Ways We Self Sabotage Our Love Lives

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

When our hearts are broken we say things that create more pain and torture for ourselves. It is easy to blame others for the past. When we continue to believe that things will never change, we are correct. Whatever we believe, we create. Situations will be magnetized to us, for the thoughts that we think as well as the feelings and beliefs that we have. Life, is always working FOR us, rather than against us. Repeating statements that are negative set those negative beliefs in stone. There are ways to change what we think, and believe. We have the ability to move out of these patterns of self torture and self sabotage. 

Take The Leap 

When we constantly put ourselves down, critiquing every thing we do, we create more intense suffering! Make the decision to negate the negative thoughts, replacing them with positive ones instead. Have faith in you! Know that you are already an infinite expression of LOVE. 

It does not serve you to beat yourself up. It only makes you feel bad. You have the choice. Stay the negative course, thinking negatively, or DECIDE to change your thoughts and begin making positive steps toward self love and acceptance. Below are real statements that I have heard people say about themselves, their relationships, and beliefs. These statements are usually spoken with vehemence + emotion = creation! Knowing that we create with our thoughts, and emotions, these will disempower, creating more negative events.

Stop telling yourself the following: 

1. I won't ever love another.
2. I don't want anybody else.
3. I won't ever have love!
4. I have never had a relationship and I won't ever have one!
5. I'm too old for anyone to see a future with me now!
6. You were my last shot at love, nobody is going to want some broken old man!
7. I am the worst human ever! I can't go home again. 
8. No one wants me.
9. I am just not good enough for love.
10. I will always be alone.
11. I am destined to be alone forever.
12. I am too ______ for anyone to want me.

All these statements above, keep us stuck in a paradigm of negativity and suffering.

Life doesn't have to be so hard. We make it difficult by thinking self condemning thoughts about ourselves and others. If we are critical of others, we are critical of ourselves. 

I remember when I felt so bad about myself, that all my thoughts were negative. When I was feeling negative, it was hard to rise up and speak positive things over myself and my life. I remember when I used to compare myself to others. Comparing made me feel less intelligent, attractive and made me feel very unhappy. I don't do that anymore. I no longer focus on what others think of me. What others think of us, is none of our business. When we compare ourselves to others, we feel less than them. Comparing ourselves to others makes us feel broken, unworthy and inadequate. 

You are unique and different. There is no one else on this planet that looks like you. There is no one on this planet that has your talents, gifts or abilities. There is no one else on this planet that has your life

experience. There is only one you. You are perfect and unique the way you are. Remember to think of yourself as a unique expression of The Divine. There are no mistakes and no errors. How we look at ourselves, is up to us. 

Below are ways to get beyond the past, heal and begin to create positive scripts for yourself, your life and to attract love in. Repeat these statements over and over, it will help you move beyond the deep grooves that have been cut into your brain. New programming needs to come in to overwrite these negative programs. Say these positive affirmations out loud as soon as you awake. Say them again before you go to sleep. This way they will access your unconscious mind.

Positive Affirmations

1. I am lovable.
2. I have a purpose here on earth.
3. I am worthy of love.
   
4. I am a beautiful human being.
5. I am beautiful inside and out.
6. I am lovable.
7. I am loving and supportive of myself and my life.
8. I know that love will come to me when I truly love and accept myself, completely.
9. I am loving and kind.
10. I am perfect as I am.
11. I am a beautiful child of God.
12. God does not create junk. Therefore I am beautiful.
13. God does not make mistakes.
14. I am perfect as I am.
15. I feel myself filling with light and love as I speak these statements.
16. I am love.
17. I am light.
18. I am love itself.
19. I am worthy of a loving relationship.
20. I love and approve of myself.
21. I am perfect as I am.
22. I am worth my own time and energy.
23. I deserve my loving kindness.
24. I am intelligent.
25. I am talented.
26. I am creative.
27. I am kind.
28. I am here for a purpose.
29. The more loving kindness I speak over myself, the more positive I feel.
30. I choose to love myself unconditionally beginning right now!

Our brain is like a computer. The unconscious has no sense of humor and believes what we tell it. Therefore it is important to only say positive, loving, kind life affirming statements to ourselves. The more loving we become with ourselves, the more open to receiving love we become. We can reprogram our unconscious

mind. Repeating these positive statements when our mind is in neutral allows them to slip past the gatekeeper of the unconscious mind. Our mind is in neutral when we are doing things automatically, like peeling or chopping vegetables, showering, putting on makeup, shaving or driving.

