By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
A break-up can be the best thing that ever happened.
A broken heart is one of the most painful experiences a human can have. It hurts. It feels as if the world is ending. Your world as you know it certainly is. The more vested you were in the relationship the more it hurts.
Sometimes we are half in a relationship. We feel certain that there is someone else out there that is more suited to us than the person we are with. If you have been unfaithful in your relationship, this was probably the case. When you are fully vested and committed affairs are not the norm. When only partially vested, we see the benefit of the break-up, the change happened and was taken care of for us. When we are fully vested, we are fully committed and feel that the person we were with was THE ONE. Losing this person could totally change your life.
If everything you have ever dreamed of, all your future goals involved your partner, losing them means that your life is going to be radically different. Your dream of having children together and growing old together is gone. Sadness and loss will be experienced deeply. It is important to allow yourself time to really release them. There is always positive and negative in a relationship. Sometimes there is more negative than positive. Looking into what you learned afterward can be very cathartic. Focusing on the gift in the break-up can help you move forward. Each relationship teaches us something about ourselves. Focusing blame on one party does not take into account that there were two people in the relationship. There is always a lesson learned. Being grateful for the time together and the lesson will help you move on.
There are NO MISTAKES, only lessons
Each relationship is a lesson. When we begin to look at the experience as something that helped us grow, and see ourselves in a different light, we begin to understand the purpose of our relationships. Change is a constant. People change. Relationships change. We change. Expecting a relationship to last forever is a fairy tale. Even in a healthy beautiful supportive relationship, there is death at the end that separates us. Seeing the perfection in each moment, that everything is happening as it needs to, in the perfect time.
Allowing our partner to be who they are, rather than trying to change them is a loving act. Sometimes at the end of our relationship experience we recognize that we did not accept our partner completely as they were. We are able to see what we have learned from this experience. We have grown and learned what our patterns are. We have learned our weaknesses and strengths. We also gain clarity about what we want and don't want in our next relationship. Writing down our must haves and drop dead will not haves helps us notice our patterns when we begin to date. If we continue to attract the same type of person in our next relationship it is because we have not healed our issues. We have more work to do. Relationships are all about focusing on our inner selves. This is how we grow and become our highest and best version of us.
When a door closes, a window opens
If you have considered moving to a different country or state, now is a good time to make a clean break. You can start brand new, with a new career, new friends, new environment where nothing reminds you of the other person. You will always have memories, but not running into this person can help you focus on healing and moving on.
Challenges are Opportunities
The ending of a relationship can be a wake-up call. We recognize the areas where we need help or support. We can do a post mortem of our relationship and see where we could have done better. Sometimes, we give too much of ourselves and don't recognize it until our relationship ends. When we give too much we lose ourselves and then feel resentful.
Being a people pleaser is part of co-dependence. Co-dependent relationships occur when one or both parties put aside their personal needs and put the relationship ahead of everything else. This is a great time to hire a coach to clear up the issues and challenges that have plagued all your relationships. Healing the past will change the future. Use this time to get to know yourself on a deeper level.
Spending Time Alone Can Be The Biggest Gift
Time alone will help you to heal. Solitude after a break up gives you time to search your soul. You can look back at the events that led up to the demise of your relationship and see where you weren't true to yourself. Often we change ourselves to be more of what we think our partner would want us to be. When we act like our partner wants us to, we are not authentic. When we are inauthentic, we put our own needs aside, but moreover it is exhausting. Trying to be someone other than who you are is not healthy. The more authentic you can be, the more intimate your next relationship will be.
The biggest personal growth happens after a break up. Take the time to write, dig deep and look inside to see where you were not true to yourself? Did you give too much? Did you give up friends, family or a job? Don't jump into bed with the next live body you see to drown your sorrow and grief. This could lead to another relationship when you have not even begun to heal from this one. For every two years in the relationship you need one year to heal. If you enter into another relationship before you have time to heal and recover you will attract another lonely, empty person. Two lonely empty people do not create a good relationship.
Leaving an abusive relationship can be very difficult. Be thankful that you got away safely. There are two people in an abusive relationship. One is the victim and one is the perpetrator. If you are a victim, you have work to do and issues to heal. Jumping right into another relationship will bring you another relationship with similar issues. You have to do inner work and get some help to recognize where you did not respect yourself. A coach that is familiar with abuse, or had abuse in their own past and has recovered would be beneficial for you. If you were the abuser, you also have issue to heal and work to do. This is deep work and very difficult to do on your own.
When you are ready, you need to forgive yourself and your partner. Holding onto unresolved pain, anger and betrayal will attract it into your next relationship. I recommend a simple Kahuna healing prayer to forgive. Always begin with yourself when you are doing any kind of healing. Forgive yourself first. Spend about 20 - 40 minutes repeating the prayer thinking about the situation. Do the prayer slowly. When you feel complete stop. Come back and do the exercise again and again until you no longer feel a negative charge (or trigger).
I am sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
Here are some ways to help you move on peacefully:
- Return and amicably split up belongings.
- Let go of anything that brings up painful memories.
- Delete them as friends on social media. Seeing posts from your partner can be very difficult, better that you let them go.
- Avoid phone calls and texting your partner unless absolutely necessary. Don't call them asking advice.
- If anyone asks, be kind don't bad mouth your ex.
- Take time for yourself - nurture yourself or go to the gym.
- Write in your journal. Expressing your feelings as you experience them, on paper will help release them. Your notes will help you to see how far you have come.
- Spend time with supportive friends.
- Eat healthy and get enough sleep.
- Stay busy. Do the things you put off and were too busy to do before.
- Recognize that everything happens for a reason and it is over. Thinking about reconciling at this time will bring you false hopes. LET IT GO.
- Spend time doing things you enjoy.
- Allow yourself time to cry. If you are feeling anger, allow yourself time to go to the top of a mountain, or a place away from others and do some cathartic screaming. You have to move these emotions in a healthy way or depression will result. Depression is the result of stuffed pain, with repressed anger on top.
If you have not risked everything, you have not loved completely.
Jennifer is a life, love and relationship coach. She is available for private sessions and offers group coaching and workshops. She walks the walk. Teaching from experience. She is a Master energy healer and does past life readings and energy clearings where she clears the issues from past lives. You can e-mail her to schedule your FREE DISCOVERY session HERE