Recognizing Fear of Intimacy How To Move Beyond Your Fears

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Fear of intimacy keeps many of us, from having deeply connected relationships. A fear of allowing someone close to us means we don't allow others to see our true feelings or our authentic selves. In this article, I will share my personal experiences and how I overcame and continue to work on this issue.

What is Fear of Intimacy?

Fear of intimacy is an unconscious fear of closeness -  emotional and or physical. A fear of intimacy shows up in our closest relationships. It affects our ability to allow someone close to us both physically and emotionally. 

We may long for a loving relationship, but when we have one we may have difficulties allowing someone to see our true selves. In order to have deep intimacy with another we need to drop our defenses and allow the other to see us up close, without a mask, shield or wall. 

Just because you have sex with someone does not negate the fact that you have a fear of intimacy. You may be able to have sex with someone and then recoil - pulling away from their new lover. Many one-night stands happen due to a fear of intimacy.

You Can Be Married And Have A Fear Of Intimacy

People in long-term relationships can have sex, but still have a fear of intimacy. Others stop having sex because of their fears. Many people live alone rather than engage intimately with others.

Fear of death increases the fear of intimacy. If you are afraid your partner may die ahead of you, you could pull away out of fear of loss.

How Do We Develop This Fear?

Emotional trauma in our childhood sets us up to feel that we aren't safe. Rejection, emotional abandonment, and physical abandonment, as well as sexual trauma and rape, can create a fear of intimacy.

As children, we may shut down emotionally and develop fantasies, imaginary friends and play better alone than with friends. We may shun others, in an effort to protect our feelings, becoming the lone wolf, or black sheep of the family.

After being hurt we feel afraid we will be hurt again. We may feel hurt, unheard and misunderstood. After being hurt in our childhood we learn to be suspicious and mistrust others when they express an interest or love for us. 

Many children are told to be quiet when they express feelings of sadness, anger or even joy. When we learn to repress feelings, it becomes a way of being, so we shut down our feelings.

What Are Signs of A Fear of Intimacy?

1. Your retreat from affection.
2. You make yourself unattractive to push your partner away.
3. You might gain weight to make yourself unattractive.
4. You say no to sex.
5. You have sex, but are completely disconnected from the emotional side of it. 
6. You may feel dead inside.
7. You may feel numb.
8. You keep your eyes closed during sex, without connecting on an intimate level with eyes open - soul-to-soul.
9. You fantasize about other people.
10. Create emotional distance by keeping things that bother you to yourself.

How Can I Overcome My Fear of Intimacy?

1. Allow yourself to be seen as you are authentically.
2. Talk about the issues that trouble you compassionately and openly.
3. Allow your eyes to remain open and really look at your
   partner while making love.
4. Do eye-gazing exercises beginning with one-minute intervals. Build up to longer periods of time, allowing your partner to
   
   really see you.
5. When you feel uncomfortable about letting down your guard, stay with it, rather than run away.
6. Allow yourself to be held, hugged and kissed.
7. Talk about the elephant in the room. When we have a fear of intimacy we stuff our biggest issues, rather than bringing them up for discussion. Resist your desire to run away. Stay with them, keep your eyes open and resist turning away during the discussion.

We may feel because of our unconscious programming that we are unworthy of love or unlovable. Many of my clients have both of these unconscious programs running in the background of their unconscious minds. These patterns can be healed.

We can stop being afraid of love and move forward anyway. We can allow ourselves to take risks, opening up to the possibility of something better and deeper than we have had before. 

I was one of those who used to have a fear of intimacy. Even though I loved sex, I wasn't connecting on a deep level with my partner. 

My past trauma both from molestation and the emotional abandonment created this fear. I played alone much of the time, creating

fantasies, playing school with imaginary students as a child. Having a caring partner who is willing to accept me for who I am has allowed me to open up more fully, receive love from him and allow myself to be seen authentically. If I can do it, so can you! 

It can be done. Let me help you.

Jennifer will be in Atlanta, Georgia at The Inner Space on Friday, June 10th and 11th.

Group Energy Clearing and Akashic Records Reading and Private sessions available on June 11th.

FREE EVENT ON SUNDAY With Adam Gates of NakedHealthy! Visit FaceBook for more information.

When we lovingly accept ourselves as we are with all our faults and flaws, we have healthy self-esteem. 

Jennifer Elizabeth Masters is the author of the forthcoming book: HAPPY HERE, HAPPY ANYWHERE, The Step-by-Step

Guide To Overcoming Depression and Anxiety Naturally. 

What Clients Are Saying About Jennifer's Work

May 26, 2016

I wanted to let you know that I am feeling absolutely wonderful spiritually and about myself! After our session yesterday I felt energized and HAPPY for the first time in years! Despite my Fibromyalgia pain, I feel light, like a huge weight has been lifted from me. It's so nice to feel like I can actually take a deep breath and breathe. Life feels happy and optimistic again (I haven't felt this way in over 10 years!). Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! 

I hope you are having a wonderful day, and I truly appreciate everything you have done for me!

Love and Light

Lauren

Are You One of 17 Million Men?

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Secrets eat away at over 17 million American men every day. One in sex men has a deep secret that never goes away no matter how hard they try. These men have kept the fact that they were molested by a priest, Boy Scout leader, parent or other person of authority. Most men don't report their abuser and rarely seek the help that they need.

