15 Reasons Not To Walk Down The Aisle With Him

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Vera Wang Wedding Dress

Divorce statistics are staggering. According to The Huffington Post, thirty percent of women marry the wrong guy. I was one of them. 

We dream of our perfect wedding day, walking down the aisle, to marry the man we will be happy with until the day we die. Yet for thirty percent of women, they know before they walk down the aisle that they are making a terrible mistake. Why do women tie the knot anyway?

Women continue to make plans and get married for the following reasons:

• They feel marriage will magically fix any problem.
• They feel their biological clock is ticking
• Better this guy than no one.
• They feel if it doesn't work, "I can always get a divorce."

Women are unsure what they feel is true. They focus on the future, thinking things will be different, when....They explain away the red flags. The wedding plans are already in motion and they don't want to be embarrassed by calling it off. The truth is that divorce has a higher cost than a wedding both financially and emotionally even before children are present. Here are my tried and true 15 reasons not to marry the guy:

1. You have caught him in lies repeatedly. Someone who lies habitually will continue to lie after marriage. Some liars are sociopaths and never change. Lying can be addictive and something that becomes a compulsion. A marriage built without trust is not a marriage of longevity. You can't build a happy marriage without trust. People rarely change. Hoping your relationship will be different after you marry is a fantasy. What you see is what you get. End it!

2. You are marrying his potential. Marrying a guy's potential is a mistake. We can hope a guy will reach the potential we see in him, but banking on it is a mistake. By thirty a predominant part of our personality is formed in stone. In Me Myself And Us The Science of Personality And The Art of Well-Being   by Brian R. Little, by the time we are thirty, we are pretty set in our ways. There is a very strong genetic component as well that contributes to who we are. 

Thinking a guy will be different after marriage is delusional. Think of what you have now as the best of the best. Most people succumb to the humdrum of life and settle in, relax into the mundane of life and feel they are set now that they've got you.

3. He is terrible in bed. Selfishness in bed translates to someone who is not generous and only interested in themselves. A guy who isn't selfless in bed will continue to be so after marriage. A guy who isn't interested in pleasuring you till you orgasm before marriage is unlikely to transform after you walk down the aisle. 

True story: Rachel and Wes had been dating for five years. They were engaged for one. When Rachel expressed that she wasn't getting to orgasm and that she needed more from him, Wes told her, "I'm good!" He wasn't interested in learning how to pleasure Rachel to the point of orgasm. He felt as long as he ejaculated that was enough. A guy who states he doesn't want to learn anything new, or change his skill set isn't marriage worthy. He is exhibiting a high level of selfishness and ego that won't change after marriage. END IT, SAVE THE YEARS OF MISERY.  

She did! Rachel recognized that her pleasure was just as important as Wes's and it is! She ended their five year relationship because she realized Wes wouldn't change. He didn't value her enough to give her the pleasure he was getting.

4. He won't try what you suggest in bed. In spite of what some men think, women aren't just guys with vaginas. A woman's sexual needs are different than a guy's. It takes on average twenty to forty minutes for a woman to warm up to be able to orgasm. If your guy lasts two minutes and says, "I'm done," he isn't doing his job. Both parties need to receive pleasure to the point of orgasm (unless a man is holding his seed).

Are Men Getting The Most Pleasure In Bed?

5. He makes it only about himself. Narcissists can be alluring and even seductive. However, one of the most difficult relationships we can have is when partnered with a narcissist. Narcissists will not take responsibility for their actions because they believe they are never wrong. They will make you feel crazy because they manipulate to get what they want and will never apologize because they never feel they are wrong. DON'T DO IT, YOU WILL BE ENDLESSLY SORRY YOU DIDN'T END THIS NIGHTMARE BEFORE MARRIAGE.

6. His past is sketchy. If a guy won't speak about his past, consider this a huge red flag not to be ignored. A person's past often dictates their future. Morals are learned at home; if his father was a philanderer and he cheated on his ex he will probably cheat on you.

7. You had an affair with him when he was married previously. An ill-begotten relationship will end the way it began, with him cheating on you with another woman. 

8. He has a different faith than you. If you believe in something and he doesn't you will have challenges throughout your relationship with issues other than faith. 

9. He doesn't have a job and isn't looking. Marrying someone who isn't working or looking is a serious issue. Do you plan on doling out money and alimony after your marriage ends to continue supporting him? A man's character is evident in the way he lives his life. Choose a man who works and is responsible and self-supporting. Someone who is unemployed and irresponsible now will probably also be in the future. 

10. He has anger issues that he can't control. Anger present before marriage will be present afterward. Marriage isn't the magic potion that eradicates a person's personality and issues. Anger present prior to marriage will only get worse. 

I married a man who had anger issues. Each time, he promised he would be different. He punched holes in walls and sometimes in me. His father had anger issues, his brother committed murder. He was a spiritual man who tried everything to release the anger. He died an angry man. 

