Sometimes we don't recognize what we have till it is gone. Sometimes, there is such pain and hurt in a relationship that hatred, anger and resentment blocks us from seeing the love that is present underneath it all. When we sever a relationship through divorce or a break-up, it can be years before we let go of the hurt, anger and resentment. When we do, we might feel very differently about that person. This is one of those stories. The truth, from my heart. You know I am very open about the lessons I have learned. I hope that my sharing will help you so that you can learn through my experience. Recognizing the love that is present now, can save you years of pain, suffering and sorrow.
Even before we were married, Rich's true colors became evident. He had intense anger, rage and jealousy. At first, the jealousy fed my ego. Later on, it became possessive, and exclusive of all others, including family. It was us against the world. The "us" against the world does not work. We need our families, both sides to accept our mates. We had neither. In fact, Rich had me so alienated from
|2003, Alpharetta, Georgia|
Rich was compelling and persuasive. He was a fitness freak. He ran daily and lifted weights. His degree was in physical education. He was a strong role model in many ways for my sons. It was because of him, that they became involved in fitness and running.
Rich talked me into being a stay-at-home mom. After an event at a mall while we were shopping, I made the decision to quit my job. My sons needed me to be home, as did our new baby girl. Rich felt that if I was to be a mother, I needed to care for her, rather than work outside the home. He actually would not let me work. How could an independent woman become so totally dependent and weak-willed? Fear. Rich would get angry and threaten to punch me in my face. He often punched walls, or a door jams inches from my face.
Rich implemented new rules for my boys. My oldest became quite resentful. Rich was not his father. I tended to be a lessez faire type of parent. With few boundaries. Rich was the opposite. He was authoritative. Adam and he butted heads often. One day when Adam was taking a particularly long time to get the dishes done, Rich told him, "Get in there and do the dishes or I'll plant you!" Adam retorted in his teenage way, "So plant me!" Rich literally flew across the room grabbed Adam around his neck and strong-armed Adam to the ground. Adam lay motionless on the ground while Rich tightened his grip around his neck. David ran up and down the stairs, yelling, "Call 911! Call 911!" My whole body felt like it was vibrating with fire. I was in abject terror. It reminded me of a scene with my mother and father, long ago. Now I understand how I attracted this abuse into my life. It was imprinted into my cellular memory. It vibrated out into the Universe and called this man to me.
I screamed at Rich to let go. Rich did not remember a thing about this event. He did not remember his hands around Adam's neck, nor the fact that he would not let go. His anger turned into blind rage. He was tapping into a moment in time when his mother was beaten and punched in the face by her husband, when Rich was 8 years old. We both had similar imprints. Rich was never able to clear his. Like his father, he put me down and criticised me. I was a good cook, but his comments were always negative during and after a meal, never uplifting or empowering. Each angry outburst chipped away at my trust and love for him. I eventually became very shutdown and closed off emotionally.
Our marriage was not all bad. Rich helped me to see how I lived in self pity. He was the first spiritual partner I ever had. He was my soul mate. In soul mate relationships, we often have tremendous strife, conflict and growth. Soul mate relationships can be the most challenging. I now wonder why people are so enamored with this type of relationship, having barely made it out of mine alive.
Rich encouraged me to start a business. Had it not been for him, I would never have had the courage to branch out on my own
and start my landscaping business, For Heaven Scapes. He gave me my first landscaping job, working for a prominent fertility doctor in Atlanta. Rich even helped me brainstorm for the name of my business.
Doing What We Say We Will Never Do
By the end of our marriage, not only did Rich use all the equity in my home, his building business went belly up. He became severely depressed. He spent his days in his office above our garage, while I worked my butt off in my landscaping business. When people asked later on if my husband was my partner, it angered me. Rich sat on his butt while I loaded and unloaded my trailer night after night.
He was physically incapable of working. I scrapped out his half built houses and scraped paint off the brand new commodes and tile flooring, trying to get his homes to sell. Four of his properties were returned to the bank. We lost our 4,000 square foot home. We went bankrupt after he insisted on building a home of his own, that we could neither afford nor keep. Although I had a very pleasant home in a beautiful neighborhood where Adam and David were happy, he could not live in my home, it had to be HIS.
Our egos can cripple our relationships. So can rage. Abuse chips away at the love and creates fear. Love does not create fear. When I refused sex, Rich raped me. When I wanted sex, he refused. He controlled every aspect of my life, including my children. He forced me to send Adam to live with his father. You might ask, incredulously, where was my will? I was terrified. The constant threat of abuse had me crippled with fear. The threat of violence was always present.
As soon as David turned 14, he left to live with his father as well. I felt like my world was crumbling under Rich's anger and control. It was. When I went off crying one night in my Ford Explorer, I parked in the parking lot of the middle school on a dark road. I sat crying in my vehicle. My weeping set off a charge which turned all the lights in the parking lot off all at once. It was the first time I really recognized my power. I stopped crying and the lights came back on.
I wished that Rich would be hit by a bus. I wanted him dead. I could see no way of getting out of our marriage alive. I was
|Looking miserable at the end of our marriage in 2008.|
My mother had concerns and asked what happened to me? Friends were systematically eliminated from our circle. Rich did not like having people over. He did not want visits from family members. He wanted ultimate control. It was what his father did. He adopted the same paradigm. He told me that as soon as my sons turned 18, out they must go! It was what his father did, he followed by example.