Having been molested myself, I know how negatively we are affected by molestation. Molestation occurs when a person six years older or more encourages, or forces a child to participate in fondling, touching of genitals. Penetration need not occur for serious damage to the pshyche to occur. For those who are married to someone who has been molested there are signs to look for. I have experienced this also, I have the utmost compassion for those who have been molested. Please know I am here to help. Healing these issues can save your marriage.

Signs Of Molestation:

1. Bonds quickly and then pulls away for no apparent reason.
2. May reject sex and intimacy later on in the relationship seemingly for no reason.
3. Fear of intimacy.
4. Low self-esteem. Feels inadequate and lowly.
5. Guilt or shame ridden.
6. Anger that comes out of nowhere.
7. Depression.
8. Lethargy.
9. May be hypervigilant of your children.
10. Hypermasculine. Into every sport imaginable to prove their masculinity.
11. Negative.
12. Turning off emotion.
13. Has difficulty expressing vulnerability
14. Sex may be completely void of emotion or closeness.

Most men do not seek help because it means that they have to admit that they were coerced or forced to do something. It seems weak and unmanly. However, as children especially if we were raised to listen to our elders, we capitulate easily to a person in a position of authority. Fear is a large part of how children were manipulated into molestation. Threats of hurting a siblig or parent are often present. 

The first step is to get some help. Keeping these secrets hidden continues to threaten your emotional and physical health and any long-term relationship you are in.  People that have been molested often distance themselves from the person closest to them through anger or rejection of sexual and emotional intimacy.

What Can You Do Now?

Read my book; Odyssey Victim To Victory. This book details my journey from secrets and feeling inadequate, depressed and shut down, to no longer having the past define me. Visit my website and read about me. 

Set up a discovery session with me to find out if my work is a good fit for you. Healing begins with your willingness to move forward and heal the past. Pain is what drove me to seek help. When your inner pain stops you from having joy, happiness and deep love in your life, you will want to begin to heal. Ignoring these issues does not make them go away. It only keeps intimacy, closeness and real love from your life. I do hope you will get the help that you so deserve.

My new program FROM TAINTED TO TRUE LOVE will help you start your healing process.

Much Love to you,

Jennifer

Sex Addiction: The Courage To Love

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Anxiety, shame,  guilt, remorse are all feelings that surface with sex addiction. Hours are lost, relationships broken and lives slip away. Sex is the drug of choice. Any type of addiction is due to rejection of the self with self hatred figuring prominently. Sex addicts believe they are in control of their life, when they are not. No one wants to be a sex addict. There is help and light at the end of the tunnel.  

Don't feel this applies to you? Teens are becoming addicted to porn on the Internet. This is a serious issue. 

7:00 PM PST TONIGHT ON SEX AS MEDICINE

Tonight on Sex As Medicine with Devi Ward we jointly interview Paul Ginocchio, creator of the movie, "The Courage To Love." Paul's movie details the lives of four individuals who suffered from sex addiction and their stories of recovery.

There are consequences to sex addiction. Acting out can ruin relationships, cause depression and disconnection from the self, and those you love.

Addicted To Own Endorphins

Whether it is pornography, masturbation, or sex with others, sex addiction is an addiction to our own endorphins. Like a drug addict, a trance-like state is reached where nothing matters but getting needs met. Without help, sex addiction can lead to arrests, broken relationships and lost years. Cruising, looking for "Heroine in high heels," was Paul's experience.

Like An Eating Disorder

Jay Parker who was arrested finally for exposing himself to two girls, lost his job as a basketball scout, his marriage and his friends. He compared sex addiction to an eating disorder. We have to eat, it is part of life. Sex is a natural part of life. Sex addiction is a distortion, a natural urge twisted into an illness that drives you.

Numbness

An emotional numbness occurs where there is a lack of heart-connection. There is nothing joyful in sex addiction. Instead it is empty, looking to fill the void from childhood. 

Sweaty palms, hunched over and the anxiety that follows are not good feelings. The feelings of guilt, shame and darkness that surrounds sex addiction creates depression and a sense of hopelessness.

Fear of Intimacy

There may be lots of sex happening, but there is no connection. No real intimacy can exist when you are an addict. People who are addicted to sex cannot allow anyone to see their true self. They are too afraid to let anyone see the darkness that lies beneath the surface. 

Is it possible to masturbate too much? The answer is YES! If you are masturbating several times a day, you are addicted to sex.

In my personal experience sexual trauma was the cause. In over 80% of sex addiction cases, sexual trauma took place in childhood. A lack of validation from parents creates a deep void or emptiness that can't be filled. An endless desire for more, drives the sex addict. 

Recovery

Available on Amazon.com

Recovery from addiction is possible. It is far easier to find fault with others than to see our issues. Honesty, vulnerability and awareness are parts of recovery. When we are in our addiction we can't see that we need help. Self acceptance and self love is the answer. It takes courage to get help. If you are looking for help for your sex addiction or that of a loved one, listen to the show tonight. The movie, The Courage To Love is available for purchase. I watched it twice. It is poignant, and eye-opening.

Our self-esteem takes a beating when we are addicts. I know I was there once. Co-dependency is the need to be in a relationship to feel whole is an addiction. We have a tendency to look at others and say, "I don't have that issue." Compassion, understanding, and love

is the key to getting help and helping a loved one who is addicted. The search for love is what I help others with. If you are looking for love and not finding it, I can help. It begins with you. Visit my website here.  Aphroditeeffect.com

Much Love,
Jennifer