By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
What Does A Boundary Do?
For those of us who are codependent, telling someone "No!" or "Stop!" or anything else that might be unpopular may be very difficult. As a codependent parent, we may find it very hard to set healthy limits with our children. When we are asked to participate or contribute in an activity that we don't want to, doing so will make us feel angry and resentful. Yet, many of us agree to do things we don't want to. This is because we are afraid we will lose what we have. We don't want people to think negatively about us. We tend to clam up, rather than voice our true feelings. We are so afraid to speak up that we continue to stuff our emotions and betray ourselves. This self betrayal leads to a lack of trust. We don't trust ourselves, because we allow ourselves to be hurt. We can't protect ourselves, because we are too afraid to speak up.
We are so used to stuffing or ignoring our feelings, that we can't express ourselves honestly because we aren't even aware of how we truly feel. Not accessing our feelings and being authentic about ourselves causes us to shut down emotionally. When our emotions are shut down, we are also not open to connecting deeply and intimately with another. We then become emotionally unavailable.
Boundaries are one of the most misunderstood parts of any relationship. Without boundaries we have no sense of where someone ends and we begin. When we do not set healthy limits and boundaries, we often end up with an emotional reaction. Anger is often the triggered emotion when someone crosses that invisible line in the sand.
What Does A Boundary Do?
A boundary defines your personal truth about -
- your personal needs
- your personal happiness
- your personal integrity
- your personal desires
Signs You Need Better Boundaries?
- You say yes, when you mean "HELL NO!"
- Accepting sex when you don't want it.
- You feel guilty for saying no.
- You don't speak up when someone mistreats you.
- You become overly involved in other's problems.
- You give too much, to be perceived as worthy or useful.
- You act out of integrity to please others.
- You agree with or adopt other's beliefs just to fit in and be accepted.
- You don't define your emotional needs in your personal relationships.
- You allow yourself to be interrupted in order to please or meet another's needs. Putting other's needs before yours.
Our emotions tell us when our boundaries have been crossed. If someone touches you in a way you don't want to be touched and you become angry, your personal boundary has been crossed or ignored. We have to determine what our own boundaries are. No one else can tell us what they should be. When we do begin to set boundaries we are often told by our husband, wife, parents, friends what our boundaries need to be. Yet, no one can tell us what our boundary should be.
Setting Boundaries Can Be Difficult
As children, many of us were invalidated by our parents. We may have grown up ignoring our feelings. We were often told to stop crying, or not to be angry. We had to be a "good" little boy or girl. We were told not to be ungrateful and therefore shamed. Sadly, many of us were told not to cry. With these invalidated feelings many of us have the following issues:
- We don't know ourselves.
- We don't know what we like and don't like.
- We don't know what brings us happiness or makes us unhappy.
- Therefore we have difficulty assessing what we truly desire.
- We can't be authentic. We wear a mask that keeps our true self hidden.
- We have no idea who we are and neither does anyone else.
Getting in touch with how we feel takes practice. We need to listen to our emotions. When we don't listen, we are the ones that violate our own boundaries. It is this personal violation that causes us to feel abandoned and betrayed, not by another, but by ourselves. Stuffing our emotions leads to depression as well as leading to physical pain and illness.
There are many different types of boundaries. We have physical, mental, emotional, sexual and spiritual boundaries.
Codependent People
For those of us who are codependent, telling someone "No!" or "Stop!" or anything else that might be unpopular may be very difficult. As a codependent parent, we may find it very hard to set healthy limits with our children. When we are asked to participate or contribute in an activity that we don't want to, doing so will make us feel angry and resentful. Yet, many of us agree to do things we don't want to. This is because we are afraid we will lose what we have. We don't want people to think negatively about us. We tend to clam up, rather than voice our true feelings. We are so afraid to speak up that we continue to stuff our emotions and betray ourselves. This self betrayal leads to a lack of trust. We don't trust ourselves, because we allow ourselves to be hurt. We can't protect ourselves, because we are too afraid to speak up.
Emotional Unavailability
We are so used to stuffing or ignoring our feelings, that we can't express ourselves honestly because we aren't even aware of how we truly feel. Not accessing our feelings and being authentic about ourselves causes us to shut down emotionally. When our emotions are shut down, we are also not open to connecting deeply and intimately with another. We then become emotionally unavailable.
Withholding Love
Loved ones can withdraw love from us. They can keep love and sex from us. This is crossing an incoming boundary. Having love withheld can be very hurtful.
