Sunday, April 5, 2015

A Modern Day Marytr?

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Martyrdom is one of the seven basic character flaws or dark personality traits. When feelings of worthlessness are dominant a strong feeling of being a victim is also present. A parent or role model for you in early childhood, can imprint you also with these same character traits. This is one pattern that I am very familiar with. My mother was and still remains a victim. 

I had hoped that things would change over time. In my mother's case when anyone brings up her patterns to her, she comes down with a migraine that lasts days, even weeks. A recent event in our family led to my ability to watch the whole scene play out before my eyes. My hope is that if either you or someone you love has this pattern, that they can get the help they need to heal this very difficult choice.

My mother was orphaned at the age of five. Her mother died when she was 32 after her last home birth. Her father poisoned himself after molesting his eldest daughter. This is very sad. My mother did not receive the love she needed to grow up with good self esteem. She felt empty and longing inside of her and still does. Although she is beautiful and healthy she is constantly looking for validation outside of herself from other people. She remarked to me that she is different depending on who she is with and that everyone is that way. (I used to be the chameleon changing for men and friends, but no more.)  People with good self esteem are authentic. They know who they are and they are the same with everyone.
We have heard this story repeated thousands of times over the years. When I came out with the truth about the childhood molestation that my mother allowed to happen, she told me to "get over it!" My brother feels very strongly about her telling me to get over something, when she has made no attempt whatsoever to get over her own victimization.

I no longer feel like a victim. However, this paradigm played out long into my 40's. I worked on it from the time I was 32. 

My mother is insistent on receiving thank you notes for gifts sent. In fact, so much so, that she stops giving gifts to those who don't thank her. When gifts are given to her she judges, critiques and
condemns them. They are never good enough, because she never feels good enough. At church she often tells parishioners that what they are wearing does not match. She is always trying to "help" other people improve, because she feels so worthless.

Recently, she asked my brother to drive a "friend" of hers to Toronto, a 2 hour drive in traffic, wait for her after her cataract surgery and then drive her back home. My brother knew very well if he said no to my mother, he would never hear the end of how no one ever helps her. Or no one ever does what she asks. No one comes to visit her and so on. 

My brother spent his entire day when he could have been doing things he enjoyed, with this friend of my mother's. Waited during the surgery and recovery period. Sat with her while she recovered and then drove her home. He was given a token sum of money, that clearly did not cover his time, energy or patience. He helped the woman find her keys when she could not. 

He stopped in to see our mother before he left her condo. My mother never once said thank you. My brother called me to vent. Knowing that this was going to cause a rift between my brother, his wife and family and our mother, I called her.

I suggested that he thank Tim. She got all huffy with me. "He didn't have to do it! He could have said no! He wasn't doing anything! He got paid for it!" She never once took any responsibility for her part in the whole event. She blamed Tim for everything. Then she went on to say, "Why am I always the bad guy! No one cares about me!"

When I called my mother back three days later she in her little victim voice said, "I've had a migraine for two days!" I asked her if she had called to thank Tim, she angrily told me, "I don't see that is any of your business!" My mother does not see anything wrong however, that she butts into other's lives, marriages and relationships. When called on her own stuff she can't take it. She reacts.

When my father was alive, he stood between us and our mother protecting her lest she might get upset. He also governed a lot of her behavior, tempering the affects for our family. At this point, my brother is so fed up with her cutting all his children off because they don't send thank you notes, and now she is refusing to thank him, he doesn't want anything to do with her. 

My brother's refrain: "She will be a very lonely old woman." She may be beautiful, but she doesn't have many friends. Her acid tongue isn't remorseful. She condemns, critiques and judges everyone harshly and wonders why no one wants to be near her. Her outer world is a reflection of her inner world, thoughts and emotions of self condemnation.

