By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
I originally wrote this post for Conscious Life News. I am a featured author for them.
The law of reciprocity is one of the Universal Laws, that states that whatever you send out into the cosmos, or Unified Field will return to you. Whatever emotions you feel, thoughts you think, and things you do, reverberate out and then boomerang back to you, manifesting as physical outcomes in the material world. The Unified Field can be experienced as the field of unlimited possibilities.
In my coaching practice, I often hear both women and men making statements like; "This will never work." "This will be hard." "He'll never go for that!" Even people who are waking up, use closed-ended statements that bring exactly what they don't want right back to them. Let's look at what Merriam Webster says about reciprocity for further clarification.
1. a situation or relationship in which two people or groups agree to do something similar for each other, to allow each other to have the same rights, etc. : a reciprocal arrangement or relationship
2. the quality or state of being reciprocal : mutual dependence, action, or influence3. a mutual exchange of privileges; specifically: a recognition by one of two countries or institutions of the validity of licenses or privileges granted by the other
Why then in so many relationships is there little reciprocity? Men complain about not getting enough oral sex, which makes me wonder, are they giving as much as they want in return? Women complain that they are generous with favors or the oral kind, yet their men ignore this law, not returning the favor. Houson, we have a problem!
My recommendation to couples is to come to the party ready and in sacred form. What does this mean? You wouldn't show up at a wedding without showering. Why then would you consider showing up for an intimate event unshowered. Most of us feel uncomfortable when we have not arrived showered fresh. My recommendation is to make a shower or bath a sacred act, the beginning of your coupling. Brush your teeth, gargle, so that you are kissable fresh. The law of reciprocity works here by suggesting your partner be as clean and fresh as you are.
For the men in the group, I recommend making sure that your partner has had as much fun as you have. It you are too tired after you have expended your energy and you know it, make sure that you have pleasured your partner till they have had as much enjoyment as you are about to. My recommendation to heterosexual couples is this: women come first, last and always.
I have interveiwed hundreds of couples married and single. Of the women I interviewed, they said they rarely had orgasms as often as their male partners. In fact, many women said they never did. One woman, married 35 years told me that she thinks she had one orgasm. When she talked to her huband about it, he put a pillow over her head and beat her. Women need to be able to speak up about their lack of satisfaction, without being reprimanded or punished for it. Everyone deserves to have pleasure. When it is one-sided relationships eventually fail. Someone leaves because they are tired of being disatisfied. Or the flip side is that sex becomes so unfulfilling that the women just say, no!
Faking orgasms is inauthentic. It is a lie. We need to be honest with our partners and expect reciprocation for pleasure given. Using the Universal Law of Correspondence, you probably lie about other things as well if you fake orgasm. You might lie to yourself or be in denial about other things, but don't recognize it yourself. 67% of women fake orgasm and 72% of women have been with a partner who orgasmed and didn't help her get there.
A woman that came to me for sex therapy was concerned that there was something wrong with her. In 26 years of marriage, she rarely orgasmed. When I asked what was their usual fare, she told me the following: he would digitally stimulate her for about two minutes, mount and go for the gold. Their coupling lasted approximately two minutes. His wife suggested swinging and he declined. She was so disappointed in their sex life and attempted to change things up a bit. He lost all around. She divorced him. This tells the very real and sad truth. Men don't know what women need and are not particularly interested in doing the research to find out.Sadly 40% of women rarely have orgasms and keep on faking it to make their partners feel better. Pleasure is to be reciprocal. A relationship needs to be mutually pleasurable. When women are not pleasured to orgasm, they often feel frustrated, angry and resentful. This resentment spills over into the relationship as well. These feelings do not diminish over time. If a couple stays together for the long haul, these same men are the ones complaining that there is no sex later in life at all.
