By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
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| Vera Wang Wedding Dress |
Divorce statistics are staggering. According to The Huffington Post, thirty percent of women marry the wrong guy. I was one of them.
We dream of our perfect wedding day, walking down the aisle, to marry the man we will be happy with until the day we die. Yet for thirty percent of women, they know before they walk down the aisle that they are making a terrible mistake. Why do women tie the knot anyway?
Women continue to make plans and get married for the following reasons:
- They feel marriage will magically fix any problem.
- They feel their biological clock is ticking
- Better this guy than no one.
- They feel if it doesn't work, "I can always get a divorce."
Women are unsure what they feel is true. They focus on the future, thinking things will be different, when....They explain away the red flags. The wedding plans are already in motion and they don't want to be embarrassed by calling it off. The truth is that divorce has a higher cost than a wedding both financially and emotionally even before children are present. Here are my tried and true 15 reasons not to marry the guy:
1. You have caught him in lies repeatedly. Someone who lies habitually will continue to lie after marriage. Some liars are sociopaths and never change. Lying can be addictive and something that becomes a compulsion. A marriage built without trust is not a marriage of longevity. You can't build a happy marriage without trust. People rarely change. Hoping your relationship will be different after you marry is a fantasy. What you see is what you get. End it!
2. You are marrying his potential. Marrying a guy's potential is a mistake. We can hope a guy will reach the potential we see in him, but banking on it is a mistake. By thirty a predominant part of our personality is formed in stone. In Me Myself And Us The Science of Personality And The Art of Well-Being by Brian R. Little, by the time we are thirty, we are pretty set in our ways. There is a very strong genetic component as well that contributes to who we are.
Thinking a guy will be different after marriage is delusional. Think of what you have now as the best of the best. Most people succumb to the humdrum of life and settle in, relax into the mundane of life and feel they are set now that they've got you.
3. He is terrible in bed. Selfishness in bed translates to someone who is not generous and only interested in themselves. A guy who isn't selfless in bed will continue to be so after marriage. A guy who isn't interested in pleasuring you till you orgasm before marriage is unlikely to transform after you walk down the aisle.
True story: Rachel and Wes had been dating for five years. They were engaged for one. When Rachel expressed that she wasn't getting to orgasm and that she needed more from him, Wes told her, "I'm good!" He wasn't interested in learning how to pleasure Rachel to the point of orgasm. He felt as long as he ejaculated that was enough. A guy who states he doesn't want to learn anything new, or change his skill set isn't marriage worthy. He is exhibiting a high level of selfishness and ego that won't change after marriage. END IT, SAVE THE YEARS OF MISERY.
She did! Rachel recognized that her pleasure was just as important as Wes's and it is! She ended their five year relationship because she realized Wes wouldn't change. He didn't value her enough to give her the pleasure he was getting.
4. He won't try what you suggest in bed. In spite of what some men think, women aren't just guys with vaginas. A woman's sexual needs are different than a guy's. It takes on average twenty to forty minutes for a woman to warm up to be able to orgasm. If your guy lasts two minutes and says, "I'm done," he isn't doing his job. Both parties need to receive pleasure to the point of orgasm (unless a man is holding his seed).
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5. He makes it only about himself. Narcissists can be alluring and even seductive. However, one of the most difficult relationships we can have is when partnered with a narcissist. Narcissists will not take responsibility for their actions because they believe they are never wrong. They will make you feel crazy because they manipulate to get what they want and will never apologize because they never feel they are wrong. DON'T DO IT, YOU WILL BE ENDLESSLY SORRY YOU DIDN'T END THIS NIGHTMARE BEFORE MARRIAGE.
6. His past is sketchy. If a guy won't speak about his past, consider this a huge red flag not to be ignored. A person's past often dictates their future. Morals are learned at home; if his father was a philanderer and he cheated on his ex he will probably cheat on you.
7. You had an affair with him when he was married previously. An ill-begotten relationship will end the way it began, with him cheating on you with another woman.
8. He has a different faith than you. If you believe in something and he doesn't you will have challenges throughout your relationship with issues other than faith.
