Recognizing Insecurity and 10 Powerful Ways to Overcome It

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Most of us have felt insecure at some time. When we feel insecure ALL the time, we have self-love and self-acceptance issues. 

When I was a teen and well into adulthood, I was extremely insecure. I had the market cornered on insecurity and neediness. I remember thinking, "She's prettier than me! She's thinner than me! He's smarter than I will ever be! I can't do math! I can't be successful. I have to have someone who loves me to feel whole. My mother always loved my brother more than me. My father wouldn't let me go to college!" 

Stinking Thinking Sinks US

All these mental constructs are just stories that we make up that have little or no validity. When we believe the stories, is when we really get into a downward spiral. Comparing ourselves to others is never good. We are all unique. We all have our own gifts to share with the world. Here are some ways to recognize insecurity and later I will give you ways to overcome it. 

You May Be Insecure If

• You feel needy
• You are jealous - sometimes to the point of feeling insane
• You have self-doubt
• You beat yourself up
• You complain
• You are reactive to what others say
• You compare yourself to others
• You need to have a partner to feel whole
• You are uncomfortable having others look at you
• You feel fat
• You feel too thin
• You feed stupid
• You feel inadequate
• You feel your mother didn't love you
• You feel your father didn't love you
• You have any addictions: shopping, sex, work, working out, pot, alcohol, meth, sugar, eating, binging, purging, cutting
• You have compulsive behaviors
• You are afraid - of anything
• You worry
• You obsess
• You are never on time
• You are not successful at what you do
• You have difficulty with abuse
• Your relationships are awful: cheaters, liars, abusers, bad boys, bad girls, 
• You can't find love
• You say mean things to others
• You bitch, moan, complain about your life
• Your life is filled with chaos
• Your life is filled with drama
• You are unhappy with you, life, your job, your boss, your partner
• You can't meditate
• You look at yourself in the mirror and pick yourself apart
• You are estranged from any family member
• Depression
• Insomnia
• Anxiety
• Aches, pains
• Adrenal issues - Addison's disease
• Apathy
• Suicide
• Anorexia
• Feel like a victim
• Blame others for your lot in life and unhappiness
• Low blood pressure (lack of love as a child)
• Breast problems and breast cancer - refusal to nourish the self
• You are a people pleaser
• You are not authentic, but the chameleon, changing who you are for different people and situations
• You may be a workshop junkie
• You may be a healing junkie going from healer to healer looking for the quick fix
• You may encourage arguments to prove how unlovable you are
• You may lash out at others to hurt them - because you are hurting
• You may push love away
• You may resist love
• You may feel unlovable and unworthy
• Your thoughts are negative
• You have a lot of mind chatter
• You feel like a victim
• You are looking to be rescued
• You may be lonely or feel alone even in a relationship
• You worry about what other's think of you

Any of these traits depict insecurity. Feeling lack in any area of your life can make you feel insecure. I have been there and worn the T-shirts, and given them all to Goodwill. What is wrong with being insecure? Plenty. Your relationships suck, you have challenges in most areas of your life and you are unhappy. Focusing on these areas and continuing to do nothing about it can lead to the following diseases:

Just A Few Examples of Diseases Caused By Self-Hatred

1. Cancer - holding onto deep hurt, hatred
2. Arthritis - feeling unloved, criticism, resentment
3. Fibromyalgia - self-loathing, negativity, complaining
4. Epstein-Barr and any other auto immune disease
5. Acne - rejection of self
6. Bulimia - frantic stuffing of the self
7. Addictions - alcohol, sugar, pot, sex, shopping

Insecurity can ruin our relationships, success and steel our happiness. In my case, I went from one relationship to another, looking for love, acceptance and validation. Never finding it till I began to accept and love all of myself. It was a gradual process. When I began to see how my thoughts were literally killing me, I made the choice to do something about it. 

I studied hypnotherapy, when I saw that it helped me. I became a hypnotherapist and then a hypnotherapy trainer. I was helped by NLP, so I became certified in that modality. Energy healing helped me, so I became certified in Spiritual Response Therapy. I saw how coaching was needed, rather than traditional therapy to help others feel fully alive, secure and filled with self love. I have since gone on to combine all these modalities into the work I do with my clients. In the process of healing my life, I became enlightened. I created tools to help others heal their life that worked for me. 