Anger is a serious issue that doesn't go away. It takes years of committed work to heal and release anger, for others there is never any change.

11. He whines and complains. Whining is a sign of a closet homosexual or someone hiding their homosexuality. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against people choosing to play for their own team, just don't marry someone who isn't attracted to women, this will never change. 

I married a man who hid his homosexuality because he was raised Baptist. He couldn't admit he was gay even to himself. After six months of marriage, he stopped having sex with me. Read my article Men Who Hide Their Homosexuality And Marry A Straight Woman. 

12. He's unhappy with life. Marriage will not make someone happy that isn't. Your love won't make him any happier after you marry him. Don't do it!

I recently dated a man who was well-paid, drove a really nice car and lived in a beautiful home, but he was miserable. When I told him I was manifesting something wonderful he peed in my Cheerios. He was a naysayer who poo-pooed everything I said and did. Someone who is unhappy will make you unhappy as well. 

Don't marry someone that isn't happy with himself and life. JEM

13. Your core values aren't in alignment. When our core values aren't in alignment we don't speak the same language. Marriage is difficult enough when two people are on the same page, singing the same tune. When we don't have the same core values we disagree about having and raising children, which church to go to and what our beliefs are. If you don't know what your core values are now, find out here.  5 Reasons You Need To Know Your Core Values

14. He has an addiction. Addictions are serious business. It can take a lifetime and longer for some people to decide they want to be clean. Addictions are dark with a deep-seated self-hatred. People who hate themselves are very difficult to have relationships with. The expression, "Once an Addict Always An Addict," came from the truth that addictions can last longer than a lifetime. 

Why You Shouldn't Do Cartwheels To Keep Someone

I have heard countless women tell me, "He's not an alcoholic he only drinks beer!" I have a neighbor who only drinks beer, but drinks sixteen tall boys a night. It doesn't matter if his addiction is pot, acid, porn, masturbation, cocaine, heroin, beer, wine or hard alcohol. 

An addiction is an addiction. It takes many years of dedication, courage, hard work, and stick-to-iveness to overcome any addiction. Once an addict is clean the anger and emotions are the next biggest challenge. A rejection of the self and lack of self-love is the core of any addiction. Your love can't cure him. Set him free and work on your issues of enabling instead. 

15. You are fighting often before marriage. Thinking someone will be different and more to your liking after marriage is a fantasy. Where else are you in denial about the truth? Marriage doesn't make a relationship easier, it is often much more difficult after you tie the knot than before. 

Marriage isn't a magic potion. Marriage is a certificate on paper that makes it legal for you to be together, that is all. In many instances as soon as the wedding is over couples recognize they have made a terrible mistake. When brides focus on the wedding, they forget what the marriage is beyond the one day of bliss. A wedding lasts one day, a marriage can be for years and a lifetime if you are really lucky and work diligently on your issues, growing together. 

A marriage doesn't mean the work is over, in fact the hardest part is yet to come. Once you hit the two-year mark people settle into being more authentic. Often the masks come off an one or both are shocked to find they married someone they didn't know at all. 

Are you searching for happiness? Jennifer is your personal empowerment and REALATIONATIONSHIP coach that empowers, cheers and guides you to be the best you that you can be! When you are authentic, living in your power and mastery, happiness flows!

Jennifer Elizabeth Masters  is a wise and soulful healer, coach and hypnotherapist, who sees the root of people's issues and empowers her clients to grow, expand and be their authentic selves to live happier and more fulfilling lives. She assists clients in relationships, happiness, and dating issues helping her clients business make healthy decisions that make sense and are for their highest and best good. Ask her a question or choose to be empowered by setting up your free discovery session to live a guilt-shame free life of joy. 

10 Rules For Dating That Keep You From Experiencing Guilt

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Each of us has a moral compass. We also have our personal sense of what feels good and what doesn't. Keeping both of these in perspective will keep you feeling positive, happy and empowered while dating. 

When we ignore our moral compass we get into trouble feeling guilt or even shame. Dating needs to be fun. When it ceases to be, there is something wrong and you need to pay attention to the warning signs.

1. It only takes 15-minutes to tell if you have chemistry. A Match.com survey found that thirty-one percent felt it is best to be honest and politely tell your date that it won't work, 12% would leave before the night was over. If you aren't interested, be kind and don't waste each other's time. Spending time with someone you aren't interested in leads to guilt. Avoid the guilt and speak your truth.

2. Be honest. If you aren't enjoying your date, say so. It is better to rip the band-aid off rather than spend an evening wishing you were somewhere else. 52% of the surveyed participants felt it was best to tell your date you aren't interested. I agree. Be kind. Put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel if the tables were turned. Honesty is still the best policy. Lying about anything leads to guilt. Guilt is one of the lowest vibrations that we can experience. You will have a clear conscience and sleep better at night when you are honest.