What people are saying about Jennifer:

I met Jennifer at one of her workshops that a friend recommended to me.  At that time I was searching, and wanting some help out of my deep depression and anxiety.
Keeping in touch, I joined her on line workshops, and eventually her coaching once a week.

One of my earliest coaching sessions with Jennifer, I felt complete trust, like I have never felt with anyone in my ENTIRE LIFE.  I told her my deepest darkest secrets, and she welcomed me into her loving space.  For this, I will never ever forget, and will be eternally grateful.    

She allowed me to be where I was, no rescue, no high expectation - no pat advice that I have heard over and over - not landing anywhere in me that could really grow.

Her advice was simple and doable, small steps to move forward - with kindness, and no judgment allowed me to open up.

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The meditations helped me see my guides and myself in a new light.  

As I grew in compassion and respect for myself as a result from the coaching sessions, vast changes in me occurred.I feel happier, more peaceful, more truly loving now.
In both my professional life and personal life, the changes though subtle, were highly significant:  I easily am present with people and they sense this.  If nothing else occurs, I feel that this is a huge gift, to be able to connect with people so that they feel heard and significant. N.A., Atlanta, GA

Contact Jennifer now for questions, or to set up an appointment. 

Crippling Codependency

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

My mom and dad

When we are born, our mother's take care of us. They feed us, change us and hopefully love, and snuggle with us, taking care of our emotional needs. They tell us how wonderful we are and make us feel that we are the best thing since sliced bread! However, often our parents did not have good self esteem themselves. They pass on their insecurities to us.

When we are raised by a mother who is insecure, codependent or addicted in some way, our needs are not usually met. We grow up needing outside validation from others, or perhaps to be in a relationship to feel whole. Often parents make us responsible for their happiness, which leaves us feeling loved only when we are perfect. Unconditional love on the other hand breeds  a strong sense of self worth.

My mother became orphaned at the age of 5. Her mother died immediately after childbirth, due to no medical care. Although she had 5 previous home-births without difficulty, her last one did her in. Sadly, her father could not face life without his wife and poisoned himself while most of his children slept. My mother had awakened when he was pulling down the 50 pound bag of sugar from the attic. She was a sensitive child and knew something was a-miss. He told her to go back to sleep. 

After 92 years, my mother still talks about not having a mother. She struggles with insecurities, negativity, criticism, reactivity and needing to be validated by others for a sense of self worth. 

If we do not heal our childhood trauma, we carry it to our grave. We will never really feel lasting happiness either until we let go of our past. Forgiveness, gratitude and recognizing that each event in our life has a silver lining helps us move through guilt, resentment and anger. When we say thank you for the lessons learned and the gift, received, we begin to look at our past relationships as just experiences rather than mistakes. Each event teaches us more about ourselves.

After doing energy healing for over seven years, I have done over 2,000 energy clearings for people with issues of low self esteem, sexual dysfunction, blocks, suicide and depression (just to name a few of the things that can be cleared). These clearings help to eliminate limiting beliefs of unworthiness and not feeling lovable. 

Codependency comes from not feeling unlovable or unworthy. We feel incomplete in some way. This incomplete feeling leads to looking to others to feel full and fulfilled. Codependent people usually have addictions of some kind. The substance or activity is used in an effort to fulfill the person's emptiness and internal loneliness.

I suffered from codependency for years. As a result, I had to be in a relationship. I was a serial monogamist, going from one relationship into another. When in a relationship I gave up friends, visits with family, even jobs for the other person in an effort to PLEASE THEM. I even sent my oldest son to go live with his father because my current husband could not stand him. 

We tend to be people pleasers when we are codependent. We are obsessed with what others think and feel about us. We often feel lonely even when in a relationship. There is an emptiness that plagues us.

