By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
There are times in our lives that we feel completely broken. Feeling unloved can drive us to do some really crazy Sh*t. In fact, we may even feel a little crazy when we do what we do. Emotional abandonment, sexual molestation and physical abandonment by our parents when we were children are only some of the causes for treating our partners like crap.
It is my wish that this article will help you understand your motivation or your partner's for the things that have occurred and were said during your emotional upheaval.
Women and men can exhibit behavior that dares you to love them. They appear to push you away and then manipulate you to give them love in other ways.
Fracturing occurs when a childhood event, like a rape creates a rift in their soul. Emotional fracturing leads to deep wounding when a trusted or loved person breaks the bond of boundaries. This wounding can be healed with compassion, patience and time. Hypnotherapy, energy healing along with coaching to change thought patterns and the unconscious mind help tremendously. It took me over thirty years without a coach to heal my trauma. Two hypnotherapy sessions helped Alice with her rape trauma.
The worst of the worst
There are several situations that lead to feeling emotionally abandoned and fractured. I have listed the worst here for your review. Children become fractured, pieces of the soul are literally shattered and scattered into the ethers when these events occur. Give yourself compassion for what you have experienced. Forgive yourself using the Ho'oponopono Prayer and then forgive your perpetrator. Forgiveness releases you from the burden of resentment and suffering.
- Molestation by anyone four years older than yourself. Any type of molestation fragments the soul. Self-esteem becomes non-existant (though Narcissistic behavior can attempt to compensate). Challenges with boundaries become our life's work. Co-dependency is prevalent as well as sexual addiction and other addictive behaviors. Molested children often become sexually active early in life. Children who were abused often grow up to abuse others, as it was their lessons in what love is (although false). Sex is confused with love. Diabetes can occur as food addictions can surface from a need to feel loved. Food helps us stuff our emotions and allow us to escape slightly from the pain. Negativity, illness and a thirst for love will ensue. Until self-love and complete self-acceptance occurs healthy relationships are impossible.
- Rape, sodomy or inappropriate touch by anyone, especially a parent, step-parent, religious figure, Scout leader or teacher. 17 million men have been raped, and molested. Most never get help. Sexual addictions, alcoholism, and drug addiction is often evident in those who have not healed from this trauma. Everything from 1. is included here as well. A loss of innocence leads to anger, rage and often abusive behavior towards partners.
- Alcoholic mother. Having a mother that is an alcoholic is worse than having a father who is alcoholic. Our mothers nurture us, care for us and love us. An alcoholic mother is not capable of any of these things. They are completely emotionally unavailable, leaving her children feeling broken, emotionally stranded and abused in so many ways. Relationships are extremely difficult for those who have experienced this type of trauma. Anger is always prevalent. Depression becomes apparent as well as anger you feel you don't have a right to becomes stuffed and ignored.
- Alcoholic parents. When both parents are alcoholics our dysfunction rules our lives. With alcoholic parents, we are forced to grow up too fast. Our innocence is stolen. Our view of reality is skewed. Having order is a necessity to make sense of a life where no one was present enough to love us completely. Addictions, anger, depression, even abuse follow us when our parents are alcoholics or drug addicts. Self-esteem is extremely low and therapy, counseling, hypnotherapy and self-love coaching is imperative for a healthy balanced life. Meditation practice helps tremendously.
- The Death of a parent. No matter how old we are, losing a parent is debilitating. Losing a parent before the age of ten is extremely damaging. Losing a parent as a teenager leads to co-dependence, addictions, and low self-esteem.
- The helpless viewing of a parent being abused is extremely debilitating. You could become abusive yourself. Anger, depression and addictions could be prevalent. Low self-esteem is a matter of course. Helplessness can govern your life until it is cleared.
Manipulation is also known as Gaslighting. It occurs when false information is presented in such a way to cause the other to think that they didn't remember something clearly. It is also referred to as Ambient Abuse, a delightful name for music, but not something you want in a relationship.
Manipulation can also occur when we use a back door to get what we want. It is never a positive thing. Manipulation is a dark energy and occurs when we can't ask outright for what we want. We use subversive tactics to get our needs met. "Do you love me?" is what is being asked when you read between the lines.
Feeling Unloved and Unworthy
Having been in the place of feeling unworthy and unloved, I know that this leads to grave inadequacy. We don't love ourselves enough to be able to receive love. We can't feel it, see it or hear it when it comes. Our shields of protection and unworthiness prevail. "No one could ever love us, so you must be lying."
When someone dares you to love them, they need help. They are powerless to make the changes themselves. They are crying for help.
Wounded People Wound Others
When we are hurting, we often lob insults, abuse and other horrible behavior at those we love. Sometimes it flies out of our mouths and we feel dreadful guilt and shame afterward. Once words are spoken or shouted we can't take back the damage. Abuse chips away at the love that was once there. Having been on the receiving end, I know for a fact that eventually the only feelings we have for the other are negative.
When Fear Motivates Us
Fear reigns supreme when abuse is prevalent. No one deserves to be abused either physically or emotionally. Any type of abuse leaves us feeling raw, useless and unlovable. Feeling afraid of our partner is no way to live. Even the threat of violence is abuse. I remember hearing others say to me, well if he didn't hit you it isn't abuse. Then he hit me. The threat of violence is just as debilitating as being hit.
What Can Be Done?
- Hire a coach who has been there. Someone who has healed their own trauma and loves themselves is imperative. Often therapists and coaches are doing the work they do to heal themselves. Not everyone is awake and healed.
- Forgive. Letting go of the past is imperative to heal.
- Love Yourself! When we are wounded we look for love outside of ourselves. Until we find it within, we can't receive or give love in balance. Take one of my audio courses, like Aphrodite Effect, or Happiness Jumpstart, or The Shift. These are reasonable offerings that will clear your patterns of self-destruction and unworthiness. Barring that, download my APP and listen to the FREE offerings available.
- Use mantras several times a day. Mantras are very healing. Remember you have had these feelings for years. Don't expect to do a few mantras and be good-to-go. Recite the following daily. I AM LOVED. I AM SAFE. I AM SECURE. Repeat silently while driving. Watch how your world begins to shift.
- You are Worthy and Loved already! Yes, I mentioned it above. Look at yourself while nude in the mirror. Tell your reflection you love and accept yourself the way you are. Go over each body part, "I love my face, I love my breasts, I love my stomach, I love my bottom, I love my legs, I love me!" Do it daily.
- Fill the emptiness inside. Often we feel empty because we feel unloved and unworthy. Following this post will help you. Click here.
- Heal the numbness and lost memories from childhood.