Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Looking For Love in All The Wrong Places

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Back in 2009, I was on a dating site Chemistry.com. I hadn't dated in a while and thought, I needed to get back out there and find someone. I did talk to several people and finally decided to meet a guy. Perhaps my story will spark something within you that you can relate to. I've changed his name to Jason to protect his identity.


Jason's profile picture was two photos. One photo was taken too far away so you couldn't see his face with his arm around his cattle dog with a mountain bike, sunglasses, hat, and a helmet. The other was of him with a group of people wearing sunglasses and a hat. In both photos, he was hiding something but I ignored the red flags. I went for it anyway. I wanted a relationship. 

Our first date was pleasant. I did most of the talking. Little did I know that what began would also end our relationship. He didn't talk to me. I thought he was shy.

He lived in an RV. Though this was a huge red flag, I ignored this one also. I explained the reasons away that he might not want a house and commitment. My friend Diana remarked, "What's the deal with you and guys with RVs? My Twin Flame John Armbruster also lived in an RV. Red flag number two.

He loved his dog. His dog was his baby. His dog could do no wrong. His dog almost ate one of my cats and he had to climb a tree to get him down. He was oblivious to any wrongdoing on his dog's part and did not take responsibility for any of it. Red flag number three. My cat began peeing in the house when he moved in with me.

I rarely drank. We went out often with his friends where he always drank, it didn't seem like too much at first. I was mesmerized by how much they loved him. Even their children loved him. It seemed I would have a newfound family. He spent much of his time riding motorcycles, mountain and street cycling with his buddies on the weekends. I didn't think this was a bad thing till much later. Red flag number four.

I had a busy life with my landscaping business and my daughter. From day one, she thought he looked like a monster and didn't like him. She kept asking me was he gay? Red flag number five.

I ignored my daughter, what did she know as she was only about thirteen at the time?

He had redeeming qualities that I focused on rather than the negative. He helped chop wood. He put in a wood stove to save on my heating bills. My next door neighbor (an alcoholic) loved him and told me I needed to keep this guy. I wondered why he loved him so much. It wasn't until much later when I recognized he was an alcoholic that birds of a feather attract each other. My father was a drinker. I didn't recognize that I was looking for my father in him.

When an issue came up about my work, he said he was okay with what I did (he lied). He was raised a Baptist. I knew that people with strong religious leanings didn't work well with my energy work and hypnotherapy. I ignored that too. My mother mentioned she thought that he didn't like my profession - the healing part. Red flag number six.

I enjoyed having someone to do things with. I enjoyed his friends and their families. I put aside my feelings and misgivings because I wanted a relationship. I gave away my power to have someone in my life. He didn't want to talk about problems as they came up, it was always the wrong time. Red flag number seven.

Six months in he asked me to marry him. I felt it was too soon. I felt he was pressuring me. I felt he was hiding something but I wasn't sure what it was. My neighbor said I should keep him. I listened to other people, rather than to my inner guidance and my daughter. Red flag number eight (not listening to my inner voice gave away my power. I didn't tell him about my fears of him hiding something. I didn't tell him I felt there was something he wasn't telling me.)

My sons met him and liked him. We had family dinners together. It felt nice. As we prepared for our wedding he asked, "You don't want a ring, do you?" Red flag number eight. If a guy doesn't give you an engagement ring he doesn't value you. I hawked my jewelry to buy our wedding rings. Red flag number nine. We shouldn't be getting married if there is no money for wedding rings. I wasn't important enough for him to spend money on me. He spent it on his bikes, trips, and travel, but not on me. 

As our wedding date neared I noticed beer bottles hidden in the barn. He was drinking more frequently. If we ran out of beer one day he would bring home a case the next. There was never a time there wasn't beer in the house. Before I met Jason, I could go an entire year and not drink a single beer or glass of wine. 

My daughter continued to ask, "Isn't he gay?" I couldn't understand her query as we were having sex when we were together. I didn't put two and two together when I recognized his preference for oral with his eyes always closed but never on me. Sex was always from behind, no matter what I wanted.

Tension was building and we began to argue. I thought it was because of the pressure of the wedding preparations. He didn't like anything I liked. I should have called off the wedding, but I didn't. We were less than two weeks away, my mother had bought her plane ticket. My kids were excited for me. I liked being partnered. 

All relationships have issues. It two people can't talk about the problems as they come up there is no resolution. 

When the time came for us to take our ski vacation he let me know there wasn't enough money for me to go. We didn't have sex before he left and he was distant and shut down when he returned. Sex stopped happening which he said was because my daughter had moved in with us full time. Previously, she had been with us every other week. 

At six I'll take you to the second half of this huge lesson:

Marrying A Gay Man