Rich's control and rage became overwhelming. His anger scared me. He had guns that I was concerned about. When the comedian, Phil Hartman's wife shot him, I hid Rich's guns. I was in such fear that he would shoot my daughter and I while we slept. He was angry that I would not tell him where they were, but it made me feel safe.
|Adam, David, Ariel all in For Heaven Scapes garb|
When I became a Georgia Master Gardener, I was offered a job as a lawn and garden manager in Woodstock, Georgia Rich told me I couldn't leave our daughter in daycare. I invited Rich's mother to come live with us, to take care of our daughter. I felt like I was imprisoned. Rich's mother acted like a friend to me, but when I confided in her, ran to Rich with the information.
Finally, with the help of a friend, I found the courage to tell Rich his control was too much and I was done. I invited a family member to visit while Rich moved out of the house. I was so afraid that he would harm Ariel or me, in his anger. Our divorce was awful. He insisted on joint custody. Ariel cried every Sunday night with me knowing she had to spend the week with her father. He
|Upon my return from India|
Fast Forward 8 Years
There are so many lessons learned from this relationship. We tried 7 times to reconcile. Rich could be quite sweet when he wanted something. As soon as I had sex with Rich, his old controlling patterns surfaced. I knew we could not be together as lovers. The love that was present early on, became more evident as we healed from the past events. Even though there was abuse,
control and many difficulties, we eventually became friends. We had a daughter and history between us. Once you move beyond the anger, you recognize the presence of the love, that never went away. It never does. It is just masked and hidden under the emotion and resentment. We often avoid our feelings by putting them aside. They eventually resurface and blindside us at the most unexpected times.
When I received guidance to move to Boulder, Colorado in 2011, I was afraid to tell Rich. My guides told me it would be okay. I had difficulty believing that this was true, but it was. Rich decided in the same week to move to North Dakota to work in the oil fields. I knew he would die there and was concerned for his well-being. I predicted his death, which occurred on July 4th, 2012. He died in his sleep with a smile on his face. He came to me that night, explaining that "a door simply opened and he walked through." I have experienced my own walk through the tunnel of light in 2013. I chose to remain here with my daughter and was backed quickly out of the tunnel. I still had work to do. I knew I was not done here.
Rich never stopped loving me, although his imprinting of family abuse caused his own issues with rage and abuse. Although he had deep patterns and trapped emotions that I did not know how to clear back then, he asked me why he could never get beyond his rage. The rage caused him to have HTP, (premature ejaculation). Premature ejaculation is caused by trapped emotions. It can be healed and remedied. This is part of the work I do now.
The Moral Of The Story
Soul mate relationships are not always delightful. In fact, they can be the most challenging relationships that we experience. We attract those we have the deepest issues with. The relationship mirrors our issues back to us, to help us resolve ours. Our energy field reverberates out into the Universe and we are matched with people of similar issues.
Rich was extremely possessive, jealous and controlling of me, but he was the one that had multiple affairs with clients, not me. Jealousy is a sign of deep self loathing, and low self esteem. People who have healthy self esteem are not jealous.
When too many issues in both parties are negative, the relationship implodes. Rich and I both had abuse and addiction in our family of origin. I had sexual trauma in my childhood as well. We were seen by two different traditional therapy counselors. In the first situation, when Rich was forced to look at his issues he became violent and threatened the therapist. That ended our therapy. The second instance, Rich was made out to be the good guy, I was the bad one. We also went to an energy healer who was an acupuncturist. I highly recommend acupuncture for many issues and clearing of energy, however it does not clear trapped emotions. In my experience traditional therapy keeps you stuck in your issues, rather than clearing the problems from the point of origin.
I had committed to healing my life prior to meeting Rich. I know I called him forth, after my father died to heal my past. After our separation, I did deep energy work and introspection. This is when I was guided to create the tools for my healing work in use today. I recognized that I was the common denominator in all my relationships. It was a big aha moment for me. I was not a victim, but a victor. This relationship dredged up my deepest darkest issues for me to see and heal.
Rich was a loving father to his daughter, however controlling and protective he was. He did the best he could. The fact that he worked
Be Careful What You Wish For
Our thoughts are powerful. Did I wish Rich dead? When I was in the middle of the melee and the mess? Yes, I did. Did I cause his death. No. That I know for sure. I do miss our conversations and the depth of his understanding of me. My daughter will not have her father to see her graduate college. He has already missed her high school graduation. He will not walk her down the aisle, should she choose to marry. Although I know he sees and hears what is going on in her life, physically he is not here for her to hug, or talk to about her daily life. Once we love another, that love is always present, although sometimes hidden under sorrow, pain and suffering.
Yes, I told Rich about the possibility of his impending death in May. He had an abscessed tooth that he had not taken care of due to financial issues. He came to me the week of Ariel's 16th birthday and asked me to intuitively check in for him. I told him that the abscess had cleared his gum line, but the infection had travelled to his heart. I also directed him to go back to his dentist to get a different antibiotic to treat his heart infection, rather than a broad spectrum antibiotic. When he called his dentist, he was told the antibiotic was fine. So much for medical advice and care. Sometimes, we need to trust the guidance we receive and fight for our own health. Rather than to entrust what another with our life and health.
Rich was an avid runner. Although fit, he ate ice cream every single night. Not just a small bowl, but a big heaping bowl. His favorite was Espresso chip by Edy's. He would often eat ice cream, but not allow Ariel to have it, which caused her great resentment.
He ran the Peachtree Road race 26 years in a row. In 2012, July 4th the day of the Peachtree Road race was the day he left his body in Williston, North Dakota.