was a true Southerner and talked incessantly about football. It is one of the things I remembered most about him. He became a televangelist. His services broadcast over the airwaves of Georgia and across the nation because he is a dynamic speaker. There is one statement I still remember from his sermons. "Bless your spouse." He talked for a full hour about how focusing on the good in your partner, rather than the negative would increase the positive feelings that you have for them. It does not matter whether you are married or just in a committed relationship. Focusing on the good in your partner and being grateful for all the good will help you to recognize the good in your world, life and of course, relationship. Conversely, focusing on the negative will fill your life with strife, struggle and negativity. When you focus on the positive in your partner, complement them authentically for the things that they do and all the ways they please you. This very simple act lifts them up. Everyone wants to be appreciated. Why not appreciate and Bless your spouse every day?

Listen

Lack of communication is the biggest source of discontent within a relationship. Without good verbal communication, there will be issues in the bedroom. Sexual issues are the first sign that things aren't working. If you stop having sex, the next step is an affair. When your schedule is laden with appointments, with little or no time to communicate, and without room to listen you are not making the relationship important. Listen to your partner. Really listen. Be present with your partner when they have something to say to you. Listen with an open heart. Hear what it is that your partner is saying, without thinking of what you need to say. Make eye contact and hear what they are saying. Listen to what is behind the words. Some of what your partner is not saying is as important as what is being said. There is meaning in hearing someone's pain. What is behind the words? Treat them like they are someone who matters. 

One of the biggest issues in our society today is that we don't listen to our partners and don't listen to our children. What is particularly troubling is that fathers spend less than 7 seconds a day with their children. This is descriptive of our living. No one is exempt. The word lonely means the absence of people. Yet, the feeling that you don't matter or are insignificant makes you feel lonely. Not being given attention even in a house full of people will leave you feeling lonely and alone. Having someone listen to us shows caring. This is a powerful way to be in a relationship. Show your partner you care about them by making what they have to say important to you. 

To focus on the positive, be slow to speak and slow to anger. Before speaking words of condemnation, criticism or negativity, think. Focus on the positive. Most of all listen to your partner. Our greatest ability to care is what deepens a relationship. 

We all have challenges. Being able to listen to your partner without ego and having to solve their issue is key. Sometimes we just need someone to listen to us. That may be all that is needed for us to feel better. Think before you speak. Once words have been released from your lips they cannot be taken back. 

Watch Where You Focus Your Attention

Have you ever noticed a barking dog in the middle of the night? The more attention you give to the barking dog, the louder the dog becomes. The more you focus on the barking, the more annoying it becomes. This is true of focusing on the negative in your partner. Complaining and nitpicking about every little thing you don't like about your partner, the way they speak, the way they breathe, the way they snore will create unrest for you. Focusing on all that you dislike or hate about your partner only increases your feeling of discontent. Instead focus on the positive. Wherever you focus your attention and energy expands.

The 8 Steps To Being Happy In Your Relationship:

1. Relationships are the mirror into our souls. Whatever is going on in your relationship is a reflection of your internal struggle.
2. Let go of expectations. Having expectations sets your partner and your relationship up for failure. 
3. Remember you are already perfect the way you are, so is your partner. Accept them as they are without trying to change them. 
4. Focus on the positive.
5. Listen with an open heart.
6. Bless your spouse every day.
7. Look inside. Accept and love yourself unconditionally.
8. Be grateful for what you have. The only way you will ever get out of lack consciousness is to be grateful for what you have currently without complaint.

Remember our relationships mirror our own issues back to us. Rather than believing that our partner is our issue, look inside. What is it that your partner is showing you about you? Remember everything is happening as it should. You are having this experience because you need to learn something from it. There is always a gift in the lesson. 

Jennifer is a love and relationship coach. Her own experience with trust, low self esteem and depression was the catalyst for her self growth and journey. She utilizes her own experience to empower women to love and accept themselves fearlessly and unconditionally. To schedule a session you can reach Jennifer via e-mail here:Divinehealingnow@yahoo.com