Happiness Is An Inside Job

We are each responsible for our own happiness. No one else can make us happy. 

No relationship can fill us up or make us feel less broken. 

We have to choose happiness for ourselves. Thinking that we will be happy when we find the perfect job, relationship or move to the perfect place, is not going to bring it to you. Looking outside of ourselves for joy or happiness is not going to be lasting or permanent. Whether it is a new car, a home, a job, business, a relationship or even losing weight. All those things may bring a fleeting joy, but material things and other people do not make us happy, or secure.

How To Begin To Love Yourself and Feel Complete

1. Stop blaming everyone. You are not a victim. Take Responsibility for your happiness. 
2. Happiness is a choice - choose to be happy each day.
3. Be grateful for what you have. Prayers of gratitude remind you of all the good you do have and open you to receive more.
4. Forgive everyone, beginning with yourself. Use the Ho'oponopono Prayer daily until you feel complete. 
5. Stop beating yourself up, saying you are an idiot or stupid, or worse.
6. Use a mantra to reprogram your mind. A mantra needs to be positive simple and said either silently or out loud when your mind is in neutral. Meditation, peeling vegetables, washing dishes, putting on make-up, driving your car are all times when your mind is in neutral.
7. Get an energy clearing to clear blocks and negativity as well as blocked emotions. When you are ready to step out you can even have the blocks in your heart cleared as well.
8.  Begin to have a soft focus on you. Look at yourself with loving eyes instead of criticism. Get to know who you are and what you love. What do you love about you? Write down 10 things that you love about you.
9. What do you love to do? Do one thing on the list daily.
10. Do something daily that nurtures your soul. If you love to take hot baths in candlelight, do that. If you love to work out - work out. Do not feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You are important. You are worthy. You are loved. The person you need to give love to is YOU!

When we love ourselves, others want to be around us. We become a magnet for higher consciousness people and more loving kindness. Good things begin to happen to us. The Universe supports us.

Jennifer is a self-love coach and spiritual guide. She assists men and women love themselves fearlessly. She is an author and a healer. She can help you overcome the slew of issues listed on this blog above. Jennifer also works with women overcoming breast cancer. She helps you reprogram your mind so that you don't recreate it in your body. Jennifer is loving, compassionate and present. She has healed her own issues with self-love, so she understands what you are going through. You can buy her book here.

Her website is: JenniferElizabethMasters.com

The fast way to enlightenment?  SELF LOVE!

Looking For A Bad Boy?

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Women think that they know what they want. We look for and seek out the sexy, hard edged bad boy. When he treats us badly and sleeps with our best friend, or mother, we wonder what the hell happened? Yet, what do we expect? We picked someone who is a rebel, selfish, self centered and disloyal. Why are some women like the moth to the flame? We can't wait to self destruct? Afterwards, we cry to our friends about what an ass hole the guy was. When unconsciously we knew all along that this person would show us his true colors.

Sean Penn

Having been one of these women in the past, I longed for the sexy, hard-edged bad boy. The one all women would be attracted to. Women have a tendency to throw themselves at bad boys, at least I did. When we pick the really HOT GUY, usually there are many women vying for his attention and affection. The problem is that these bad boys are only reflecting back to us, the way we feel about ourselves - self destructive, self sabotaging and hateful.

Yes, when we look for the bad boys, we do it because we hurt ourselves with our thoughts. We are self sabotaging. We attract someone to us that will hurt us the way we hurt ourselves. These bad boys are only a reflection of the inner workings of our mind. We feel unworthy for someone who will treat us like a Queen, so we attract a man who will show us our unworthiness. They will prove to us that a man can't be faithful to us. We feel undeserving, and they reflect that right back to us. These men don't apologize and are never at fault, they blame their women for their issues, whether they are alcohol related or sexual indiscretions.

Self loathing is something we don't like to admit. When we expect perfection in ourselves, we are filled with an inner self loathing. We don't accept ourselves as we are. If you are one of these women who always seems to lean towards the bad boys, this is showing you your own lack of self worth. We constantly tell ourselves we are not good enough. We beat ourselves up, looking to be perfect but miss the mark entirely. 