3. It's okay for a woman to pay on a first date. Women feel empowered and in control when they pay at the end of the first date whether he asked her or not. When a woman pays at the end of the first date she also feels she doesn't owe her date anything, which is also a good thing - leaving you guiltless.

4. Be yourself. We all want to be loved, but if the person you are dating falls in love with a person you pretend to be, they will be disappointed when the real you begins to show up. The more authentic you are, the better. Authenticity makes you happier. When you are happier, your partner will be also. Be you. There is no one else like you.

5. Take it slow. The world isn't going to end tomorrow. This new person may be the cat's meow, spending time alone and with your friends rather than every waking moment with your new love helps to keep the excitement alive. Too much too soon kills a new relationship. Too hot too fast means a fast burn out. Keep the mystery alive and take time for yourself, clean your apartment and your litter box. You have time.

6. Spend time with your friends. Giving up friends for a relationship is always a bad idea. If you make plans with friends, don't ice them if a better offer with your new love shows up. Friends will be there long after the relationship ends. They will be there to talk through your first arguments and help you through your breakups. Relationships work better when you have time apart; you are much more interesting than when you are too available.

7. Be polite. Leave your cell phone in your car, or turn it off. Checking your cell phone when you are on a date with someone is rude. Unless your house is burning down or your child is on their way to the hospital there is no need to check your cell phone, it's just plain impolite. 

8. Wait to add them as a friend on social media. You don't know where this is going. Until you have been dating six months or more, don't add them on FaceBook. I can't tell you how many horror stories I have heard about FB stocking when someone was added too soon. Until you are an item for sure, keep them off your social media. Keeping your dating face to face, rather than on social media makes it much cleaner if you have to end the relationship.

9. Don't have sex on the first date. Add a little mystery and leave him wanting you. Sex is an intimate expression requiring closeness. Ground rules haven't been established so soon in the game. You need to have a discussion about pregnancy, protection or STDs. Questions need to be asked before sex occurs. 

Unfortunately, we still have a double standard in our society. Men are considered studs and women are easy when sex happens too soon. Sex on a first date often leaves a woman feeling disrespected, ashamed for not holding back then the guilt comes rolling in like a tidal wave for good measure. Save yourself the pain and allow the excitement and mystery to build. You are worthy. You don't have to give it away to keep someone, it actually works in reverse. 

You don't think about pregnancy when you are in the throws of passion. However, 1,604,870 unmarried women got pregnant  aged 15-44 in 2014 according to the CDC study done in the US. 

10. Use the phone to follow-up after a date. Women like to follow up the next day. Most guys play it cool and like to wait three days before a text or follow-up phone call. The old-fashioned method (phone) is the best way to follow up after a date. Voice, intonation, and expression can be misconstrued via text when you barely know each other. Keep texting to a minimum until you have been dating a few weeks.

Are you ready to find happiness and love? Are you certain that your life can be better, happier and more fulfilling but you don't know how to get out of your way? 

E-mail Jennifer for a private discovery session to find out if her work is a good fit for you. Jennifer works with women to build confidence, healthy boundaries, self-esteem and step into their innate power. 

Find Jennifer's books on Amazon. 

Jennifer is the author of the forthcoming book:

Happy Here, Happy Anywhere

The Guide For Overcoming Anxiety, Depression and Unhappiness Without A Prescription!

Jennifer is both a healer and a love and passion coach. She empowers women to be the strong, powerful confident women they truly are, helping them find joy and love within so that life becomes a moving meditation filled with bliss, fun and happiness.

The Policy Of Truth

by Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Truth is the quality or state of being true. Truth encompasses integrity, character, honor. Telling the truth is a refusal to lie. What about half-truths? What about white lies? Are they just lies disguised as niceties? Is it okay to lie about your age?

While in Atlanta, I had a discussion with a group of women about the subject of telling the truth. The higher our vibration becomes, the less we lie. We are held to a higher standard as we become awakened. The more honest we are, the better we feel. Dishonesty affects our self-esteem. Honesty is a sign of strong character. 

Telling the truth consistently and speaking your truth are two components of authenticity that speak volumes about who you are. 

Parents lie to their children then wonder why their children lie to them? Adults lie to their peers and receive the same in return. What we send out we get right back. We see our president blatantly lie, politicians also lie for him. 


Question: Is it okay to tell your child that a parent abandoned you? Or is it better to tell your child a made-up story about why the parent isn't around, like that they died when they didn't? 

Answer:  Never lie to your child to cover up the truth. Energetically, your child knows at a soul level that they were lied to. The second reason you want to be honest is that you teach your child lying is okay by modeling bad behavior.

Does This Dress Make My Ass Look Fat?

The subject came up while dining in a restaurant. What do you say to someone when they ask if an outfit makes them look fat? What if the answer is, "Yes, it does?" We can respond compassionately to this question by saying, "I have seen you look better in other outfits." We are not lying, but also not hurting the other person's feelings.

