When you think of a first date, where does your mind go? Do you think ahhh - sex? Probably not unless sex is all you want. Though there are no steadfast rules about sex on the first date, however, if you are looking for a lasting relationship, you probably will want to re-think going to a hotel room or back-of-a-car rushed sex before you know the other person.
Sex and relationships bring up our deepest fears, regrets and insecurities. Dating is an investment in your future. A person who is truly interested in pursuing a relationship will not pressure you for sex on the first date.
|Fairy Tales and Sex|
Reading someone's profile and looking at the dating site that you met on will shed some light on whether your date is looking for a hookup or a relationship. We have to recognize that not all profiles are created equal. Some people lie. If someone tells you they love you and want to spend the rest of their lives with you on the first date, they are manipulating you to get you into bed. I can't tell you how many of these stories I have heard.
Whether you are seventeen or sixty years of age the result of sex on the first date is the same. When we begin dating a new person, we are starting from scratch. We have a clean slate. We know nothing about the other person. A first date might involve light conversation, flirtation and fun. It's an opportunity to see if there are commonalities or enough mutual interest for a second date.
The sizzle and magnetism of the first kiss. Looking into another's eyes and seeing the depth of their soul, then ripping their clothes off and cartwheeling into bed isn't the best way to start off a relationship. It might be a way to alleviate sexual tension, but it doesn't give you a decent chance for a successful relationship and here's why....
Every time we have sex with someone new we form invisible ties that connect us leaking our energy into those we have been intimate with until they are cleared. Men form a heart tie with their sexual partners and women create both a sexual tie and a heart tie. A private session with me can be scheduled to do this clearing.
Often as soon as the ties are disconnected and permanently cleared, the other person will think of you and feel the disconnect.
Ask Yourself These Questions
Is it mutually beneficial?
Is this what I really want?
Am I hoping to keep him by having sex?
What lies or manipulations are occurring to get me into bed?
Do I believe what he/she is saying?
When sex occurs at the end of the first date you may find some or all of the following are true for you.
- It's AWKWARD! The first time we rip each other's clothes off and tumble into the sheets can feel awkward. When we have sex on the first date we don't know the other person which increases the awkward quotient tenfold. Knowing someone first moves you past this awkwardness because you recognize their good qualities and know they are someone you would like to spend more time with. With first-date-sex, you probably have not discussed many issues regarding past relationships and elements about your sexual past such as STDs, precautions or preferences. Although there is an element of excitement present, that feeling can dissipate quickly once the physical needs are met. Many thoughts run through one's mind, "Should I be doing this?" "Will he call me again?" "How will I feel in the morning?" The awkwardness of the moment can leave one or both wishing it had never happened and drop your self-esteem into the proverbial toilet.
- You feel self-judgment, recrimination and shame. Even with today's Tinder, and other hookup dating sites, the women I talked to all said they felt shame after sex on the first date. Shame lowers your self-esteem, rather than improving it. Shame is the lowest vibrational emotion we can feel.
- Leaves you feeling needy. After sex on the first date, women report stocking FaceBook pages, MeetMe pages and Snapchats. When the morning after call never comes, the feelings of regret, shoulds and self-abuse can be intense. If you know this is what happens to you, don't do it.
- Kills respect. Few relationships last when built on a lusty foundation. First-date-sex may leave him wondering if you do this with all the guys. It can be a bone of contention (I had to say it) later on and leave you without self-respect and his.
- You only have one beginning. What's done is done. You can't turn back the hands of time and take back sex once it is given. Wishing and hoping that things were different won't remove the feelings of doubt you are left with after giving it up too easily.
- Your body is a temple. When you recognize your value you know what you are giving when you allow another to wrap their legs around you, and be inside of you. Sex is sacred and meaningful when it is reverent. When sex happens without a soul connection it is primal, animalistic devoid of love. Giving yourself to another without a heart connection can leave you feeling empty, disconnected and even depressed. Treat your body as if it has value and that giving yourself to another is a gift, something rare and special. When you wait you will feel a positive exchange of energy when your hearts are involved.
- Too much too soon. Once you have sex there is little to look forward to. Early dating is precious, fragile and often gut wrenching. Enjoy getting to know one another without clouding the experience with sex. Once we have sex everything changes. Keep the best for last. You are the best, your body is the desert of the dating process. Allow yourself to enjoy the first kiss when it feels right. Give yourself time to revel in the energy of just a kiss. Give your partner someone to think about wonder and even fantasize about. Allow the excitement to build over time, when you do your first experience will be one of revelry, joy and laughter instead of primal animalistic sex.
- Sex distorts emotions. When women have sex with a man we experience a release of oxytocin the love and bonding hormone. It has been scientifically proven that the sexual hormones released cause us to feel trust when there is no reason to trust. We feel love when there is no love present. Oxytocin was created to keep women bonded to their babies and the men that impregnated them. If you have sex you feel bonded to someone who may already be gone leaving you grieving and alone.
- You bond to someone you might not even like. Once the blush of a new beginning falls away you may find yourself in a relationship with someone you don't like or are have nothing in common. You might even find that they like kink or pain during sex when you prefer vanilla. Sex before knowing the other person can gloss over and prevent you from seeing the other's true colors till it is too late.
- Relationships that last are built on friendship. We begin to allow another to see our soft underbelly, our insecurities becoming more vulnerable over time. Once the barriers are
In my book, Orgasm For Life, I address the issue of dating do's and dont's. For more details buy my book on Amazon and read it cover to cover. Then read it cover to cover again! It will help both you and your partner!
babies. Sex on the first date opens you up to a plethora of issues, from STDs to pregnancy. You might not even like this person enough to want to sleep together, and challenges and puts sex above connection and physical attraction above love.
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