By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
Couples often feel that working on the relationship is of utmost importance, but leave sex out of the equation. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. If sex takes a back seat, communication becomes an issue. Men need to have sex to feel intimate while women need intimacy to have sex.
In our relationships, we sometimes get into a contest of wills. Our egos get in the way of true loving heart-centered connection. Sex is the fastest way to dissipate negativity and disconnection. When sex becomes an occasional activity, tempers flare and resentment builds. When sex is not happening often enough, one or both of the parties may begin to notice other people. When flirting becomes serious affairs can result. Even if it is an affair of the heart, sending your energy in another direction is destructive. Recovering from an affair takes courage - commitment to work on the relationship as well as not being concerned what others think. Often we give up all too soon because we think that is what we should do. Society dictates our sex lives, and the roles we play in our relationships far too frequently.
Reasons Women Stop Having Sex
- Women sometimes get angry with their husbands and can use sex as a weapon. Sex can be the way women get their point across - this is clearly manipulation - however it happens. If a man continues to disrespect, abuse or mistreat toxic communication can result. Using sex as a weapon is
destructive. Sometimes, sex is used to control another. Often we are not even aware of what we are doing. A gentle discussion, rather than finger pointing will net you the result you are seeking: love and more pleasure.
- As women get older their hormones dip and their vaginal walls and tissue become tender, dry and fragile. The longer women go without sex, the lower their hormones drop and it becomes a vicious cycle. Less sex, the less women want it. If we don't use it, we lose it. The moral of the story is keep having sex REGULARLY (once a week or at the very least once every two weeks). Sex that occurs once a month or less is putting your partner on a starvation diet. They will most likely feel unloved, unworthy and underappreciated.
- Sex after menopause can hurt. Especially if there has been a long period of celibacy. After a month, desire drops, vaginal walls become thinner and more fragile causing pain during sex. Dyspareunia is the medical term for painful intercourse. This is not to be ignored. Having sex before you are properly lubricated, is not pleasant. Even with lubrication when vaginal atrophy occurs, bio-identical hormones or herbs can help. Estradiol is a relatively safe hormone to insert into the vagina and can be used for a short time to alleviate this discomfort.
- When women are not fully aroused when they are penetrated, the muscles can tense up causing painful sex. The more a man tries to push forward, the more tense the vaginal muscles become. The key is having a partner that cares enough to be tender and gentle with his wife/girlfriend. Slow down, take your time. Do another activity, like oral or clitoral stimulation instead, till you are more comfortable.
- Women need to be romanced, made love to all day long. We need to be told we are beautiful, that we smell good and look terrific. We need to be loved, accepted and respected. If a
relationship has been abusive - this will chip away at trust and love. When women are afraid of being hurt, it is natural to not want sex with their partner. Trust is one of the most important factors that needs to be present for deep intimacy and great sex. Without it, desire dwindles. We won’t make love to you if we are angry and you have not apologized. We won’t make love to you if you told us dinner sucked, or was too salty. We are emotional creatures. When our feelings are hurt, women won’t want sex. Women are wired differently than men.
- As women get older they become fed up with lackluster sex, not enough foreplay or their husbands (or partners) finishing before they orgasm. This can cause resentment, anger and rejection of their husbands’ advances. Men need to learn how to please their partners - most women need 20 - 40 minutes of stimulation to have an orgasm. With quickies - it is like an appetizer and no meal to follow, it leaves you wanting more. When you don't get it (orgasm) most of the time, women
become frustrated and resentful. Which can cause women to just say, "HELL NO!" (Believe me I have been there.)
- Hormones or lack of them can produce low sex drive. Without enough estradiol in our system after menopause women's desire drops to zero. Bioidentical hormones - or hormone replacement therapy can alleviate this problem. The issue with this is, that most women have so little desire to have sex, why would they bother taking medication to alleviate a problem that they are apathetic about in the first place - especially if there are risks involved - like cervical or breast cancer? There are natural alternatives that I have found helpful. Irwin Naturals is Steel Libido taken daily is my favorite, it works great! It is available at the Vitamin Shoppe, GNC and online. There is also a men's version, I hear is terrific as well. I recommend using natural products whenever possible.
- Women can become disenchanted with pleasuring their partners without getting the same pleasure in return. 80% of women fake orgasms. After 20 years - enough is enough. Many women just stop wanting to have sex, if they aren’t being satisfied consistently. I have to say, I was one of them. Hence the book, Orgasm For Life!
- The majority of women don’t know what they like, which makes it very difficult to get what they want. The better a woman knows her own body - the better she can ask for what she wants. Self-pleasuring of her own body assists in communicating what she needs.
- Many women clam up in the bedroom. They may be able to pick the restaurant they want to eat at or the movie they want to see, but they rarely tell their men “a little to the left, honey!” Some women are quite confident and able to ask for what they
want - many confident women, however, do not for fear of hurting their man's ego. Knowing his self esteem is riding on his egoic thought that he is a good, if not a great lover causes many women to put up with what they have. Most men do not know what women want and need. It is a rare man that can play his wife’s body like an instrument. If you can, I want to hear from you, what you have found works and what doesn't. Some women have the courage to tell their men what they want and their men either get angry, upset or shut down. Still others ignore what their partner says and think they know better. No one knows a woman's body, like the woman herself. It takes a real man to be able to ask her and pleasure her the way she wants or needs.
- Many women are running programs from childhood in their heads about what good girls do and don’t do. Shame and guilt even when married can still be an issue.
- 1 out of 3 girls will be molested in childhood. 1 in 5 will be raped or sexually assaulted. These women are often sexually dysfunctional as adults. This is not a medical condition, meaning there is nothing PHYSICALLY wrong with them. The dysfunction is of an emotional nature = and fear is trapped in the cells of the vaginal walls. Healing of the emotional trauma needs to happen along with physical releasing of the energy in the vagina, tops of the legs and g-spot. 40% of women are considered sexually dysfunctional. This is a HUGE issue. Read about healing sexual dysfunction in my book, Orgasm For Life.
- Chemistry plays a large part in women not wanting to have sex. If the thyroid is underactive, or there is not enough cholesterol in the body, or other blood chemistry is out of balance, orgasm may elude her.
- When an emotion is repressed - whether it is sadness, grief, unhappiness or anger, sexual dysfunction can result. Many women have repressed their emotions for years and as a result are unable to orgasm. You can tell this is an issue as they will be extremely reactive emotionally. This indicates stuffed/blocked emotions. This is an issue I clear for my clients, painlessly.
- Women need to have a deep level of trust with their partner to relax and have great sex. If there has been betrayal, women won’t trust their men. If a woman is afraid of her partner orgasm can be difficult. Trust is important no matter how long we have been married.
There are lots of remedies for lackluster sex. Instruction, understanding, love and compassion. Communication is often lost after a couple has been married a long time. Once children have flown the nest communication may be stilted, rather than easy and open putting sex on the back burner.
Hormones, more direct and longer-lasting foreplay can change a woman's experience so that she is able to let go and achieve orgasm. Sexual healing as a part of emotional coaching and inner child work can heal the past trauma and release the old programming.
Feeling alone, lonely or unloved? Are you sick and tired of being the alpha in your relationship? Are you tired of attracting partners who don't appreciate you or cheat on you? Is your husband better to his mother than he is to you? If you are ready to have the love-life you have always dreamed and know you deserve, contact Jennifer Elizabeth Masters here.