I have not been able to lie for over three years. When I make a statement if it is not completely true, I am Guided by a question from my High Self, "Is that completely true?" Or sometimes, I hear, "Are you sure you don't want to change that response?" Other times, it is like a pregnant pause and more of a feeling. The end result is that I cannot lie. I have to tell the complete truth.

Lying About Your Age on A Profile

A friend of mine told me today, "Everybody lies about their age." I don't agree with that statement. I don't lie. I don't lie about my age. I don't lie about the number of times I have been married. I don't lie about anything. I know others that don't. When I posted my profile, I was honest about my age. 

A fellow practitioner recently asked me what I would say to a client that began to date a man from a dating site and lied about her age on her profile. She was youthful and radiant even though she was in her seventies. She didn't say she was one or two years younger. She stated that her age was twenty years younger than her chronological age. The man she met began to fall for her. "What should she do?" was the question the practitioner asked me. 

My response is always, "Tell the truth!"

Why Should You Tell The Truth?

A relationship based on a lie will never work. When mistrust is the foundation, there can never be trust. Even if you never come clean about the lie, the undercurrent you emit is negative. Whatever you send out comes back to you. If you lie, others will lie to you. If you cheat, others will cheat on you. If you lie about your age on a dating site, someone will lie to you also. Honesty is always the best policy.

We can also lie to ourselves. We lie about how happy we are. We lie about our relationships. Asking questions and going within will help. Lying to oneself is denial, not the river in Egypt.

Lying Is A Low Vibration

Lying lowers your vibration. You attract what you are. If you lie, you are a liar. Through the law of attraction, you will attract others that lie also. 

Liars, cheaters, and abusers have a low vibration. Dating a married man is cheating. You are cheating by taking someone else's partner. 

If you say that you have been faithful, but send texts to other women or men that are suggestive, you may as well be cheating. Your vibration suggests that you are. Cheating involves betrayal and rejection, both of which leave the other person broken and wounded. Flirtatious texts make you unfaithful in your heart. If you want to have sex with another person, be honest; get a divorce, breakup, but don't cheat or lie.

10 Rules For Dating That Keep You From Experiencing Guilt

Honesty Is A Higher Vibration

Being honest carries an upward or rising energy. Your vibration rises by being consistently honest. When you stop telling all lies you become a person of strong moral character. People will trust you. Your vibration attracts others with a higher vibration. You feel better when you are a person with strong character. Your self-esteem rises as your character becomes stronger.

The best policy is the policy of truth.

Contact Jennifer for your discovery session to find out if her work is a good fit for you. 

When we lovingly accept ourselves as we are with all our faults

and flaws, we have healthy self-esteem. 

Jennifer Elizabeth Masters is the author of the forthcoming book: HAPPY HERE, HAPPY ANYWHERE The Step-by-Step Guide to Overcoming Anxiety, Depression, and Unhappiness Without a Prescription!


Find Jennifer's books on Amazon.

Visit Jennifer's Aphrodite Effect website

Want To Get The Most Out Of Your Dating Experience?

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Dating today can be confusing. There are more than 5,000 dating sites worldwide and 2,500 dating sites in the U.S. alone. The sites that are considered major have millions of members. OK Cupid, e-Harmony.com, and Match.com. have millions of members and are located in the United States. Plenty of Fish is located outside of the U.S. and also has millions of members. 

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Even if you read reviews, you can be confused about which site is best for you. I prefer a site that speaks of who you are, in my case MeetMindful.com or Soulful Match where you don't have to explain what being Spiritual means. A site that represents you well can save you a lot of aggravation and time. Dating requires an investment of time and energy. You are investing in yourself and the potential of a relationship. Give yourself time to write your profile honestly. If you work 100 hours a week, you don't have time to date.

Anything worth having requires time and energy. Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

People date for different reasons. Knowing what your intention is for dating will help to give you the best results. If you just want a casual date and casual sex, there are plenty of people who will match your criteria. If a relationship and marriage are what you are looking for, don't be afraid to state the truth on your profile.  If you want to have children say so! 

How Far Is Too Far?

Decide how far you would drive twice a week to meet someone for a date. Think about the reality of long-distance before you begin looking for a dating partner out of your town. Would you relocate if things get serious? Will you want to drive an hour and a half several times a week, or more to see this new person?

If you are looking to get over an ex, dating needs to be put on the backburner. It isn't fair to you or another person to date when you are still holding a flame for your last love. Several of my clients found that what they attracted when they dated too soon was more heartbreak and disappointment. Allow yourself the time you need to heal before dating. Here are mindful practices to give you the best results for your dating investment.