You May Be Codependent If:

1. You are barely breathing. Shallow breathing shows that you do not feel worthy to even breathe in and affirm life.
2. You have addictions - even to relationships or people.
3. You need to be in a relationship to feel whole and complete.
4. You are a people pleaser.
5. You will turn yourself inside out to please your partner or others.
6. You are overly concerned about what others think about you.
7. You doubt yourself.
8. You have difficulty making decisions.
9. You don't trust yourself.
10. You feel depressed and unhappy much of the time. 
11. You could also be overly emotional or dramatic when life's events happen.
12. Difficulty coping with life.
13. You find yourself going from one bad relationship to another.
14. Your lover, boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse cheats on you.
15. You are often disrespected by others.
16. You have a lot of fears.
17. You have anxiety or panic attacks.
18. You are controlling.
19. You are perfectionist.
20. Feel insecure.
21. Low self esteem.
22. Use manipulation to get what you want, could be making partner jealous to get attention.
23. Don't feel deserving of love.
24. Worry that you are not smart enough, pretty enough, or just not enough.
25. Give up jobs, friends, pets, children, loved ones to please your partner.
26. You blame others (parents, siblings life's events) for where you are.
27. You don't take responsibility for your own happiness. You expect someone else to MAKE YOU HAPPY.
28. May have poor personal boundaries - or even none.
29. Feel uncomfortable in your own skin.
30. May be concerned that people are looking at you.
31. You settle for relationships, because you are afraid of being alone.
32. You may have a difficult time speaking your truth (what is on your mind and heart).
33. You enable your partner, children and loved ones. 
34. You have difficulty making unpopular decisions for fear that they won't love you. Tough love is very difficult for you.

Being Codependent Isn't Fun

When we are codependent we often even change who we are for the other person, in an effort to make them happy. The end result is that you loose yourself and may find a need to end the relationship to find YOU. The problem is, that you may think a different relationship will do it for you. A new relationship only brings more of the same issues. You are the common denominator in all these relationships. Until you begin to look within, nothing will change.

Pain

Pain is what leads us to want things to change. When the pain becomes too great, it causes us to look for solutions.

How To Begin To Live Independently and Balanced

1. Be compassionate towards yourself.
2. Be your authentic self. People will love the REAL YOU!
3. Stop making excuses for yourself and others.
4. Take responsibility for yourself and your happiness. Choose to be happy!
5. Let go of trying to be perfect.
6. Breathe deeply. Affirm life and your worthiness.
7. Speak your truth as it comes up, instead of worrying about what others will think of you.
8. Stop focusing on what others think of you. What others think is none of your business.
9. Be soft and kind to you.
10. Nurture yourself each day.
11. Don't give up your workout, friends or job for another person.
12. Put yourself first instead of the relationship.
13. Use the mantra: I LOVE ME.
14. Meditate daily. Use The Divine Presence Process Meditation. It will fill you with love and help connect you to your Divine (or High Self).
15. Work on setting healthy limits and boundaries. 

LIVE ON THE RECONNECTED SHOW SATURDAY, JULY 19, 2014

All of our relationships mirror what is going on inside of us. They show us our own insecurities, feelings of lack and disrespect of self. 

Jennifer's Story The Short Version:

I used to do all of the above. I blamed my parents, the fact that I was molested as a child for everything. True those things impacted my life. But, they were put in my life to help me recognize who I truly was. 

After my third marriage ended, I recognized that I was the common denominator in all of my failed relationships. I could not continue blaming others. I had to take responsibility for myself and my own happiness. I had to OWN my emotions, rather than blame others for how I felt. I began to CHOOSE to be HAPPY.

I used to go to concerts and sit there with my hands neatly folded in my lap and watch others dance in the aisles. I wished I could clap to the music. I was so painfully concerned what others thought about me, I could not even do that. Today, I have no concern about what others think of me. I know that I can't please everyone. When I used to try, I was the one that was left feeling unhappy.

Today I live in joy, peace, harmony and happiness every day. I never feel lonely. Through loving and accepting all parts of myself completely (even the ones I did not like) I healed a lifetime of depression, insomnia, anxiety, Epstein Barr, (autoimmune disease) Fibromyalgia, sexual dysfunction and unfounded fear. I realized my negative thoughts were killing me. They were causing me pain in my body. Even after years of healing and self love, I found I had a little more resentment of my mother to heal.

I have healed breast cancer without chemo and surgery, by loving myself and forgiving myself and my mother a little bit more. I am totally fearless. Instead of being insecure, I feel strong, powerful and incredibly happy with my life. It does not matter where I live or who I a with. It does not matter how much money I have, or what car I drive. I feel joy by just being alive. Life is thrilling to me. I live each day with passion. I love life and love what I do. The key here is that you can too. 

