Learning To Love Again

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

http://blogtalkradio.com/hollischapmanshow
Interested in hearing who Jennifer is on the air? Join her this Friday at 1:00 PM EST and 10:00 AM PST as Hollis Chapman, author of the book Pursue Your Passion interviews Jennifer about her forthcoming book: Orgasm For Life.

This is Jennifer's second time on Hollis' show. Our last time was synergistic, laugh filled and very entertaining. Find out what makes Jennifer tick, and more about her book.

Loving intensely and passionately, giving your all can be breath-taking. When we give our all in a relationship without holding anything in reserve, and the relationship ends, our heart can feel like someone ran over it with a garbage truck. This love can be the hardest love to overcome. 

In my own life, I have loved, held back and also given my all, holding nothing in reserve. In those relationships where I held back, I did not trust myself completely. I doubted my ability to make good choices and constantly wondered if there wasn't something or someone better. In these relationships, we are not opening our hearts completely. We are not risking everything, we are not all in.

The loves that we gave without holding anything back, risking everything can be the most wonderful and terrible all at the same time. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, completely authentic and open we grow in love together. We are completely committed. When we give without holding anything in reserve we find ourselves on the razor's edge. We know things could go either way. We can fall dangerously and painfully, or we can be in heaven with our hearts aglow, buoyed above all else, at the top of the world. When these relationships end, our hearts hurt. We bleed tears. We run the gamut of emotions. Crying, screaming, grieving. We feel like death should take us, we are in such misery. We feel pain like we never have before. We can't explain to another the depth of the anguish we feel, nor can we know if we will go there again. In those moments, we can't imagine ever venturing into love ever again.

In my life, I have felt love intensely. I have given everything I had and then some. I have had a lover die in my arms after making love. I have married a gay man, unbeknownst to me (until after our wedding). I have been betrayed through affairs - even though we had wild sex regularly. I have been hurt, beaten down emotionally and buoyed up like I was in heaven. I have felt love intensely. Using my own lessons, I speak through my own experience of learning, growing and forgiving. 

Many of my clients have told me that they would never venture into the dating arena after being hurt. Love was just too painful to experience it again. Rejecting the possibility of personal growth, healing and the ability to love again means that you are not living fully. However, looking for love, assures us that it will continue to be elusive. We have to let go to receive it. We have to stop looking to start living. We have to love ourselves completely first, before we can completely love and accept another.

Letting go, forgiving ourselves for our choices and the other for the pain we endured is part of the healing process. Our hearts will mend, eventually. Our minds however, never forget. We keep score on our internal tally sheet of the times our heart has been broken and mean it when we say, "Never again!" Yet, time does heal. We do eventually forgive. If we don't we cause ourselves more pain by suffering endlessly. Our bodies become ill from the anger, resentment and we may even succumb to cancer, diabetes or other ailments from not letting go or forgiving. 

Love is a part of the human experience. Connection is one the human heart needs. Our bodies long for touch, to be hugged again and to be held, like we will never be let go. Humans were not meant to live alone, or to die alone. Marriages and relationships end, continued suffering is optional. Choosing to let go and trust again takes courage. It takes inner resolve. We require the wisdom of the observer that is able to quiet the ego-mind. 

Our egos will tell us, "Don't go there..... remember how it hurt the last time?" Our ego attempts to protect us. It is the rudder on the road of life, not the steering wheel. Not loving or choosing not to have a new loving experience is shutting down or closing your heart. A closed heart emotionally can lead to a heart attack physically. There are many reasons to open your heart - the least of which is concern for your well-being. Loving renews us. Opening our hearts allows light in where darkness once was. It gives us hope of a brighter and much more fun tomorrow. It gives us pause to consider that we might just be able to go there after all. Opening our heart opens us up to unlimited possibilities not just romantically, but in all aspects of our life.

Remember how you felt when you began to connect with someone? Each moment you shared with this person became etched in your mind. As you began to recognize the possibilities with this new person, you marked off your firsts together. Every new experience was monumental. The first whole day you spent together. Your first embrace. The first time you held hands. The first time you really looked deeply and connected with your new loves' eyes. You tend to take things slower when you have been hurt. Slow is good. Taking deliberate, daily steps forward. Slow can keep you grounded. As you begin to feel more comfortable, you begin to be more vulnerable, allowing them in. You gain confidence in yourself, perhaps even considering that you can do this. You talk, listen, then begin to warm up to the idea that anything is possible.

Getting to know someone slowly allows you time to acknowledge and accept the beginning of something new. A second chance, a third chance. You laugh to yourself that you have lost count of how many chances you have had at love.

Eyes are the window to the soul. Deep eye gazing is the first way that our souls connect. We have to feel comfortable enough with ourselves to allow someone to really look deeply into our soul. Your body might tingle when you make deep connected eye contact. Your tummy may flutter. All these new feelings are the stirrings of something greater. They are the possibility of love. 

When we begin to say, "YES!" instead of "HELL NO!" we are allowing ourselves to go further. We are opening up to the possibility of going beyond where we have ventured before. 