9. He doesn't have a job and isn't looking. Marrying someone who isn't working or looking is a serious issue. Do you plan on doling out money and alimony after your marriage ends to continue supporting him? A man's character is evident in the way he lives his life. Choose a man who works and is responsible and self-supporting. Someone who is unemployed and irresponsible now will probably also be in the future.
10. He has anger issues that he can't control. Anger present before marriage will be present afterward. Marriage isn't the magic potion that eradicates a person's personality and issues. Anger present prior to marriage will only get worse.
I married a man who had anger issues. Each time, he promised he would be different. He punched holes in walls and sometimes in me. His father had anger issues, his brother committed murder. He was a spiritual man who tried everything to release the anger. He died an angry man.
Anger is a serious issue that doesn't go away. It takes years of committed work to heal and release anger, for others there is never any change.
11. He whines and complains. Whining is a sign of a closet homosexual or someone hiding their homosexuality. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against people choosing to play for their own team, just don't marry someone who isn't attracted to women, this will never change.
I married a man who hid his homosexuality because he was raised Baptist. He couldn't admit he was gay even to himself. After six months of marriage, he stopped having sex with me. Read my article Men Who Hide Their Homosexuality And Marry A Straight Woman.
12. He's unhappy with life. Marriage will not make someone happy that isn't. Your love won't make him any happier after you marry him. Don't do it!
I recently dated a man who was well-paid, drove a really nice car and lived in a beautiful home, but he was miserable. When I told him I was manifesting something wonderful he peed in my Cheerios. He was a naysayer who poo-pooed everything I said and did. Someone who is unhappy will make you unhappy as well.
Don't marry someone that isn't happy with himself and life. JEM
13. Your core values aren't in alignment. When our core values aren't in alignment we don't speak the same language. Marriage is difficult enough when two people are on the same page, singing the same tune. When we don't have the same core values we disagree about having and raising children, which church to go to and what our beliefs are. If you don't know what your core values are now, find out here. 5 Reasons You Need To Know Your Core Values
14. He has an addiction. Addictions are serious business. It can take a lifetime and longer for some people to decide they want to be clean. Addictions are dark with a deep-seated self-hatred. People who hate themselves are very difficult to have relationships with. The expression, "Once an Addict Always An Addict," came from the truth that addictions can last longer than a lifetime.
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I have heard countless women tell me, "He's not an alcoholic he only drinks beer!" I have a neighbor who only drinks beer, but drinks sixteen tall boys a night. It doesn't matter if his addiction is pot, acid, porn, masturbation, cocaine, heroin, beer, wine or hard alcohol.
An addiction is an addiction. It takes many years of dedication, courage, hard work, and stick-to-iveness to overcome any addiction. Once an addict is clean the anger and emotions are the next biggest challenge. A rejection of the self and lack of self-love is the core of any addiction. Your love can't cure him. Set him free and work on your issues of enabling instead.
15. You are fighting often before marriage. Thinking someone will be different and more to your liking after marriage is a fantasy. Where else are you in denial about the truth? Marriage doesn't make a relationship easier, it is often much more difficult after you tie the knot than before.
Marriage isn't a magic potion. Marriage is a certificate on paper that makes it legal for you to be together, that is all. In many instances as soon as the wedding is over couples recognize they have made a terrible mistake. When brides focus on the wedding, they forget what the marriage is beyond the one day of bliss. A wedding lasts one day, a marriage can be for years and a lifetime if you are really lucky and work diligently on your issues, growing together.
A marriage doesn't mean the work is over, in fact the hardest part is yet to come. Once you hit the two-year mark people settle into being more authentic. Often the masks come off an one or both are shocked to find they married someone they didn't know at all.
Are you searching for happiness? Jennifer is your personal empowerment and REALATIONATIONSHIP coach that empowers, cheers and guides you to be the best you that you can be! When you are authentic, living in your power and mastery, happiness flows!
Jennifer Elizabeth Masters is a wise and soulful healer, coach and hypnotherapist, who sees the root of people's issues and empowers her clients to grow, expand and be their authentic selves to live happier and more fulfilling lives. She assists clients in relationships, happiness, and dating issues helping her clients business make healthy decisions that make sense and are for their highest and best good. Ask her a question or choose to be empowered by setting up your free discovery session to live a guilt-shame free life of joy.