My own emotional unrest and unhappiness drove me to become a hypnotherapist, Neurolinguistic Programming Practitioner and an energy healer. I used all of these things on myself to feel better about my life. I began to meditate every day. I released the stuck emotions, tears, anger and resentment.  I cried and released deep anger, when my last marriage ended. This made me recognize that all the energy healing in the world does not release stuck emotions from the cells. These things need to be allowed to move out.  Now, when I feel emotion, it moves quickly through me and it gone. I don't dwell on things for days. I get over them quickly.

I healed the soul fragmentation that occurred from the fear of being molested. This caused me to feel broken and incomplete within myself. I feel completely whole, grounded and strong.

Because I have done these things and created a healing modality to get these deep issues, I know it works. There was never a more negative person than me on this planet. If I can do this, anyone can! I have been where you are. I have lived with a feeling of not wanting to be in my own skin. I used to wish I could be anyone else but me. Now, I couldn't imagine being anyone but who I am. 

How It Works

When we love ourselves completely, we become a magnet for positive events and people. We attract the people and events we need to get things done. Synchronistic events occur, like magic. Life works for us, when we are positive instead of negative. 

When we love ourselves, we attract people who love themselves also. When you respect yourself, others will respect you as well. When you take responsibility for your own happiness, you stop looking for others to do it for you. You know it has to come fro within. When you are happy with you, you will be happy no matter where you are or who you are with. Your self worth will be present no matter what. Happiness is not fleeting when you love yourself, it resides within you. You are not looking for anyone else to fulfill you or make you happy. When you love yourself, you are happy and come to the relationship table already full, fulfilled and confident.

Jennifer's Website

You can e-mail Jennifer questions or suggestions for a blog post here:  JenniferElizabethMasters@gmail.com

Overcoming Neediness

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

You are on a first date. He seems amazing.  You can't wait to call him or text him to set up a second date. You inundate him with text  and phone messages. Then he doesn't call. What happened?

You might even text him a few times afterward saying how wonderful an evening you had. WRONG! One text saying you had a great time, "Thank you for a great evening." is fine. Anything more than one text is needy.

Give it time. Give it space. Breathe. Keep your feet on the ground. Notice and reflect on the date. Remember what he said to you. Did he listen, or was he texting someone else while on his date with you? 

When we are needy we tend to blow up and make insignificant things significant. We begin to think about spending the rest of our life with this person. We may even try his name on for size and wonder what our children will look like. Yet, we have only had one date. We might embellish their personality traits, overlooking their flaws. We also have a tendency to over look red flags. We need to remove our rose colored glasses that make him look better than he really is.

Instead of chasing a man, let him chase you. Men love the chase. When we are too available, too easy or always around, they don't have to chase. They become the fat lazy dog, that doesn't have to work for it. Men don't like that. They love the thrill of the hunt. Allow him to come to you. Allow him to miss you, think about you and make the first move after he has met you. Allow the man to be the man. Yes, this is the 21st century. But some things never change. Men's makeup is one of them. Men are the hunters and gatherers. Allow them to be the man. 

Neediness is very unattractive. Men find it a huge turnoff. How can we overcome our needy tendencies?

What is The Underlying Cause of Neediness?

Personal insecurities cause us to feel needy. When we feel we are not enough, unworthy or have low self esteem, we undervalue ourselves. We feel we have to take whatever we can get. We feel we need to settle, because we are afraid we will be alone. We are often so afraid of being alone that we will accept less than we deserve.

Our Mind Makes Up Stories

Our mind creates scenarios about possibilities with people in our lives. We can get carried away with these stories. Living in fantasy is not real. It is not healthy to follow these stories and embellish what is real. Being stuck in daydreams can cause us pain. Instead stop and breathe. Just be. Living in daydreams takes us away from reality. It drains our energy. Compulsive thoughts can stop us from really living. Stopping these day dreams will give us more energy. Instead watch and witness what is happening. 

How Can I Stop Being Needy?

1. Relax and just allow things to unfold naturally.
2. Stop trying to push a new relationship into something that it's not. 
3. Enjoy each moment of a new relationship. It is only new once.
4. Be patient. 
5. Take off the rose colored glasses. See this new person as they are - human with imperfections. 
6. Do not contact them more than they contact you. 
7. Do not suffocate your new found love. Give them space. Know that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Don't try to spend every waking moment with them. 
8. Do the things that you love to do. Exercise, spend time with your friends too. 
9. If the other person tells you that they are not interested, or stop calling you, let them go. Don't try to reel them back in - by doing things to get them interested in you.
10. Find a spiritual practice to help sustain you. I meditated every day. This meditation helped to fill the emptiness, I used to feel. The Divine Presence Process Meditation
11. Find other things to keep yourself busy. Do what you love. Many of us put aside our own desires putting the relationship in first place. Your needs are important. Do not make another more important than yourself.