1. Be upbeat and open. Pre-judging someone can mean you overlook an excellent match because you didn't allow time to get to know them well. You can't possibly know anyone from one date. 
2. Be aware. Dating another person is as much about you as it is about them. Notice how you feel when with your prospective partner. Do you feel lacking? Do you feel comfortable and confident? Do you feel small, inadequate or out of place? Is there an undercurrent of something awkward or out of place? Do you feel uneasy with them? Uneasiness could be an intuitive feeling. Ignoring an internal warning is a caution light for you. Pay attention to your feelings. Trust your gut. Do their words and actions match? Be watchful of how you feel after your date. 
3. Notice but don't judge. Everyone has a history. If your date lets you know, they are in recovery; that's a good thing. It shows honesty and a sense of vulnerability which is a sign they are aware of their process and working on themselves. 
4. Be yourself! Authenticity attracts authenticity. The more comfortable being you that you are, the more your date will show you about themselves.
5. Avoid talking about exes. There is plenty to talk about when getting to know someone new. Leave discussions about who cheated on you and hurt you out. Complaining about a past partner shows that you or your date are not over it. Someone who complains will very soon be complaining about you.
6. Have fun. Dating can be very exciting. The newness of dating needs to be respected, treated as a precious new beginning. Enjoy this new person's company. Enjoy dining in new and different places. Dating is an adventure, not a chore. We never know when we begin what we are meant to learn from the experience. Don't think that each person is going to be THE ONE. Let go of attachment to the outcome and just enjoy the ride!
7. Think outside the box! If you have always dated a particular type, expand your horizons. Broaden your age range. Date people you wouldn't in the past. See people from different fields. Your prospective partner doesn't need to do the same work as you. You might find that you still have commonalities in other areas. 
8. Be compassionate. Getting to know someone new can lead to nervousness, worry about what the other thinks or feels about you. When you both share stories about life put yourself in the other person's shoes rather than being quick to judge. Imagine how you would feel if you had their experience. Compassion brings your heart into the dating process. 
9. Be kind. Kindness is reciprocal. Give what you want in return. Everyone enjoys loving kindness, respect, and appreciation. 
10. Take things slow. Getting to know someone takes time. Trying to rush into a relationship before you know each other could lead to disastrous results. Take time talking without drugs and alcohol. If every date becomes a drink fest, you might not be seeing the truth.
11.  Put sex off until you know you like and are compatible together. Sex too soon clouds your mind with a flush of hormones that make you bond and feel "In love" when it is the oxytocin talking. Sex on a first date will make your date a hook-up rather than an opportunity for something greater and more meaningful.
12. Be honest. If you don't care to discuss something just yet, say so. It's okay to shelve a discussion for later in the dating process if you aren't quite ready. Don't lie about your age, income or lifestyle to just "get someone." Treat others kindly and you can't go wrong!

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Getting The Most Out Of Your Dating Experience

A Love That Lasts

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Orgasm For Life: Orgasmic Bliss

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Excerpt from Orgasm For Life

Communicating Through Our Heart

How we communicate our desires to our partners can make or break a relationship. Through careful, compassionate communication, both partners  create deeper intimacy. Feeling a deep sense of connection, while teaching each other sexual preferences, through your sexual expression creates a more connected relationship. 

Connecting your heart with your genitals shifts pure sex to an expression of tenderness and love. Rather than mechanical sex focused on technique, a sense of presence with connection during your love-making, shifts your relationship from that of spouses, or partners, to lovers. This deeper connection can enhance your orgasm while lifting sex into new spiritual realms. To do this close your eyes and envision your sexual energy in your genitals, envision this energy moving upwards and into your heart. 

You may have to repeat the exercise several times to get the hang of it. To assist you, have your partner touch your genitals and then move their hand up to your heart, tracing the energy path with their hand. Holding it there for a few seconds till you feel it in your heart center. You can also move the energy from your genitals to your heart by placing your right hand on the center of your chest, your left hand on your genitals, slowing your breathing down and envisioning the energy moving up to the middle of your chest. 

Love-making is not an experience that just happens in the bedroom. You can make love throughout the day, via text, a hug, squeeze of your partner’s hand, or even a kiss out of the blue on the back of their neck. To separate your connection of love-making from the rest of your life downplays your bond. Having deep fulfilling hugs, with meaningful touches throughout the day lets the other person know you care about them and appreciate them at other times, not just when you want sex. 

Close Encounters Of The Non-Sexual Kind

Touch that occurs apart from the bedroom shows your partner they mean a lot to you. You can say a great deal without speaking, through meaningful glances and passionate touch. We are all about the sexual experience. Here, however, I would be remiss if I did not express that non-sexual touching will win more brownie points than a smack across the ass, or a boob grab during the day. Those grab-and-go touches can cause annoyance or undermine your partner’s self-respect. Playfulness has its place and can be fun. Make sure you are being respectful, by understanding your partner’s innate desires.

Orgasmic Bliss

Deepening intimacy through total transparency and honesty, with open accurate communication will bring you closer when it happens outside the bedroom. Without a deep connection on the spiritual plane, sex is merely banging body parts together. Sex becomes an empty physical exchange, of lower level recreation or sport, rather than one of a higher mind-body-spiritual connection. 

