By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
The following is an excerpt from Orgasm For Life. I invite you to buy your copy on Amazon so that you can deepen your loving connection and create sacred sex with your partner. Sex is an expression of love. It is not just about banging body parts together. Sex is about mutual pleasure, loving attention and mutual bliss. Through sexual expression and a loving connection, you will find your relationship is taken to a higher level of love.
I am not saying renounce sex; I am saying transform it. It need not remain just biological: bring some spirituality to it. While making love, meditate too. While making love, be prayerful. Love should not be just a physical act; pour your soul into it. Osho
Love That Lasts
Sex is not just about “getting some.” Sex is also about giving. Often in the process of giving we get turned on. Sometimes we are so co-dependent that we give from a place of emptiness, then feel resentful for giving. We have to be fully empowered as an individual to contribute fully in a relationship.
Go With The Flow
Bliss is joy. Enjoy life as a wonderful experience of little Blissful events and being open to receive. When we are open and let go of control we allow all the possibilities to show up on our doorstep.
The happier we are with ourselves, the more positive experiences occur. Blessing our partners, being kind and loving all day every day rather than just when it comes time to have sex, is key. Life is one big orgasm when you enjoy whatever happens. Each day can be blissful when we wake up being grateful to be alive. The more positive and loving of ourselves, the more positive and loving and accepting of others we are.
Equality and Power
The happiest couples have equality within the relationship. Power is spread evenly while both parties are perfectly able to live singly if the need arises. Neither is dependent on the other or is happy alone. The relationship is the icing on the cake. Rather than the relationship is everything. When a relationship becomes more important than the individual, a pattern of giving too much while losing one’s self occurs. It is important to retain integrity of self, rather than giving up your soul for a relationship. When you give up friends, family or even a job to make your partner happy, eventually one or both of you will become resentful.
You may recognize that you have lost yourself along with your own way. This is often when one party will leave the other saying they need to find themselves. They gave too much because they did not love themselves enough to develop, then set and implement healthy boundaries. One rushed home while the other went to the gym. One became a home body while the other became embroiled in a life outside of the marriage. There needs to be balance. Doing things together, like travel, vacations, and activities that are fun. Not just the drudgery of work, kids and sleep.
Sex Is The Glue - Not The Foundation
Sex for the average healthy couple in a long-term committed relationship or marriage often becomes dull and ordinary. It takes time, effort, creativity and devotion to keep sex passionate, but also exciting. Many people put their love-life on the back burner after just a few years, downplaying its importance. Having time each week for fun, dinners out with a chance to talk and reconnect is imperative for the longevity of the relationship or marriage. The relationship is important, but neither party should give up everything for the other, either. A healthy balance is required.
Communication needs to occur on a daily basis. Honesty, integrity and authenticity builds intimacy. Deep profound intimacy includes regular conversations that are meaningful, being present while listening to one another. Conflicts need to be resolved quickly rather than dragging on for days. Yelling at one another, name-calling, abuse or sarcasm have no place in a balanced healthy relationship. Blame and victimization are also not productive.
An equitable distribution of power within the relationship is imperative for the longevity of a marriage or partnership. When one person holds all the power and dictates how the household is run, the other is left feeling disempowered and impotent. Oftentimes when one person wields the power, there is an air of fear or control. A relationship needs to be a loving partnership void of fear.
My personal experience growing up was one where my father held the purse strings and dolled out money to my mother. Although they disciplined us children together at times, intimacy was missing between them. I feel that was due to my father’s rage.
In one of my marriages, rage, control and fear figured prominently. Interestingly enough he was the same husband who told me I had a fear of intimacy. Was my fear of him, or rather intimacy? I was terribly afraid of him. When we are afraid of our partners, it is difficult to allow them close. Each time a wall is punched, or we are threatened physically, a piece of love is chipped away, never to return. When we live in an abusive household, it feels like walking on eggshells, which creates uncertainty. We never know when rage or anger will erupt. Rage, low self-esteem and abuse go hand-in-hand. They do not allow closeness or real love in because of the underlying patterns of unworthiness, and abuse.
The sharing of power is what leads to deep and lasting intimacy. Friendships outside of the relationship allow each partner to express emotions outside of the marriage or partnership - lessening the emotional dependence on the partner. Feeling that you only need one person in your life places a huge amount of pressure on the partnerships instead of spreading the need for emotional support within a network of friends.
When one person gives up too much of themselves, core values are compromised. Accommodating too much can also create resentment. Intimacy is more important now than ever, meaning that relationship equality has become more important. In each relationship, partners have ups and downs. We pick up the slack for each other in these times. To think that a division of power can be perfect is to say that there is a perfect relationship, which only happens in Disney movies.
Adventures In Monogamy
There are many advantages to monogamy. As trust builds, intimacy deepens. Sex can improve as two people get to know each other through the exchange of ideas, thoughts and dreams. With good communication about preferences and desires exchanged outside of the bedroom, connection between couples deepens. You take your love and love-making to a higher level. Sex becomes an artform, one of sensual pleasure with bliss for both parties. As connection and trust build, an openness to explore different options like dressing up in sexy lingerie while doing a strip tease a la, Nine And A Half Weeks might ensue.
Nothing is off-limits unless you mutually decide it should be. Being creative with love-making can help keep your love alive and your relationship strong. More often than not, couples fall into the trap of cursory quickies which usually satisfy the man, but rarely give the woman what she needs.
Life happens, bills pile up and children are born. The stress of work, raising a family coupled with the issues of finances takes a toll on intimacy and relationships. The best marriages continue to have regular love-making sessions, rather than quickies as a steady diet. Instead of having sex several times a week, most couples begin to fall into the pattern of sex once a week or even less than once a month. Most normal healthy men require sex more than three times a week well into their 40s. From the men I interviewed most report that they could have sex every day with the “right” woman. Women’s desire rarely matches the sexual appetites of their partners, causing resentment, anger or other issues within the marriage.
Burned Out and Turned Off
Sometimes, the attraction for a new person ignites a latent passion that has not been felt in years. Unfortunately, many couples are opting to have affairs because the home fires are no longer burning. One or both parties long for the flush and excitement of a new person. Staying faithful, committed to one person creates trust, opens you up to deep intimacy. This also creates a depth of expanded love that cannot be present when one or both parties have affairs. Sexually transmitted diseases are passed onto the unsuspecting partner.
Secrets cannot remain hidden forever; the truth eventually comes out. Depending on the foundation or commitment to stay together, 37% manage to work out their differences after an affair. Getting over the betrayal of an affair will take a toll on trust. The injured party has to let go to forgive. It takes a loving person, with good self-esteem to be able to repair the damage.
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