Fast Life, fast cars, James Dean consummate bad boy

The truth is we are already perfect as we are. We are perfect in our imperfection. We have nothing to change, nothing to heal. All we have to do is begin to love and accept ourselves as we are. When we let go of our need to be perfect, we recognize we have already arrived. We are already there. We have already WON!

What Others Think of YOU is none of your business!

Worrying about what others think of us shows us our lack of self love. When you truly love yourself, you don't need to be validated by the outside world, your parents, siblings or friends. You already know who you are and are happy with you. Focusing on what others think shows you that you have not stepped into your personal power. Your power is in there, under the insecurities. It needs to be dusted off so that you can see your sparkly interior. Seeing the beauty within you, loving what you see, rather than chastising yourself, or feeling loathing or hatred when you look at yourself naked is key. We have to love all of us, not just a piece or a portion. We can't cut off an arm, leg or a part of ourselves that we don't like. We all have faults, personality traits that aren't stellar and need some tender loving care. 

Looking at ourselves with a soft focus instead of the Mother Superior with the metal edged ruler that beats us every time we don't choose well. Instead loving acceptance and compassion for who we are leads to fulfillment and internal permanent happiness.

Eventually......We Begin To Learn

I used to go for the bad boys. I was married to a couple of them. They were not faithful. They treated me badly. They treated ME the way I treated myself inside. I didn't respect myself and they were disrespectful to me. It was all mirrored right back to me. All they were doing was reflecting back to me my internal circuitry of insecurity, lack of self worth and self hatred. I thought I loved myself. I didn't. Loving yourself is not just saying, "I love me." It is feeling it in the depth of your soul from the deepest part of your being. When you love yourself, you love life. You have a passion for living that makes everything come alive. Your purpose is evident. You live on purpose each day in every moment. You live in the present connected to your own Divinity within you. You feel connected to everything and love everyone. Loving acceptance of you, means you stop judging and CRITICISING  you and everyone else as well. 

It is So Much Easier To See Fault In Others

When our self esteem is low, we easily see fault in everyone else. We point out other's mistakes. We try to change others. This focus on others takes the focus off ourselves. Seeing fault in others means you are in denial of your own issues. Denial is one of the underlying signs of addiction. Codependency is an addiction. Being addicted to relationships - needing to be in a relationship because of neediness is the worst reason to be in one.  Instead love yourself first. When you love you completely accepting all of yourself you will begin to radiate that light of love out into the world. When you do, you will attract healthy balanced men into your life, rather than one who is addicted, abusive or will cheat on you.

The Big AHA - We Mirror Each Other

When I began to realize that every relationship I had was just a reflection of how I felt about myself, my world began to change. I realized I was not a victim. Everyone was not out to get me, as I previously thought. The Universe was not hateful. It was just confirming to me the thoughts that I had. When I began to focus on positive thoughts and asked questions instead of making closed ended statements, it was like magic. Good things began to materialize for me in all areas of my life. Instead of saying to myself life is hard, I began to see how life worked FOR ME! I began to manifest in the moment when I asked: "How can I effortlessly and easily (have /create or receive) _________." 

I did not have to control everything and everyone. I didn't have to try and change my partner, my children or my mother or make anyone better. I was in denial of my own sense of worth. It was far easier to look at others and see all their imperfections thinking that I was helping them. 

When you can let go of what everyone else is dong and focus instead on yourself, you look within to see why you are triggered by something someone else does or says? You recognize that the reaction you had is YOURS! Hence when you are angered by something - you are not a victim, you are just experiencing an internal issue of your own surfacing. When someone cuts you off on the road, if you get angry it is not that they are doing something TO YOU, your internal issues of being powerless are coming up for you to see. You are not powerless. Obviously that person was in a much bigger hurry and needed to get where they were going faster than you. That is all. It is something to put some love into. Acceptance and forgiveness for you. 

The next time you look at a hot guy that you know in your heart will screw around on you, have compassion for you and love yourself some more. Look at where you have abandonment issues. Remember how Jennifer Anniston felt when Brad had an affair with Angelina Jolie. Awful! Sure he was cute. Yes he was hot, but he broke her heart. Is this what you want for yourself?