We all show up to the party with baggage. Some of us have Louis Vuitton, some of us have Samsonite, some of us come with a slew of steamer trunks that are weighed down with memories, score keeping and "I will never again.............  (fill in the blank). We have our rules and our road blocks. Some of our road blocks are made of concrete, while others are made of wooden boards. We begin to shift our consciousness by accepting the fact that we really do want to be loved, rather than shut in. We begin to see that we really want to have someone to share the road of life with. Life is so much more enjoyable when we share our adventures as well as our day-to-day ups and downs with. 

Yes, we can be fiercely independent and powerful on our own. We can climb mountains, forge streams and create profitable companies. We can do so much on our own. Yet, with another standing by our side, we are so much more. We are not less with a partner. We become so much more. 

Each new day offers us opportunities from The Universe. We can accept these new adventures or say, "NO!" When we reject the opportunities we can create blocks to new life experiences. Life is about forward movement. When we choose to stay stuck in one paradigm rather than allowing new experiences in, we are not living fully we are choosing to die alone. There are steps to take to heal from a past heart-break. These are my recommendations.

1. Forgive yourself for the break-up. Then forgive your past partner. I recommend the Ho'oponopono Prayer. A Kahuna healing that is simple, deep and profound. Forgiving yourself first for your choices, what you did and didn't do is imperative to move forward.
2. Let go of feeling you made a mistake. Every relationship teaches us something profound about ourselves. Even though we may experience pain, there is always a gift - to takeaway. Take responsibility for your choices, rather than blaming your partner. You are not a victim. It was a lesson learned. You learned it well. There are no mistakes only lessons. 
3. Allow yourself to feel your emotions rather than shut them off or hold them inside. Cry if you want to, get angry and vent - without hurting another person. Go to a batting cage, or punch a heavy bag. (I took a self defense course after my second divorce. I wailed on a heavy bag so hard that I was covered with bruises. It allowed me to physically emote and vent my anger. Allowing yourself to release the emotions is healthy.
4. Stop being angry with your ex. At some point you have to let go. If you don't, you are stuck in a paradigm that needs to shift. An energy clearing, hypnotherapy or coaching can help with this. It is NEVER one person's fault. Let it go. Refer to # 1, 2 and 3. REPEAT as needed, till you have let go.
5. Take the time you need to heal and be with yourself. Get to know who you are. Take my Love Yourself Fearlessly course. Find out what you really want in a partner. Write a list. Check it twice. Look at your past patterns. What needs to change within you? What work do you need to do so you don't repeat the same patterns again in another relationship.
6. Recognize when enough time has passed and The Universe is sending you good people. When a person appears in front of you, have the courage to step up and out of your own shit to recognize the good in him or her. We often get so bogged down in making the other sex wrong that we damn everyone. We turn away good partners. We avoid contact. We don't take phone calls because we are afraid. See the good in the person in front of you, rather than making them all WRONG!
7. Let go of your fear. If you have been badly hurt, betrayed, abandoned or abused, it may take years to get to the point where you finally feel you might consider dating again. Getting to this place means you have to let go of the fear. Fear will cause you to avoid situations. Fear will create stories in your mind that aren't true. (Hire a coach to help you resolve this and move beyond your fear).
8. Be authentic. Be yourself. Love who you are. Yes, we might be older, more wrinkled, heavier, thinner, or more experienced than we were the last time. Embrace who you are. Rejoice in your truth. Be honest, open and don't talk endlessly about your ex with your friends or your new dates.
9. See the good. No one is perfect. There is no such thing as a fairy tale. Everyone has faults, even you. Allowing your partner to be imperfect and loving them anyway is what unconditional love is. Don't try to change your partner. You want to be loved and accepted for who you are. You need to do the same with your new partner. Allow them to be who they are - even if they like country and western music, or love to sing in the shower. Whatever it is that drives you crazy, let them be themselves. 

The Ho'oponopono Prayer

This prayer has been used to heal the most difficult of hurts - molestation and physical hurts by the Kahuna healers of Hawaii for hundreds of years. Focus on yourself first. How have you created pain or kept yourself in a situation that was not healthy for you longer than you needed to? Forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be hurt. Pray the following prayer slowly, for at least 15 minutes or until you have a feeling of being complete. Once you have completed the prayer for yourself, begin to forgive your partner. 

I am sorry

Please forgive me

I love you

Thank you

Jennifer is the author of the forthcoming book: Orgasm For Life. Due out at the end of May, 2014, Orgasm for Life is a light-hearted look at men and women, our differences, challenges and joys. It bridges the gap of our differences and unites our hearts, minds and souls so that we can enjoy orgasms, in all areas of our life, not just in the bedroom. Her website is: http://www.JenniferElizabethMasters.com  You can reach Jennifer to book your discovery session. See if you are a good fit for Jennifer's private coaching. JenniferElizabethMasters@gmail.com

Jennifer is a hypnotherapist, intuitive life, love and sex coach, empowering women to be all that they can be in their life, love and relationships. Being happy with ourselves, loving all that we are is Jennifer's teaching. She has healed her own codependence, addiction and life. She is a workshop leader, teacher and Metaphysician, guiding people to live their soul purpose and loving their lives.