By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
Lies in a relationship create distance and disconnection. When we lie to ourselves (denial) we create disconnection between ourselves and our soul. Real growth only comes when we let go of our inner denial and face the whole truth of who we are.
We lie to ourselves about the food we eat, our health, or lack of it, weight, the people we marry or date and the way we really feel about our lives and ourselves. We lie to ourselves when we say no to sex with our partner, making up excuses for not wanting intimacy. We lie about the transactional aspect of sex. We often manipulate our partners through sex, in an attempt to get what we want. We lie to ourselves, by faking an orgasm, thinking that it is easier this way. It makes our partner feel better. All these forms of lying create disconnection and distance from yourself and your partner.
Unless you have worked diligently to dig down and find all the ways you lie to yourselves you might disagree with most of my previous statements. That's okay, if you don't want to grow evolve and move out of your misery. The other side of misery is happiness and joy. The truth is, some people never venture beyond their pain and suffering, because it seems just too difficult. Sometimes, we prefer to believe the lie than be brutally honest with ourselves, because the truth is often very painful. Remember we don't have to stay in pain - we can move forward and through it. On the other side of pain is growth, and happiness.
Staying in pain is suffering. Sometimes we are too afraid to go it alone, which is where we need a coach to encourage us and help us see all sides of an issue. A coach who has healed can be a great catalyst for growth and change. When we are stuck in fear and mired in our issues, we need someone to be our personal cheerleader, our confidant, our backhoe, that has the power and the skill to pull us up and out.
It is painful to recognize that the week our husband was on a business trip, that he was having an affair. It is painful to recognize that your wife of 30 years has decided she never wants sex again - ever. It is painful to look at your 8 year relationship and recognize that it is over. It is painful to recognize that your partner, lover, husband, wife is really playing for the other team and you're not part of that team. It is painful to recognize that your partner has an addiction and they are never going to change. It is painful to realize that the relationship you are in is not in your highest and best good.
Many of us have been lying to ourselves since we were children. Our parents may have lied to us. We often begin to lie to ourselves because we recognize that our parents had their own issues and may not have been the greatest role models. They may have been abusive, alcoholics or absent emotionally. We may have had to create a fantasy in our minds to make all of their behavior acceptable. If we were abused, molested or had other trauma, lying to ourselves was the only way we could survive. A lifetime of denial can be a huge pattern to break. It was for me. I used to prefer the lie to the truth.
I recently dated a man who professed his love for me on our first date. He had no idea who I was. He did not know I was psychic or that I could read his energy. He did what he always did with women. He lied. It obviously had worked in the past, because he continue to act in this way. It just didn't work with me. He wanted sex. He told me what he thought I wanted to hear. I wanted truth and all he gave me was lies. Most women prefer the lie. Are you one of them?
Love takes time to grow. We might become attracted to or infatuated with someone in an hour and a half, but we don't fall in love. We need to get to know one another, like each other and develop a bond. It doesn't happen in one date.
I no longer need love and acceptance from others, because I give it to myself. We become stronger and more powerful when we have a strong sense of self and connection with the spiritual. There was a time when I would have believed - or half believed the lies. Not any more. When we set the first date up, I told him I wanted to talk, he promised we would - he didn't want to, he wanted something else entirely. A persons' actions speak so much louder than words. We have to be alert, to see if the other person's actions and words align? If they don't, you are wasting your time. Thinking that your love will change another is fantasy and codependent thinking. These are habits that are ingrained. If they lie about one thing, they will lie about everything. People who lie usually cheat. Where we allow it to continue, rather than calling them on their fiction, we accept the lie. We join the person lying to us in their behavior.
When we don't love and accept ourselves, we are in such a deficit of love that we will accept any behavior to have what looks like love or sounds like love to make ourselves feel better. The problem with this line of thinking is that you will stay in a situation with someone who won't treat you well. You will settle for less, because you feel you don't deserve MORE. When you love yourself unconditionally, you know without a shadow of a doubt you do deserve to be treated with love, respect, honesty and integrity, because you treat yourself and others this way.