Raising Your Confidence

Growing internally needs to be your number one priority. Know that it is okay to be alone. If you don't love being alone with you, how can you expect anyone else to? Find something that you love to do, that fills your soul whenever you feel alone. No one is responsible for your happiness, but you. Make an intention each day to feel strong, whole and complete. No relationship or other person can fill you with happiness permanently. 

Happiness comes from within. Each of us is responsible for making ourselves happy. Knowing yourself well - spending time getting to know you and choosing to love yourself changes everything. We are our own worst critics. Yet there is nothing broken or wrong with us. There is nothing wrong with anything. We just make choices for ourselves. When we know ourselves as love, we stop looking for love outside of ourselves. As we begin to expand in this love we make different choices for ourselves. You will begin to experience yourself in a new reality.

Letting go can feel scary. We don't have to know everything as we move through life. The not knowing is a new place to be. Know that you are not a victim or a martyr. Let go of the self persecution. Just recognize that we do these things to ourselves. Our thoughts of condemnation. You have limitless resources inside of you. Awareness changes everything. You will begin to notice, and just say to yourself, "I see that within me." Loving yourself, thanking it, with love and gratitude will allow you to move into harmony, rather than disharmony.

Here are some ways to change your perspective. We create our own life. You are already worthy. You are already enough. The more you love and accept yourself, the more beautiful you feel, love radiates from within. You experience yourself as being FREE, rather than trapped. You are safe. The more you love yourself the more you attract love to you. 

Give Your Confidence A Boost!

1. Take responsibility for your own happiness. No one can make you happy. 
2. Know that our relationships mirror what is going on inside of us. Ask questions to discover more about yourself.
3. Be compassionate towards yourself. 
4. Let go of judgment and control of yourself and others. 
5. Forgive Yourself. The Ho'oponopono Prayer is below.
6. Breathe. Deep breathing brings you into the present with conscious breath. 
7. Stop focusing on the past. Let go of your stories most of them are not real.
8. Allow yourself to FEEL. When we rail against feeling, our emotions get stuck in our body. Allow your energy to MOVE.
9. Spend time doing what you love. 
10. Nurture yourself each day. Take salt baths by candlelight, read, meditate. Spend time doing what fills your soul every day.
11. Use either mantra:  I AM WHOLE AND COMPLETE AS I AM.   or I AM STRONG!
12. Spend time alone. Don't look for a new relationship until you are sure you won't repeat old patterns. 
13. Experience yourself and your life, rather than judge.
14. Stop striving for perfection. Each of us is human, which means we will never be perfect. 
15. Embrace all of who you are, rather than trying to cut out the parts of you that you don't like.
16. Stop pushing your energy. Surrender into each moment. Feel what you are feeling. Drop inside to feel what you are feeling.
17. Be grateful. When we are grateful for what we have, our vibrant health each day...  more good comes to you.
18. Be authentic without fear. The more authentic you are, the happier you will be with your life. It is exhausting trying to please everyone and be what we feel others want us to be.

Ho'oponopono Prayer - For Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not a form of correcting, but rather letting go of the attachment to the past events in our lives that we have had reactions and judgement towards. Our reactivity towards events in our lives will begin to diminish. As we begin to shift our reality, we are triggered. We can choose differently how we react to events in our lives. Life is always and in every way working FOR you, rather than TO you. Life is our teacher. Learning to observe our lives with different eyes, changes everything. Use a softer focus or lens to view your life. View yourself with eyes of love, rather than judgment.

I am sorry

Please forgive me

I love you

Thank you.

When you feel ready to change paradigms to move out of fear and control, Jennifer can help you shift realities. She can help you get beyond where you are currently. You are far greater than you know. Jennifer can help you step into your BIG self, your High Self. 

Jennifer Elizabeth Masters is the author of Orgasm For Life. She is a life, love and sex coach. She has been a hypnotherapist since 1998, an energy healer since 2007, a certified life coach since 2011. Her website is: http://www.JenniferElizabethMasters.com