Love is not supposed to hurt. Love does not ridicule, disrespect, abuse, abandon, or cause harm. 

Begin Loving You Right NOW!

1. Let go of trying to be perfect.
2. Stop worrying about what others think about you.
3. Focus on the positive.
4. Look at yourself with eyes of love.
5. Stop beating yourself up with thoughts and words.
6. Soften your focus. Think of yourself as a newborn baby. You would not beat up, or think negatively about a newborn baby, neither should you of yourself.
7. Know you are already ENOUGH!
8. You are WORTHY!

If you continue to attract men that treat you badly, it is time for you to hire a coach that can help you change your perspective. You don't have to change. Instead, begin to look at yourself with a softer gaze. Let go of the baseball bat and the magnifying glass that you view yourself through. Jennifer has healed her own self loathing and low self esteem. She has been where you are and has compassion and understanding for you. At the same time, Jennifer will be direct, clear and help you see things differently. If you are ready to have permanent and lasting happiness, positivity in all areas of your life and live your soul purpose, you have come to the right place.

Jennifer Elizabeth Masters is the author of two books, the latest is Orgasm For Life available on Amazon.com. Jennifer is a healed healer, having healed past childhood trauma and sexual abuse, sexual dysfunction and depression. When she began to love herself, her pain, illness, diseases - Fibromyaligia and Epstein Barr syndrome magically disappeared. Your thoughts create illness and pain in your body. Healing self loathing can heal the pain in your body as well as change your life. Schedule your FREE 30 minute session with Jennifer to work through an issue, or see how working with Jennifer will change your life for the better. Live your purpose with PASSION. Live a passion filled life. Have a book within you that is bursting to come out? Jennifer is holding a retreat this fall to teach aspiring authors to channel their own book. E-mail Jennifer NOW

Jennifer's website is: http://www.JenniferElizabethMasters.com

I would love to hear your comments below. How has attracting bad boys affected you and your life? Have you given up on men? If so why?

Justin Beiber Sings You're Insecure to YOU

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

You turn heads when you enter a room. Your body is stunning and slender, yet you still feel you are too heavy. Or perhaps you are twenty or so pounds over what you would like to be. Your smile is crooked and your teeth aren't perfect. Each time you look at yourself in the mirror you tell yourself, all the things that aren't perfect. You are insecure.

When we are insecure, everyone around us feels it. We may be hyper reactive to criticism. Even when someone complements us we shrug it off by making a negative comment about ourselves. We feel needy. The more distance a lover, husband or wife tries to put between you the more grasping and clingy you become. 

You would not know it today, but all of the above pertained to me. No matter what someone said about how pretty I was, or how good I looked, I did not feel it. In high school I was one of the popular girls. I was an athlete, on the swim team, volleyball team, gymnastics team and a cheerleader. After high school I became a flight attendant when you had to look a certain way to be hired. I was slender, fit and still did not feel beautiful. It did not matter what anyone said to me - I did not feel it. I had to have a man to feel whole and loved. I felt empty and broken inside. I felt stupid, inept, clumsy and awkward. I constantly judged myself and others. Most of my words and thoughts were negative, condemning and destructive. My body was wracked with physical pain. I had migraine headaches, and was often sick. I went to the doctor often with mysterious illnesses that could not be found.

I missed work, showed up late and was generally unhappy and depressed. I jumped from job-to-job, looking for the elusive happiness. I did the same thing in relationships. When one didn't make me happy, I was off to the next. I was a very slow learner! I had no clue what made me happy. I was so busy trying to please my boyfriend, husband, parents, that I ended up feeling resentful, angry and lost. I had no soul purpose. I hated my jobs. Nothing was fulfilling to me. In relationships, I was never authentic. I turned myself into what I thought my boyfriend, partner, husband wanted. I tried to be the perfect wife, mother, friend. I failed miserably at it all. I was far from perfect. I felt like a wreck, broken and irreparable.

Most of my clients come to me because they don't feel it. When we strive to be perfect, instead of accepting ourselves as imperfect human beings, we set ourselves up for failure. When our thoughts are constantly negative and self critical we cannot possibly love and accept ourselves. When we don't love and accept ourselves, we also condemn and judge everyone around us. Our world is filled with negativity, because that is what is inside of us. People mirror back to us what our unconscious mind is repeating, over and over and over.

How Can We Change?

Like a fitness program, working on the self is important. In fact it is the most important work you can ever do in your life time. Changing your thoughts and words takes practice, but is possible. If I can do it, you can. I was the most negative person you would ever want to meet. I could find something negative to say about anything. I was filled with self loathing, guilt and shame. I felt unworthy. I felt empty and unloved. 

Plato said: Victory of the self is the greatest of all victories.

When you meet me in person, you will notice I wear a ring on my right hand. The ring has the word victory on it. I had it made in St. Augustine Florida in 2011, the year my first book was published: Odyssey Victim to Victory. I worked very hard to change my words and thoughts. It did not happen overnight. I went to hypnotherapists, energy healers and saw Traditional Chinese doctors, naturopaths, chiropractors, you name it. When I found something that worked profoundly, I became certified in that modality. I began to look at myself with kinder eyes, rather than that of a mean parent. 

What Can We Do To Change?

This video is raw - but real. See my imperfections?

1. Let go of trying to be perfect. I've got news for you, you are not perfect. So let that idea go! When you stop trying to be something you are not, you begin to relax. 
2. What others think of you is none of your business. Stop being concerned about people liking you. This world is not a popularity contest. Trying to get people to like you, is like wearing honey on your face and walking into a hornets' nest. You will get stung. 
3. Stop trying to please others. Pleasing other people will make you very unhappy and you will end up feeling resentful and unhappy for all you do, trying to please them. 
4. Change your thoughts, change your world.  I did not come up with this phrase, I think it was Wayne, Dyer. Truer words were never spoken. Wherever you focus energy, time and attention whether positive or negative, think of it like a penis ... it will grow! Now you won't be able to get this image out of your mind. GOOD! Change the negative for a positive mantra. I tell my clients to use:  I LOVE ME. It is simple. Play it in the background of your mind all day long for 30 days. Guaranteed you will see a difference in your world. Then come back and talk to me. Use this mantra any time you think a negative thought. It will change the thought patterns in your mind from incongruent, to congruent - this creates harmony in the brain and body. When you have harmony inside there will be harmony outside in your world. (This will change gradually.)
5. Treat yourself the way God would. If God wouldn't say it to you. You don't say it to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Find out what you love about yourself. Write a list.
6. Nurture yourself every day.  When people are insecure, they spend time giving and doing for others endlessly but don't take care of themselves. Instead, do something nice for yourself daily. Take a hot bath with Epsom salts, candlelight and a glass of sparkling water in a pretty wine glass. Paint your toenails, give yourself a facial, or take yourself to the beach or a beautiful park. 
7. Spend time in nature every day. Nature is beautiful. The sun fills your body with needed vitamin D3. Get your body outside! Walk in nature without your freaking cell phone. Turn off the television and get your butt off the couch. Nature will fill you with beauty and love. 
8. Express gratitude for what you have as soon as your eyes are opened. When we are unhappy, we feel we have nothing to be grateful for. We focus on the negative. You need to focus on what you do have, like eyesight, legs that walk and arms that move. Unless you are a paraplegic in which case, you need to be grateful to be alive, to have eyes that see and a beautiful mind that works. There is always SOMETHING to be grateful for. The more you focus on gratitude, the more good will come into your life. I promise you! This works.
9. Develop a relationship with The Divine, God, Allah, The Universe, whoever you believe in. This connection will fill you where no person, animal, or child possibly could. Having a daily spiritual practice of meditation, prayer, gratitude is what sustains us, fills us up and brings us lasting peace, harmony and joy. Without this connection, you feel like a ship without a sail, rudder and hull. I recommend The Divine Presence Process Meditation daily. This meditation was what I did daily for 12 months. I feel it was a large part of my becoming enlightened and self actualized in 2012. The Divine Presence Process Meditation on You Tube.

You Can't Please Everybody

When you stop trying to please everyone, it is interesting that you are giving yourself permission to please yourself. Being a people pleaser is a common complaint I see in my clients. They are so busy trying to do for others to keep everyone happy, that they are miserable. Letting go of the responsibility for other's happiness frees you to be happy yourself. Do what you love. Spend time doing fun activities. Please yourself. It is not selfish, it is self care.

I would love to hear what you think about this subject. What works for you? What doesn't work. I would love your feedback. If you liked this post, share it with a friend, Facebook, or other circle.

Jennifer is the author of Orgasm For Life. She is a teacher, Metaphysician, wise woman, with Shamanic tendencies. She is an adventurer of life, mother of 3 and like you fully human. She does not walk on water, though some think they have seen her do it. Jennifer is passionate about life, love and sex. Her lifelong vision is to help women and men come to a loving place of self acceptance and self love so that all their relationships will be healed. Jennifer lives life fully in every breath, enjoying the beauty of this planet and all of God's creatures. She spends time every day in Gratitude for you, being her, reading her posts and sharing what you learn. 

Jennifer is available as a private coach, teacher, workshop facilitator and is offering retreats this fall in several different locations, yet to be determined. Bali, India and the UK are all possibilities. If you wish to schedule a FREE session with Jennifer to discover how she could help you with your issues, her e-mail address is: JenniferElizabethMasters@gmail.com

You can find Jennifer's books on Amazon - 

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Lies in a relationship create distance and disconnection. When we lie to ourselves (denial) we create disconnection between ourselves and our soul. Real growth only comes when we let go of our inner denial and face the whole truth of who we are.

We lie to ourselves about the food we eat, our health, or lack of it, weight, the people we marry or date and the way we really feel about our lives and ourselves. We lie to ourselves when we say no to sex with our partner, making up excuses for not wanting intimacy. We lie about the transactional aspect of sex. We often manipulate our partners through sex, in an attempt to get what we want. We lie to ourselves, by faking an orgasm, thinking that it is easier this way. It makes our partner feel better. All these forms of lying create disconnection and distance from yourself and your partner. 

Unless you have worked diligently to dig down and find all the ways you lie to yourselves you might disagree with most of my previous statements. That's okay, if you don't want to grow evolve and move out of your misery. The other side of misery is happiness and joy. The truth is, some people never venture beyond their pain and suffering, because it seems just too difficult. Sometimes, we prefer to believe the lie than be brutally honest with ourselves, because the truth is often very painful. Remember we don't have to stay in pain - we can move forward and through it. On the other side of pain is growth, and happiness. 

Staying in pain is suffering. Sometimes we are too afraid to go it alone, which is where we need a coach to encourage us and help us see all sides of an issue. A coach who has healed can be a great catalyst for growth and change. When we are stuck in fear and mired in our issues, we need someone to be our personal cheerleader, our confidant, our backhoe, that has the power and the skill to pull us up and out.

It is painful to recognize that the week our husband was on a business trip, that he was having an affair. It is painful to recognize that your wife of 30 years has decided she never wants sex again - ever. It is painful to look at your 8 year relationship and recognize that it is over. It is painful to recognize that your partner, lover, husband, wife is really playing for the other team and you're not part of that team. It is painful to recognize that your partner has an addiction and they are never going to change. It is painful to realize that the relationship you are in is not in your highest and best good.

Many of us have been lying to ourselves since we were children. Our parents may have lied to us. We often begin to lie to ourselves because we recognize that our parents had their own issues and may not have been the greatest role models. They may have been abusive, alcoholics or absent emotionally. We may have had to create a fantasy in our minds to make all of their behavior acceptable. If we were abused, molested or had other trauma, lying to ourselves was the only way we could survive. A lifetime of denial can be a huge pattern to break. It was for me. I used to prefer the lie to the truth.

I recently dated a man who professed his love for me on our first date. He had no idea who I was. He did not know I was psychic or that I could read his energy. He did what he always did with women. He lied. It obviously had worked in the past, because he continue to act in this way. It just didn't work with me. He wanted sex. He told me what he thought I wanted to hear. I wanted truth and all he gave me was lies. Most women prefer the lie. Are you one of them?

Love takes time to grow. We might become attracted to or infatuated with someone in an hour and a half, but we don't fall in love. We need to get to know one another, like each other and develop a bond. It doesn't happen in one date. 

I no longer need love and acceptance from others, because I give it to myself. We become stronger and more  powerful when we have a strong sense of self and connection with the spiritual. There was a time when I would have believed - or half believed the lies. Not any more. When we set the first date up, I told him I wanted to talk, he promised we would - he didn't want to, he wanted something else entirely. A persons' actions speak so much louder than words. We have to be alert, to see if the other person's actions and words align? If they don't, you are wasting your time. Thinking that your love will change another is fantasy and codependent thinking. These are habits that are ingrained. If they lie about one thing, they will lie about everything. People who lie usually cheat. Where we allow it to continue, rather than calling them on their fiction, we accept the lie. We join the person lying to us in their behavior.

When we don't love and accept ourselves, we are in such a deficit of love that we will accept any behavior to have what looks like love or sounds like love to make ourselves feel better. The problem with this line of thinking is that you will stay in a situation with someone who won't treat you well.  You will settle for less, because you feel you don't deserve MORE. When you love yourself unconditionally, you know without a shadow of a doubt you do deserve to be treated with love, respect, honesty and integrity, because you treat yourself and others this way.

We need to be strong enough to hear the lies. We need to be able to hear it for what it is and call the other person on it. When we remain mute, we are condoning the lie. 

When I was insecure, and codependent I believed whatever people told me, because I wanted love so desperately. I didn't love and accept myself. I was in a love deficit. I felt broken, empty and lonely. The deficit could be felt instinctively by others. My eagerness to please my boss, friends and co-workers, allowed me to be taken advantage of. I thought of myself as a victim.  Yet, I put myself there. When we don't love and accept ourselves, we long for attention, even if it is negative. We give seemingly from a selfless place, yet, it is really a place of need. Being needy is not attractive. Others feel it and don't like it. Men certainly don't find this attractive.

When we are in a state of desperation, we will accept almost anything. This is not a safe place to be. When we will accept any kind of behavior to have love, we will move in with, or marry the wrong person. We will accept almost any kind of treatment, because we long to be loved. We will date or marry people who are abusive, homosexual or addicted. Getting out of a relationship like this can take a lifetime, or take the life out of you.

For me, it wasn't until my last divorce, from a man who hid the fact that he was a closet homosexual AND an alcoholic. Even though I had done a lot of deep work, I hadn't dealt with the deep denial I had since childhood. This marriage certainly uncovered the myths, denial and lies I believed all my life. Although painful, this relationship was the turning point for the truth to be revealed for me about my childhood, my parents and just how broken I was from the abuse. I thought I was healed. But clearly I wasn't. I functioned fairly well on the outside, a lot had changed and healed, but not all. Many of us who have been traumatized in childhood or early teens by molestation have the deepest hurts which fragment our soul. 

Observe, Change and Grow

My last marriage was abusive in a different kind of way, he did not hurt me physically, or even threaten me. Instead he rejected me. He withheld love and affection. When I recognized that withholding love was abusive, I looked back and connected the dots. My mother also withheld love from me. She didn't accept me and approve of me. I was never good enough, smart enough, thin enough or a good enough mother. I either did too much or not enough for my children. Even into adulthood, every phone call was filled with judgment, criticism and condemnation. I saw how my marriage to this man mirrored my mother's behavior. 

Withholding love and affection from your partner or spouse is passive aggressive and abusive.  It was painful to recognize that my mother did not give me love, because she wasn't capable of it. I continued to look for men who were like my mother, because she was my role model for relationships. Until I recognized that my mother could never give me what I needed, I continued to search for love outside of me. It took me years to recognize she was teaching me that I had to give it to myself. We will continue to seek from others what we cannot give to ourselves.

The horror in this is that until I recognized that my mother's modeling of "LOVE" wasn't loving at all - I repeated the same behavior again and again in my relationships. I had been in denial of my mother's love, or rather lack of it! We continue to look for relationships that model our mother's love until we reprogram our own energy. Loving ourselves is the key to everything. When we reject ourselves, we attract partners who will never accept us. When we don't love ourselves, we attract others who won't love themselves either. These partners may be addicted, abusive and filled with rage, because of their own issues of self hatred and inner rage.

Ignoring a behavior is what gets us into trouble. Ignoring behavior is avoidance of the issue. This is DENIAL. Avoidance of conflict will not make the issue go away either. We have to face these issues, rather than run away.

The Key To Growth And Healing

We are shattered. Just like the glass that falls on the floor, an explosion of the whole takes place; fragments fly all over. We find pieces under the fridge, the dishwasher and even in the next room. For some, recovery is just too painful, because it means facing the awful truth, that our parents were not good people (or whatever the core issue is from childhood). They were really messed up. They were not capable of love. They should never have had children at all. Being the product of this kind of dysfunctional environment means you need to have help to heal. You can't do it alone. And it does not happen overnight, it can take decades to find all the missing fragments if you try to do so by yourself. 

Fear Keeps Us Stuck

It can be scary to face the truth. When we face the truth about another, we also have to look at ourselves and why we made the lies acceptable. Why did we talk ourselves into believing that certain behaviors were okay? Usually we did it because we just wanted love.

We Are Wired For Love

Humans need love. We all have an innate need to be loved and accepted. We have receptors in our brains that were wired for love. It is natural. Most of us will do almost anything to get it, feel it and receive it. Yet, we are all missing the point if we are looking for it somewhere else. It is what I did. I didn't have the love I needed from my parents, so I manufactured love and acceptance from others. I looked for approval from my bosses, my friends, my Spiritual mentors and lovers. I wanted validation, and love from others. The hidden truth is, however, that love has to come from YOU first. You have to give yourself love and acceptance unconditionally before you will find another to love and accept you. Energy moves in a circle, you have to give it to get it, and it all begins with you.

I Love Myself, Don't I?

Most people think they love themselves. I hear it all the time, when I am giving talks and speaking to clients for the first time. If you feel insecure, lonely or alone - you don't love yourself. If you feel like a victim, you don't love yourself. If you blame others for your life, your pain or condition, you don't love yourself. If you continue to try to please others, you don't love yourself. If you control, manipulate or give up yourself, your desires, your needs, dreams, friends, family and your wishes to please another, you don't love yourself. 

Where Do I Begin?

Our thoughts are pivotal. They are much more powerful than most people realize. Each thought is like a prayer. Would you pray to God, "God, I am so stupid........." No. Would God talk to you the way you speak to yourself, or think about yourself? 

You have to stop berating, condemning and criticizing yourself. Instead you have to approve and validate yourself. Until you love and accept yourself the way you are, you will never be happy with someone else. Happiness comes when you totally love and accept you as you are. It is a "Come as you are party" and you are the guest of honor. When we begin to love, honor and respect ourselves, without trying to change ourselves, everyone else does too. Deep introspection, uncovering our beliefs about ourselves takes getting to our unconscious mind - where our negative belief systems are buried away. These need to be unearthed, dusted off and examined. We need the help of a compassionate person who will encourage, empower and prod us to move beyond the old thought processes that keep us in this paradigm of unhappiness and limited beliefs. It is not just a matter of thinking, I love myself that brings change. It is re-programming, Spiritual re-parenting and healing our inner child. It is forgiveness and compassion that begins to reveal the beautiful light within you that has been there all the time, buried under the emotional debris and turmoil. 

How Do I DO IT?

When I began this healing journey, each practitioner was a step in the right direction. I visited a hypnotherapist in Atlanta, Georgia. His work helped to transform me.  I found it worked to re-program my mind. When I recognized the power of hypnotherapy, I studied with him and became certified as a hypnotherapist. I studied Louise Hay's work, and that of many other energy healers and became an energy healer, because I found the work powerfully life-changing. I became certified as an advanced Master Energy healer. I studied the Akashic Records with a shaman in Bali. 

I found this work to be transformational. I became a life coach when I found my clients benefited from intuitive counseling. Being certified as a life coach took my energy healing and intuitive abilities to a higher level. All of these modalities are combined in my work with my coaching clients. I do not choose a one-size fits all for my clients. Everyone is different. What works for one person, might not work for another. I work with each person as an individual. We work organically from where you are. The worksheets and homework I give my clients is the work I used to heal myself. I know it works. 

Jennifer can be reached through her website: JenniferElizabethMasters.com