When you can put aside all differences, then come together with the purpose of mutual pleasure, free of ego, our worlds collide with blissful exchange unknown up until now. Then, the higher planes of sexual, spiritual love begin to come into view. This is the place of orgasmic bliss.

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7 Ways to Shift Your Relationship Quickly

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

When we are dating, we often overlook the negative. We might brush issues we need to comment on under the carpet because we don't want to ruin what we believe we have. At the beginning of a relationship, we lay the groundwork for boundaries, communication, and appreciation. We teach the person we are dating how we want to be treated by being kind, generous and considerate to them. When we don't call someone on their bad behavior, we are doing ourselves a disservice. We are also training our partner that poor treatment is okay with us. This is where abusive treatment begins. 

As time goes on, the bad behavior often goes from bad to worse. Things are usually the best early on in our relationships because each of us is on our best behavior. If you are not setting up healthy boundaries when you are dating, it will become increasingly difficult to do it later. 

In mature relationships, we sometimes snap, gripe and complain to our partners. We can use a condescending tone when we get irritated. We can make demands rather than requests. When we demand, we block love. When we use a condescending tone, as if we are exasperated with our partner, we are acting like the parent, rather than an equal. 

Communication Inside The Bedroom

Trying to get your needs met in the bedroom can be very difficult if you don't have an open channel of honesty. Compassion, and appreciation go a long way to show our partner kindness. However, if they don't get what you need and you aren't getting your needs met, a conversation needs to take place BEFORE you get into the bedroom. 

Following are 7 Ways To Shift Your Relationship Quickly

1. Appreciate him/her when your partner does something for you. Say, "Thank you." Smile and make eye contact to show you mean it. Appreciation is one of the most important issues to men. If they are not being appreciated they will feel unloved.
2. Be respectful. Giving your partner the respect they deserve will shift your relationship quickly. If you talk down to your partner or they talk down to you, you won't feel respected. Mutual respect is a requirement of a happy and healthy balanced relationship.
3. Validate them. If your partner isn't feeling well, or is having a bad day, they need to be validated for their feelings. Saying, "I'm sorry you are having a bad day today, is there anything I can do to help you feel better?" Usually, they will say no or maybe ask for a hug. The most important issue is that you have validated their feelings. Telling someone they can't or shouldn't feel a certain way will lead to feeling unimportant and even angry.
4. Touch your partner in non-sexual ways. There are times when we need to be hugged, have our shoulder touched or even our hand held to know we are loved from more than being a sexual partner. Non-sexual touching keeps intimacy alive in the relationship. For you men out there than think intimacy means sex, it doesn't. Emotional closeness is what intimacy is. Allowing the other person close to you at others times than when sex is occurring will show that they are loved.
5. Make loving eye contact. In today's fast-paced world, many people rarely look each other in the eyes. Take the time to look at your lover in the eyes when you speak to them. Eye contact allows another to see into your soul. If you can't allow them in, you won't have close sexual intimacy either.
6. Be honest. Honesty is important if you want to have a deep connection. Lies create distance. Allowing another to hear the truth may hurt at first, but over time, your relationship will deepen and become more connected if you don't have lies and distance between you. 
7. Be authentic. Pretending to be something you are not, or faking anything (even that you like football when you don't) creates a disconnect. You will not have deep intimacy and connection if you are not allowing your partner to see the real you.

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The Lies We Tell Ourselves

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Lies in a relationship create distance and disconnection. When we lie to ourselves (denial) we create disconnection between ourselves and our soul. Real growth only comes when we let go of our inner denial and face the whole truth of who we are.

We lie to ourselves about the food we eat, our health, or lack of it, weight, the people we marry or date and the way we really feel about our lives and ourselves. We lie to ourselves when we say no to sex with our partner, making up excuses for not wanting intimacy. We lie about the transactional aspect of sex. We often manipulate our partners through sex, in an attempt to get what we want. We lie to ourselves, by faking an orgasm, thinking that it is easier this way. It makes our partner feel better. All these forms of lying create disconnection and distance from yourself and your partner. 

Unless you have worked diligently to dig down and find all the ways you lie to yourselves you might disagree with most of my previous statements. That's okay, if you don't want to grow evolve and move out of your misery. The other side of misery is happiness and joy. The truth is, some people never venture beyond their pain and suffering, because it seems just too difficult. Sometimes, we prefer to believe the lie than be brutally honest with ourselves, because the truth is often very painful. Remember we don't have to stay in pain - we can move forward and through it. On the other side of pain is growth, and happiness. 

Staying in pain is suffering. Sometimes we are too afraid to go it alone, which is where we need a coach to encourage us and help us see all sides of an issue. A coach who has healed can be a great catalyst for growth and change. When we are stuck in fear and mired in our issues, we need someone to be our personal cheerleader, our confidant, our backhoe, that has the power and the skill to pull us up and out.