Feeling Hurt
When someone hurts our feelings, an emotional boundary has been crossed. We need to take a step back and really look at our relationship. Is it working for us? What needs to change? We need to be able to ask for what we want and say what we don't want.
We need to know who we are and what we really want. When we are ashamed, we have poor boundaries. In order to fit into the family we learn to mask the way we truly feel because our true emotions are unacceptable in many cases.
Are You.....
- are you afraid of people thinking negatively about you?
- doing things you don't want to do?
- afraid to let people know how you really feel?
We need to let our friends and loved ones know when we feel they have overstepped a boundary. Speaking up for ourselves is an important part in building self trust. The more that we advocate for ourselves the better we will begin to feel. The crazy mixed up feelings we often have because we want to please others, but end up feeling that we are doing things we don't want to do will stop when we begin to stand up for ourselves with boundaries.
What kinds of boundaries are there?
Boundaries can involve our material possessions, homes, car, belongings. We also have emotional, physical, sexual, mental and spiritual boundaries.
Remember these key points:
The National Guild of Hypnotists.
What kinds of boundaries are there?
Boundaries can involve our material possessions, homes, car, belongings. We also have emotional, physical, sexual, mental and spiritual boundaries.
Remember these key points:
- Allowing someone to cross our boundaries is self betrayal.
- When we don't set healthy boundaries and stand up for ourselves by self advocating we abandon the self.
- Setting boundaries makes the difference between a healthy functioning relationship and one where we will end up feeling resentful and angry when we do things we don't want to do.
- Your personal integrity and authenticity depends on you setting and keeping healthy boundaries.
- We need to be in touch with how we feel.
- Boundaries are all about your FEELINGS and emotions.
- Whenever we begin to change the way we govern ourselves, it can feel foreign and uncomfortable at first. Stepping into new territory can feel a little weird because it is different than what we are used to. This is normal. Often people who come from abusive backgrounds have challenges when they begin to move into new territory.
You did not come to this place overnight. It takes perseverance and courage to continue to work on yourself. Most people need to have someone to guide them weekly. This is what I do for my clients. I am a natural catalyst. Being on the phone with me each week causes issues to bubble up to be processed and healed. I help you through different modalities to let go of the past, forgive those who you feel have hurt and harmed you and begin to see life for the experience that it is. Life is always and in every way working FOR you. It is the way that we view life, or react to it, that changes our perspective. I help you change your perspective. You don't change, it is your lens that you see life through that does. You are already perfect, whole and complete. I just remind you that you are.
I have the solution to your problem! I am the solution person for your life issues. As a healed healer, I have been where you are. I can guide you through processes that I know work. Anxiety, depression, insecurity and even illness will wane. You will begin to feel like a whole and complete person with confidence, and a quiet mind.
In 2012, I became self actualized and enlightened. What does that mean to you? It means I no longer take things personally, my ego is quiet and I come from a place of complete acceptance and love. I have done over 30 years of inner work and healing, study and recovery. I love myself completely. I am no longer anxious, depressed, lonely, worried or fearful. I can help you find your path. I am your spiritual pathfinder. I am the guide that you need. If you know someone that can benefit from this post, pass it on. You might be helping more than just one person, in this way.
In 2012, I became self actualized and enlightened. What does that mean to you? It means I no longer take things personally, my ego is quiet and I come from a place of complete acceptance and love. I have done over 30 years of inner work and healing, study and recovery. I love myself completely. I am no longer anxious, depressed, lonely, worried or fearful. I can help you find your path. I am your spiritual pathfinder. I am the guide that you need. If you know someone that can benefit from this post, pass it on. You might be helping more than just one person, in this way.
Certifications:
The National Guild of Hypnotists.
The Spiritual Response Association, Advanced energy practitioner. Meaning she can clear past patterns, limiting beliefs, negativity, attachments, control issues, etc.
Coach Training Alliance, a 22 week coaching training that cost thousands of dollars. Jennifer is so much more than a coach. She is a healed healer and catalyst.
Neurolinguistic Programming Practitioner, meaning that she has the ability to eliminate fears, triggers and things that make you feel like you can't cope.
Jennifer is a Georgia Master Gardener. Now she helps you tend the garden of your heart. She is an animal lover, communicator and channel. She is compassionate, direct and honest. She is one of the most authentic people you will ever meet. Don't ask a question you don't want the answer for, she will tell you the truth. Some people are not ready for the truth. You can connect with Jennifer through her private e-mail here:
