Losing Yourself In An Addictive Relationship

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

We meet someone and begin to fall in love. When they ask you to do something, you drop what you are doing, wanting to be with them more than anything. When you have arrangements with friends, you set them aside waiting for your LOVE to be available. As soon as he asks, you drop everything to spend time with him. 

When he/she doesn't like your friends, you stop spending time with them, for fear that they will leave you. When your family make inappropriate comments, you steer clear of them also, as you don't want to lose him/her. When your new LOVE is available and wants to spend the evening with you, even though you have hours of work to do, you say "Yes, I would love to." You may even wait by the phone, missing your workout, in the off-chance that they might call. Or when they ask if you are available, you say, "YES!" missing your workout for them again. This is the beginning of a codependent, addictive relationship. You are giving up yourself, the things that make you feel confident and positive and putting your relationship ahead of your own self care. 

Sometimes, we take it even further; we act the way we think our new found love wants us to be. We become the chameleon, turning ourselves inside out, jumping through hoops to please them. We set aside the fact that we don't like Mexican food, because they love it. We stop working out, because our new partner doesn't. We stop working overtime to get our work done, because our new love is available and wants to spend time with us.

When we change ourselves and our routine to "please" our partner, we are dropping our boundaries and putting our own desires behind those of our partner. Codependence is addictive behavior, ignoring your personal needs and desires, for that of the relationship or your partner. Eventually, your true self is lost, you wonder who you have become, as you have strayed so far from your authentic self that you don't know who you are anymore. You put your partners' needs ahead of your own, thinking that it is for the good of the relationship. This behavior will send you down a road of thankless events, resentment and poor treatment. 

Respect is lost when you don't speak up for yourself. Lifting all personal boundaries is never a good idea. Without boundaries, we begin to accept mediocre treatment, being taken for granted and set aside for our partner's desires and needs. Often codependent people attract narcissistic personalities. We are like a beacon of light in the darkness for those who have a strong sense of entitlement and require excessive admiration. The coupling with a narcissist can be a dark and windy road into personal oblivion. Leading you to wonder where you went. Following are characteristics of a narcissist:

Characteristics of a Narcissist

• Has a very strong sense of entitlement. Believes that they should receive special dispensation, and can only be understood by and associate with other high-level people or institutions.
• Believes that they are special or unique. (Yes everyone is unique, yet the narcissist believes they are MORE unique than anyone else.
• Lacks empathy. Will not, and cannot relate to others feelings.
• Cannot show sympathy. You will very rarely hear the words, "I am sorry from a narcissist.
• Haughty, arrogant and above the rest.
• Believes others are envious of them.
• Has a grandiose sense of self. Often exaggerates stories, or talents. Exaggerates achievements.
• Often exploits others. Uses people to get what they want, without regard for other's needs, desires or feelings.
• Envious of others. Often believes that others are envious of them.

Addictive Sex

I have heard people ask me, if there really is such a thing as addictive sex?  A sex addict does not believe that they are addicted. The biggest issue with an addict is their denial of their issues. When sex becomes your reason for living, governs your life, causes you to be late for work, miss appointments and generally is disruptive to the rest of your life, you have an addiction. When you put the need for sex above all else, an addiction is present. 

Accepting Less Than You Deserve

When we are in addictive relationships we accept mis-treatment, disrespect and being taken for granted. We accept less than we deserve. We tend to believe that if we don't keep this relationship and person that we won't have another one. Our feelings of unworthiness color our world. We begin to lose whatever self worth we have, the longer we stay, perpetuating our need to hang onto this person. The more needy we become, the less our partner wants to be with us. Our neediness becomes a painful downward cycle of deeper feelings of unworthiness and pain. It seems as if there is no way out. If this person dumps us, for someone new, we feel lost, without roots, ungrounded and flailing. Our work suffers, we talk incessantly about the relationship and our lost partner. If we have any friends left at all, they tire of our constant self pity and stories of how we lost the love of our life. - Our friends may try to tell us the truth, but we don't want to listen. Our pain of loss is so great, that we have no sense of who we are, we gave our selves away early on. We cannot see the truth if we fell over it.

Recovery From Addictive Relationships

When we are in the cycle of codependence and addition, it is difficult to see the forest for the trees. In other words, when we are in the middle of it, we can't see anything else. We cannot lift our vibration up enough to feel good about ourselves. If our relationship ends, we immediately seek another, as we feel our happiness and sense of self comes from a relationships. This could not be further from the truth. 

Serial Monogamy

We need help. When we are codependent, we will attract another person who will look different from our last partner, but the relationship and the issues will be very similar. It can be very difficult to move out of this alone. We might spend a lifetime going from one codependent relationship to another.

Steps To Take To Heal

1. Know you are important. Begin to think of your personal needs and take care of yourself first.
2. Stop giving up your schedule, routine for another person. When you make plans with friends keep them. 
3. Speak up for what you want. When we stay quiet, thinking if we speak up we will lose this person, we are making our needs irrelevant. You are important. Practice speaking the truth with people you feel safe with, like friends.
4. Do the things for yourself that make you feel strong. If you used to meditate daily, but gave it up for your partner, bring back your healthy, balanced routine.
5. We need more than one relationship to be balanced. If you gave up friends and family time in lieu of your relationship, know that you are giving up part of yourself. Spending time with friends and family is important. We all need more than one person to fulfill our needs. Expecting our love relationship to be the "be all and end all" is cutting out half of your life. When our partner excises us from friends and family, there is something wrong. This is a huge red flag.
6. Pay attention. When we ignore our own feelings, putting our partner's needs above our own, you can lose yourself. We can't blame the other person, we did this to ourselves. Changing behavior can require hiring a healed coach to do it.

This is my area of expertise.  Getting to the root cause of someone's issues is part of the process. Working with someone who has healed their own addictive behaviors and codependence will move you forward. They will help you to recognize your value. With clear focus, clearing the root cause of the addiction, you will begin to see the light of day. Your confidence will return and grow. You will begin to stand in the truth of who you are, and speak up for yourself. Instead of looking for validation and acceptance from others, you will find it within. You will stand in your power, feel confident and worthy. 

With Spiritual re-parenting your past is healed. You can live in the present, fully grounded and secure. Happiness comes from within. When we search for it outside of ourselves, we come up short. We wonder what happened, we give so much, surely we should be happy? This endless giving to others, rather than to ourselves, leaves us feeling empty and lost. Come home to YOUR PERSONAL POWER. Begin to love yourself today. You will begin to see how you can change your perspective and learn how to speak your truth about your own needs, rather than shelving them for someone else's agenda. 

Jennifer's Podcast on Addictive Love and Codependence

Jennifer Elizabeth Masters is a healed healer, author of Orgasm For Life.  Click here for Her website: 

Listen tonight to Jennifer on The Love Doctor:   For all those who missed Jennifer Elizabeth Masters last week discuss her new book "Orgasm for Life" you are in for a real treat as we go into round two. Don't miss your second chance as we discuss what's hot and what's not in the bedroom. Want to create more joy, pleasure, and fun in the bedroom or backseat of a car? Do you want the ulitimate orgasm and sexual experience of your life no matter what age? Are you living passionately today or just pushing through hoping to make it through to tomorrow? Over 80% of woman have faked the big O more than a couple of times and men too. You can have orgasms every time with some proven techniques and she's here to tell you how. intimacy and orgasms is the icing on the cake and improved sex lives make for lasting relationships. Jennifer Masters is a sex coach for women and has helped thousands of women achieve the big O. The Love Dr. and Ms. Master will discuss everything you wanted to know about sex but, were afraid to ask, Ladies grab your man take a seat and both of you take notes. We will be discussing everything from A-Z about sexual pleasure. The love lines are open Tues,June 17th 2014 9:00 pm est. 714-242-5155 For mature audiences only. blogtalkradio.com Love Dr. Radio

Justin Beiber Sings You're Insecure to YOU

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

You turn heads when you enter a room. Your body is stunning and slender, yet you still feel you are too heavy. Or perhaps you are twenty or so pounds over what you would like to be. Your smile is crooked and your teeth aren't perfect. Each time you look at yourself in the mirror you tell yourself, all the things that aren't perfect. You are insecure.

When we are insecure, everyone around us feels it. We may be hyper reactive to criticism. Even when someone complements us we shrug it off by making a negative comment about ourselves. We feel needy. The more distance a lover, husband or wife tries to put between you the more grasping and clingy you become. 

You would not know it today, but all of the above pertained to me. No matter what someone said about how pretty I was, or how good I looked, I did not feel it. In high school I was one of the popular girls. I was an athlete, on the swim team, volleyball team, gymnastics team and a cheerleader. After high school I became a flight attendant when you had to look a certain way to be hired. I was slender, fit and still did not feel beautiful. It did not matter what anyone said to me - I did not feel it. I had to have a man to feel whole and loved. I felt empty and broken inside. I felt stupid, inept, clumsy and awkward. I constantly judged myself and others. Most of my words and thoughts were negative, condemning and destructive. My body was wracked with physical pain. I had migraine headaches, and was often sick. I went to the doctor often with mysterious illnesses that could not be found.

I missed work, showed up late and was generally unhappy and depressed. I jumped from job-to-job, looking for the elusive happiness. I did the same thing in relationships. When one didn't make me happy, I was off to the next. I was a very slow learner! I had no clue what made me happy. I was so busy trying to please my boyfriend, husband, parents, that I ended up feeling resentful, angry and lost. I had no soul purpose. I hated my jobs. Nothing was fulfilling to me. In relationships, I was never authentic. I turned myself into what I thought my boyfriend, partner, husband wanted. I tried to be the perfect wife, mother, friend. I failed miserably at it all. I was far from perfect. I felt like a wreck, broken and irreparable.

Most of my clients come to me because they don't feel it. When we strive to be perfect, instead of accepting ourselves as imperfect human beings, we set ourselves up for failure. When our thoughts are constantly negative and self critical we cannot possibly love and accept ourselves. When we don't love and accept ourselves, we also condemn and judge everyone around us. Our world is filled with negativity, because that is what is inside of us. People mirror back to us what our unconscious mind is repeating, over and over and over.

How Can We Change?

Like a fitness program, working on the self is important. In fact it is the most important work you can ever do in your life time. Changing your thoughts and words takes practice, but is possible. If I can do it, you can. I was the most negative person you would ever want to meet. I could find something negative to say about anything. I was filled with self loathing, guilt and shame. I felt unworthy. I felt empty and unloved. 

Plato said: Victory of the self is the greatest of all victories.

When you meet me in person, you will notice I wear a ring on my right hand. The ring has the word victory on it. I had it made in St. Augustine Florida in 2011, the year my first book was published: Odyssey Victim to Victory. I worked very hard to change my words and thoughts. It did not happen overnight. I went to hypnotherapists, energy healers and saw Traditional Chinese doctors, naturopaths, chiropractors, you name it. When I found something that worked profoundly, I became certified in that modality. I began to look at myself with kinder eyes, rather than that of a mean parent. 

What Can We Do To Change?

This video is raw - but real. See my imperfections?

1. Let go of trying to be perfect. I've got news for you, you are not perfect. So let that idea go! When you stop trying to be something you are not, you begin to relax. 
2. What others think of you is none of your business. Stop being concerned about people liking you. This world is not a popularity contest. Trying to get people to like you, is like wearing honey on your face and walking into a hornets' nest. You will get stung. 
3. Stop trying to please others. Pleasing other people will make you very unhappy and you will end up feeling resentful and unhappy for all you do, trying to please them. 
4. Change your thoughts, change your world.  I did not come up with this phrase, I think it was Wayne, Dyer. Truer words were never spoken. Wherever you focus energy, time and attention whether positive or negative, think of it like a penis ... it will grow! Now you won't be able to get this image out of your mind. GOOD! Change the negative for a positive mantra. I tell my clients to use:  I LOVE ME. It is simple. Play it in the background of your mind all day long for 30 days. Guaranteed you will see a difference in your world. Then come back and talk to me. Use this mantra any time you think a negative thought. It will change the thought patterns in your mind from incongruent, to congruent - this creates harmony in the brain and body. When you have harmony inside there will be harmony outside in your world. (This will change gradually.)
5. Treat yourself the way God would. If God wouldn't say it to you. You don't say it to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Find out what you love about yourself. Write a list.
6. Nurture yourself every day.  When people are insecure, they spend time giving and doing for others endlessly but don't take care of themselves. Instead, do something nice for yourself daily. Take a hot bath with Epsom salts, candlelight and a glass of sparkling water in a pretty wine glass. Paint your toenails, give yourself a facial, or take yourself to the beach or a beautiful park. 
7. Spend time in nature every day. Nature is beautiful. The sun fills your body with needed vitamin D3. Get your body outside! Walk in nature without your freaking cell phone. Turn off the television and get your butt off the couch. Nature will fill you with beauty and love. 
8. Express gratitude for what you have as soon as your eyes are opened. When we are unhappy, we feel we have nothing to be grateful for. We focus on the negative. You need to focus on what you do have, like eyesight, legs that walk and arms that move. Unless you are a paraplegic in which case, you need to be grateful to be alive, to have eyes that see and a beautiful mind that works. There is always SOMETHING to be grateful for. The more you focus on gratitude, the more good will come into your life. I promise you! This works.
9. Develop a relationship with The Divine, God, Allah, The Universe, whoever you believe in. This connection will fill you where no person, animal, or child possibly could. Having a daily spiritual practice of meditation, prayer, gratitude is what sustains us, fills us up and brings us lasting peace, harmony and joy. Without this connection, you feel like a ship without a sail, rudder and hull. I recommend The Divine Presence Process Meditation daily. This meditation was what I did daily for 12 months. I feel it was a large part of my becoming enlightened and self actualized in 2012. The Divine Presence Process Meditation on You Tube.

You Can't Please Everybody

When you stop trying to please everyone, it is interesting that you are giving yourself permission to please yourself. Being a people pleaser is a common complaint I see in my clients. They are so busy trying to do for others to keep everyone happy, that they are miserable. Letting go of the responsibility for other's happiness frees you to be happy yourself. Do what you love. Spend time doing fun activities. Please yourself. It is not selfish, it is self care.

I would love to hear what you think about this subject. What works for you? What doesn't work. I would love your feedback. If you liked this post, share it with a friend, Facebook, or other circle.

Jennifer is the author of Orgasm For Life. She is a teacher, Metaphysician, wise woman, with Shamanic tendencies. She is an adventurer of life, mother of 3 and like you fully human. She does not walk on water, though some think they have seen her do it. Jennifer is passionate about life, love and sex. Her lifelong vision is to help women and men come to a loving place of self acceptance and self love so that all their relationships will be healed. Jennifer lives life fully in every breath, enjoying the beauty of this planet and all of God's creatures. She spends time every day in Gratitude for you, being her, reading her posts and sharing what you learn. 

Jennifer is available as a private coach, teacher, workshop facilitator and is offering retreats this fall in several different locations, yet to be determined. Bali, India and the UK are all possibilities. If you wish to schedule a FREE session with Jennifer to discover how she could help you with your issues, her e-mail address is: JenniferElizabethMasters@gmail.com

You can find Jennifer's books on Amazon -