It is painful to recognize that the week our husband was on a business trip, that he was having an affair. It is painful to recognize that your wife of 30 years has decided she never wants sex again - ever. It is painful to look at your 8 year relationship and recognize that it is over. It is painful to recognize that your partner, lover, husband, wife is really playing for the other team and you're not part of that team. It is painful to recognize that your partner has an addiction and they are never going to change. It is painful to realize that the relationship you are in is not in your highest and best good.

Many of us have been lying to ourselves since we were children. Our parents may have lied to us. We often begin to lie to ourselves because we recognize that our parents had their own issues and may not have been the greatest role models. They may have been abusive, alcoholics or absent emotionally. We may have had to create a fantasy in our minds to make all of their behavior acceptable. If we were abused, molested or had other trauma, lying to ourselves was the only way we could survive. A lifetime of denial can be a huge pattern to break. It was for me. I used to prefer the lie to the truth.

I recently dated a man who professed his love for me on our first date. He had no idea who I was. He did not know I was psychic or that I could read his energy. He did what he always did with women. He lied. It obviously had worked in the past, because he continue to act in this way. It just didn't work with me. He wanted sex. He told me what he thought I wanted to hear. I wanted truth and all he gave me was lies. Most women prefer the lie. Are you one of them?

Love takes time to grow. We might become attracted to or infatuated with someone in an hour and a half, but we don't fall in love. We need to get to know one another, like each other and develop a bond. It doesn't happen in one date. 

I no longer need love and acceptance from others, because I give it to myself. We become stronger and more  powerful when we have a strong sense of self and connection with the spiritual. There was a time when I would have believed - or half believed the lies. Not any more. When we set the first date up, I told him I wanted to talk, he promised we would - he didn't want to, he wanted something else entirely. A persons' actions speak so much louder than words. We have to be alert, to see if the other person's actions and words align? If they don't, you are wasting your time. Thinking that your love will change another is fantasy and codependent thinking. These are habits that are ingrained. If they lie about one thing, they will lie about everything. People who lie usually cheat. Where we allow it to continue, rather than calling them on their fiction, we accept the lie. We join the person lying to us in their behavior.

When we don't love and accept ourselves, we are in such a deficit of love that we will accept any behavior to have what looks like love or sounds like love to make ourselves feel better. The problem with this line of thinking is that you will stay in a situation with someone who won't treat you well.  You will settle for less, because you feel you don't deserve MORE. When you love yourself unconditionally, you know without a shadow of a doubt you do deserve to be treated with love, respect, honesty and integrity, because you treat yourself and others this way.

We need to be strong enough to hear the lies. We need to be able to hear it for what it is and call the other person on it. When we remain mute, we are condoning the lie. 

When I was insecure, and codependent I believed whatever people told me, because I wanted love so desperately. I didn't love and accept myself. I was in a love deficit. I felt broken, empty and lonely. The deficit could be felt instinctively by others. My eagerness to please my boss, friends and co-workers, allowed me to be taken advantage of. I thought of myself as a victim.  Yet, I put myself there. When we don't love and accept ourselves, we long for attention, even if it is negative. We give seemingly from a selfless place, yet, it is really a place of need. Being needy is not attractive. Others feel it and don't like it. Men certainly don't find this attractive.

When we are in a state of desperation, we will accept almost anything. This is not a safe place to be. When we will accept any kind of behavior to have love, we will move in with, or marry the wrong person. We will accept almost any kind of treatment, because we long to be loved. We will date or marry people who are abusive, homosexual or addicted. Getting out of a relationship like this can take a lifetime, or take the life out of you.

For me, it wasn't until my last divorce, from a man who hid the fact that he was a closet homosexual AND an alcoholic. Even though I had done a lot of deep work, I hadn't dealt with the deep denial I had since childhood. This marriage certainly uncovered the myths, denial and lies I believed all my life. Although painful, this relationship was the turning point for the truth to be revealed for me about my childhood, my parents and just how broken I was from the abuse. I thought I was healed. But clearly I wasn't. I functioned fairly well on the outside, a lot had changed and healed, but not all. Many of us who have been traumatized in childhood or early teens by molestation have the deepest hurts which fragment our soul. 

Observe, Change and Grow

My last marriage was abusive in a different kind of way, he did not hurt me physically, or even threaten me. Instead he rejected me. He withheld love and affection. When I recognized that withholding love was abusive, I looked back and connected the dots. My mother also withheld love from me. She didn't accept me and approve of me. I was never good enough, smart enough, thin enough or a good enough mother. I either did too much or not enough for my children. Even into adulthood, every phone call was filled with judgment, criticism and condemnation. I saw how my marriage to this man mirrored my mother's behavior. 