We need to be strong enough to hear the lies. We need to be able to hear it for what it is and call the other person on it. When we remain mute, we are condoning the lie.
When I was insecure, and codependent I believed whatever people told me, because I wanted love so desperately. I didn't love and accept myself. I was in a love deficit. I felt broken, empty and lonely. The deficit could be felt instinctively by others. My eagerness to please my boss, friends and co-workers, allowed me to be taken advantage of. I thought of myself as a victim. Yet, I put myself there. When we don't love and accept ourselves, we long for attention, even if it is negative. We give seemingly from a selfless place, yet, it is really a place of need. Being needy is not attractive. Others feel it and don't like it. Men certainly don't find this attractive.
When we are in a state of desperation, we will accept almost anything. This is not a safe place to be. When we will accept any kind of behavior to have love, we will move in with, or marry the wrong person. We will accept almost any kind of treatment, because we long to be loved. We will date or marry people who are abusive, homosexual or addicted. Getting out of a relationship like this can take a lifetime, or take the life out of you.
For me, it wasn't until my last divorce, from a man who hid the fact that he was a closet homosexual AND an alcoholic. Even though I had done a lot of deep work, I hadn't dealt with the deep denial I had since childhood. This marriage certainly uncovered the myths, denial and lies I believed all my life. Although painful, this relationship was the turning point for the truth to be revealed for me about my childhood, my parents and just how broken I was from the abuse. I thought I was healed. But clearly I wasn't. I functioned fairly well on the outside, a lot had changed and healed, but not all. Many of us who have been traumatized in childhood or early teens by molestation have the deepest hurts which fragment our soul.
Observe, Change and Grow
My last marriage was abusive in a different kind of way, he did not hurt me physically, or even threaten me. Instead he rejected me. He withheld love and affection. When I recognized that withholding love was abusive, I looked back and connected the dots. My mother also withheld love from me. She didn't accept me and approve of me. I was never good enough, smart enough, thin enough or a good enough mother. I either did too much or not enough for my children. Even into adulthood, every phone call was filled with judgment, criticism and condemnation. I saw how my marriage to this man mirrored my mother's behavior.
Withholding love and affection from your partner or spouse is passive aggressive and abusive. It was painful to recognize that my mother did not give me love, because she wasn't capable of it. I continued to look for men who were like my mother, because she was my role model for relationships. Until I recognized that my mother could never give me what I needed, I continued to search for love outside of me. It took me years to recognize she was teaching me that I had to give it to myself. We will continue to seek from others what we cannot give to ourselves.
The horror in this is that until I recognized that my mother's modeling of "LOVE" wasn't loving at all - I repeated the same behavior again and again in my relationships. I had been in denial of my mother's love, or rather lack of it! We continue to look for relationships that model our mother's love until we reprogram our own energy. Loving ourselves is the key to everything. When we reject ourselves, we attract partners who will never accept us. When we don't love ourselves, we attract others who won't love themselves either. These partners may be addicted, abusive and filled with rage, because of their own issues of self hatred and inner rage.
Ignoring a behavior is what gets us into trouble. Ignoring behavior is avoidance of the issue. This is DENIAL. Avoidance of conflict will not make the issue go away either. We have to face these issues, rather than run away.
The Key To Growth And Healing
We are shattered. Just like the glass that falls on the floor, an explosion of the whole takes place; fragments fly all over. We find pieces under the fridge, the dishwasher and even in the next room. For some, recovery is just too painful, because it means facing the awful truth, that our parents were not good people (or whatever the core issue is from childhood). They were really messed up. They were not capable of love. They should never have had children at all. Being the product of this kind of dysfunctional environment means you need to have help to heal. You can't do it alone. And it does not happen overnight, it can take decades to find all the missing fragments if you try to do so by yourself.