The Victim Persecutor Rescuer Triangle

There is a triangle of persecutor, victim and rescuer. This dynamic is where the victim looks for their white knight. Someone to pull them out of the whole they have created for themselves, whether emotional, financial or physical. The rescuer ends up being the victim also because they become disempowered and are disempowering the victim as well. 

These are the traits of a victim

  1. Do not take responsibilities for actions.
  2. When you bring up a victim's actions to them, they become extremely reactive and emotional.
  3. Victims blame others for the results of our own actions.
  4. Victims adopt some type of mechanism (anger, illness, upset, reactivity) that is clearly avoidance for the situation.
  5. Victims wallow in self pity. Why doesn't anyone like me?No one visits me. 
  6. Victims thrive on drama and may be addicted to it.
  7. Victims are addicted to their pain and suffering. 
  8. Victims have very low feelings of self esteem, unworthiness and feelings of not being loveable. 
  9. Give too much to others, even when not asked and then feel taken advantage of and not appreciated.
  10. Wants to be liked by friends, family and community and therefore will volunteer to do everything in order to be accepted.
  11. Looking for love in all the wrong places, outside of themselves. Relationships will be very challenging while living in victimhood.
  12. Addictions, spending, relationships, substance is often present. 
  13. Codependency figures prominently.
  14. Victims often attract vicimizers, because of the internal thoughts that are a beacon into the universe. Our thoughts bring back to us what we think and feel. If we feel we are a victim, the universe will agree, you most certainly are: her you go!

Victims are looking for love. Unfortunately, they look outside of themselves instead of loving and accepting the self. I love my mother. I accept her the way she is. At 92, I pray for her, I am
honest, loving and compassionate. I understand where her patterns come from. Miracles happen. I have not given up on her. 

I used to be a victim. It governed my life for over half of it. During this time, I felt others used me, yet I seemed to go out of my way to become involved in things that didn't concern me. I gave too much
and felt lost and isolated in my marriages. When my partners would come to me to discuss situations, I would become reactive. 

I wrote Odyssey Victim to Victory to help others heal their patterns of victimhood. It is one of the strongest parts of my recovery. My past no longer defines me. When I stopped being a victim, the self pity also went away. Self pity and seeking attention for others to pity us is a part of being a martyr. When we keep repeating the same stories about our past, we are stuck in this paradigm. Stop telling the tales of woe. Stop being a victim today and get the help you so deserve!

It does not have to be this way. I help you love and accept yourself so that you no longer feel like a victim. One of the first tenants is to take responsibility for your own actions. If you do something, OWN IT! Don't beat yourself up about it. It is a pattern than can be healed. Inner work, self discovery and energy healing, Neurolinguistic Programming and Hypnotherapy is part of the process I use. I help you systematically discover your patterns lovingly and compassionately. You are already whole. I help you remember who you truly are, and it is not a victim. You created this life, we can uncreate the patterns that are governing you.

These are the key ingredients to victimhood. If you are acting like a victim, there are serious repercussions from the universe for this pattern. Believe me, this next six months will unravel your world, if you don't. The energy on the earth is increasing in vibration. Patterns of addiction, victim, codependency and any other dark
shadowy parts of your personality that have not been dealt with, will be shown very clearly to you. It it time to heal these dark character flaws and love your life. Believe me you will be so much happier when you do. 

What People Say About Jennifer

Jennifer coached me from a place of darkness despair and depression. After a horrible codependent relationship and nastry breakup, I was lost and felt I needed a relationship to feel whole. Jennifer guided me to wait to date. I followed her advice. I now am in a loving, supportive relationship instead of one that was debilitating and abusive. CM Los Angeles

Jennifer Masters has remotely cleared  several members of my family. One case in particular has been both subtle and profound in the positive changes that have occurred. I am grateful for her power and dedication.

JLI, Denver

Contact Jennifer for your self discovery session to find out how she works and whether her work is a fit for you. Doing the assigned home work is part of the process. Each week lifts your vibration higher and higher. By the third week, you already feel better, happier and less depressed and much less anxious.