Part of the issue is that many women are afraid to explore their own bodies. To illustrate this point a recent study found that 30% of women and 25% of men don't know where the clitoris is. I recently coached an older gentleman who was having sexual issues with his wife and bought my book. He and his wife have been together over 40 years. He told me after reading Orgam For Life, he found he was doing everything wrong. He thought the clitoris was the G-Spot! For sex to be mutually pleasurable we both need to explore ourselves, what feels good and what doesn't. Conversations about sex need to happen outside of the bedroom, when you are at dinner or over a glass of wine. You never know where you might end up once you open a discussion about pleasure.
One of the questions I ask men is, "How would you feel if you had sex several times a week for 30 years, without an orgasm, without oral sex or without receiving adequate pleasure to experience bliss?" The answer is a unanimous, "That would suck!" You betcha! As a woman who experienced just that, I stand for women who are not speaking up, who are not asking for what they deserve. This is why I wrote Orgasm For Life. For the women in the crowd and the men that are regularly getting you to the big "O," I applaud you both. For those lucky women, I hope you buy him a bottle of wine or make him something nice for dinner. Men like that are few and far between.
The statistics paint a dim picture of what men have learned about us women and what we need to get us there. 75% of men continue to have penetrative sex with their female partners, even though only 25% of women experience vaginal orgasms a third of the time. In other words, most women do not orgasm through penetrative sex alone.
Women need to speak up and ask for what they want. Why aren't women doing this for the most part? The answer is complex. The first reason is because women don't want to bruise their partner's egos. Men's self esteem is rooted in their sexuality. When we say we aren't coming, men are often crest-fallen. Some men take it like a big boy and say, "Ma'am what can I do to help?" Well some of them do. When I told my husband he raged at me, to the point that I never brought it up again.
What most men don't realize is that although they can reach the pinacle of pleasure in 2 minutes or slightly more, most women need 20 to 40 minutes of stimulation to get the Mount Everest high. The key is in the way that you have sex. If oral sex and digital stimulation precedes penetrative sex for at least fifteen minutes, you might be lucky enough to get her there. Not everyone is wired the same way, however. When I was doing research for my book, I found one woman who could think her way to an orgasm. I really want to meet this incredible woman. What a mind! She must have one heck of an imagination!
5 Things Women Can Do To Experience More "O"
- Practice self pleasuring. Find out what feels good. Get to know what parts of your body are more sensitive. Everyone is different.
- Open your mouth and breathe. When women keep their mouth closed during sex, they are less likely to orgasm. As above so below. An open mouth relaxes the vagina and helps you orgasm. The throat is also a sexual center, as most men already know. Open your mouth!
- Pump your hips up and down and squeeze your vaginal muscles. When you move your hips up and down you get your kundalini moving. The kundalini is the source of life and pleasure. It moves up the spinal column, from the root chakra and culminates in the frontal cortex of the brain at the time of orgasm lighting up 80 centers in the brain. Squeezing the vaginal muscles, can heighten pleasure for you both. Doing kegels out of the bedroom is recommended for both sexes for enhancement.
- Be In The Moment and Focus on Sex. Thinking about the laundry, the kids, shopping, dishes in the sink will only keep you distracted and from achieving an orgasm. Your mind is what ignites your body. Think about how wonderful it feels. Focus on the pleasure. Each time your mind wanders come back to your body. Feeling each moment. Enjoying the pleasure.
- Make Sounds. Sounds are the primal force of nature. Sound is creation. Moaning will turn you and your partner on. If you feel so moved, YELL! Most women are so concerned about what the neighbors will think, will the police be called? Forget about what you look like and be in the moment. Allowing yourself to let go with sounds will also help you let go and achieve ultimate pleasure.
Jennifer Elizabeth Masters awakened in 2012. She is a Metaphysician, author, love and passion coach and lover of pleasure. Through her own journey and Tantra healing she became orgasmic. After spending much of her life not having orgams she now helps women and men have more fulfilling sexual and loving relationships. Self Love is the foundation of all her work with addictions, relationships and the key to enlightenment. Jennifer's blog, Love Yourself Fearlessly, is one you will want to read and share with your friends. She also has videos on You Tube to assist you. Her books are available on Amazon.com. You can e-mail Jennifer to set up your discovery session for free to see if her work is a good fit for you. Other posts by Jennifer