Fear Keeps Us Stuck
It can be scary to face the truth. When we face the truth about another, we also have to look at ourselves and why we made the lies acceptable. Why did we talk ourselves into believing that certain behaviors were okay? Usually we did it because we just wanted love.
We Are Wired For Love
Humans need love. We all have an innate need to be loved and accepted. We have receptors in our brains that were wired for love. It is natural. Most of us will do almost anything to get it, feel it and receive it. Yet, we are all missing the point if we are looking for it somewhere else. It is what I did. I didn't have the love I needed from my parents, so I manufactured love and acceptance from others. I looked for approval from my bosses, my friends, my Spiritual mentors and lovers. I wanted validation, and love from others. The hidden truth is, however, that love has to come from YOU first. You have to give yourself love and acceptance unconditionally before you will find another to love and accept you. Energy moves in a circle, you have to give it to get it, and it all begins with you.
I Love Myself, Don't I?
Most people think they love themselves. I hear it all the time, when I am giving talks and speaking to clients for the first time. If you feel insecure, lonely or alone - you don't love yourself. If you feel like a victim, you don't love yourself. If you blame others for your life, your pain or condition, you don't love yourself. If you continue to try to please others, you don't love yourself. If you control, manipulate or give up yourself, your desires, your needs, dreams, friends, family and your wishes to please another, you don't love yourself.
Where Do I Begin?
Our thoughts are pivotal. They are much more powerful than most people realize. Each thought is like a prayer. Would you pray to God, "God, I am so stupid........." No. Would God talk to you the way you speak to yourself, or think about yourself?
You have to stop berating, condemning and criticizing yourself. Instead you have to approve and validate yourself. Until you love and accept yourself the way you are, you will never be happy with someone else. Happiness comes when you totally love and accept you as you are. It is a "Come as you are party" and you are the guest of honor. When we begin to love, honor and respect ourselves, without trying to change ourselves, everyone else does too. Deep introspection, uncovering our beliefs about ourselves takes getting to our unconscious mind - where our negative belief systems are buried away. These need to be unearthed, dusted off and examined. We need the help of a compassionate person who will encourage, empower and prod us to move beyond the old thought processes that keep us in this paradigm of unhappiness and limited beliefs. It is not just a matter of thinking, I love myself that brings change. It is re-programming, Spiritual re-parenting and healing our inner child. It is forgiveness and compassion that begins to reveal the beautiful light within you that has been there all the time, buried under the emotional debris and turmoil.
How Do I DO IT?
When I began this healing journey, each practitioner was a step in the right direction. I visited a hypnotherapist in Atlanta, Georgia. His work helped to transform me. I found it worked to re-program my mind. When I recognized the power of hypnotherapy, I studied with him and became certified as a hypnotherapist. I studied Louise Hay's work, and that of many other energy healers and became an energy healer, because I found the work powerfully life-changing. I became certified as an advanced Master Energy healer. I studied the Akashic Records with a shaman in Bali.
I found this work to be transformational. I became a life coach when I found my clients benefited from intuitive counseling. Being certified as a life coach took my energy healing and intuitive abilities to a higher level. All of these modalities are combined in my work with my coaching clients. I do not choose a one-size fits all for my clients. Everyone is different. What works for one person, might not work for another. I work with each person as an individual. We work organically from where you are. The worksheets and homework I give my clients is the work I used to heal myself. I know it works.
Truth is the quality or state of being true. Truth encompasses integrity, character, honor. Telling the truth is a refusal to lie. What about half-truths? What about white lies? Are they just lies disguised as niceties? Is it okay to lie about your age?
Question: Is it okay to tell your child that a parent abandoned you? Or is it better to tell your child a made-up story about why the parent isn't around, like that they died when they didn't? 
Question: Is it okay to tell your child that a parent abandoned you? Or is it better to tell your child a made-up story about why the parent isn't around, like that they died when they didn't? 
and flaws, we have healthy self-esteem. 