Withholding love and affection from your partner or spouse is passive aggressive and abusive.  It was painful to recognize that my mother did not give me love, because she wasn't capable of it. I continued to look for men who were like my mother, because she was my role model for relationships. Until I recognized that my mother could never give me what I needed, I continued to search for love outside of me. It took me years to recognize she was teaching me that I had to give it to myself. We will continue to seek from others what we cannot give to ourselves.

The horror in this is that until I recognized that my mother's modeling of "LOVE" wasn't loving at all - I repeated the same behavior again and again in my relationships. I had been in denial of my mother's love, or rather lack of it! We continue to look for relationships that model our mother's love until we reprogram our own energy. Loving ourselves is the key to everything. When we reject ourselves, we attract partners who will never accept us. When we don't love ourselves, we attract others who won't love themselves either. These partners may be addicted, abusive and filled with rage, because of their own issues of self hatred and inner rage.

Ignoring a behavior is what gets us into trouble. Ignoring behavior is avoidance of the issue. This is DENIAL. Avoidance of conflict will not make the issue go away either. We have to face these issues, rather than run away.

The Key To Growth And Healing

We are shattered. Just like the glass that falls on the floor, an explosion of the whole takes place; fragments fly all over. We find pieces under the fridge, the dishwasher and even in the next room. For some, recovery is just too painful, because it means facing the awful truth, that our parents were not good people (or whatever the core issue is from childhood). They were really messed up. They were not capable of love. They should never have had children at all. Being the product of this kind of dysfunctional environment means you need to have help to heal. You can't do it alone. And it does not happen overnight, it can take decades to find all the missing fragments if you try to do so by yourself. 

Fear Keeps Us Stuck

It can be scary to face the truth. When we face the truth about another, we also have to look at ourselves and why we made the lies acceptable. Why did we talk ourselves into believing that certain behaviors were okay? Usually we did it because we just wanted love.

We Are Wired For Love

Humans need love. We all have an innate need to be loved and accepted. We have receptors in our brains that were wired for love. It is natural. Most of us will do almost anything to get it, feel it and receive it. Yet, we are all missing the point if we are looking for it somewhere else. It is what I did. I didn't have the love I needed from my parents, so I manufactured love and acceptance from others. I looked for approval from my bosses, my friends, my Spiritual mentors and lovers. I wanted validation, and love from others. The hidden truth is, however, that love has to come from YOU first. You have to give yourself love and acceptance unconditionally before you will find another to love and accept you. Energy moves in a circle, you have to give it to get it, and it all begins with you.

I Love Myself, Don't I?

Most people think they love themselves. I hear it all the time, when I am giving talks and speaking to clients for the first time. If you feel insecure, lonely or alone - you don't love yourself. If you feel like a victim, you don't love yourself. If you blame others for your life, your pain or condition, you don't love yourself. If you continue to try to please others, you don't love yourself. If you control, manipulate or give up yourself, your desires, your needs, dreams, friends, family and your wishes to please another, you don't love yourself. 

Where Do I Begin?

Our thoughts are pivotal. They are much more powerful than most people realize. Each thought is like a prayer. Would you pray to God, "God, I am so stupid........." No. Would God talk to you the way you speak to yourself, or think about yourself? 

You have to stop berating, condemning and criticizing yourself. Instead you have to approve and validate yourself. Until you love and accept yourself the way you are, you will never be happy with someone else. Happiness comes when you totally love and accept you as you are. It is a "Come as you are party" and you are the guest of honor. When we begin to love, honor and respect ourselves, without trying to change ourselves, everyone else does too. Deep introspection, uncovering our beliefs about ourselves takes getting to our unconscious mind - where our negative belief systems are buried away. These need to be unearthed, dusted off and examined. We need the help of a compassionate person who will encourage, empower and prod us to move beyond the old thought processes that keep us in this paradigm of unhappiness and limited beliefs. It is not just a matter of thinking, I love myself that brings change. It is re-programming, Spiritual re-parenting and healing our inner child. It is forgiveness and compassion that begins to reveal the beautiful light within you that has been there all the time, buried under the emotional debris and turmoil. 

How Do I DO IT?

When I began this healing journey, each practitioner was a step in the right direction. I visited a hypnotherapist in Atlanta, Georgia. His work helped to transform me.  I found it worked to re-program my mind. When I recognized the power of hypnotherapy, I studied with him and became certified as a hypnotherapist. I studied Louise Hay's work, and that of many other energy healers and became an energy healer, because I found the work powerfully life-changing. I became certified as an advanced Master Energy healer. I studied the Akashic Records with a shaman in Bali. 

I found this work to be transformational. I became a life coach when I found my clients benefited from intuitive counseling. Being certified as a life coach took my energy healing and intuitive abilities to a higher level. All of these modalities are combined in my work with my coaching clients. I do not choose a one-size fits all for my clients. Everyone is different. What works for one person, might not work for another. I work with each person as an individual. We work organically from where you are. The worksheets and homework I give my clients is the work I used to heal myself. I know it works. 

Jennifer can be reached through her website: JenniferElizabethMasters.com