By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
Breakups aren't easy. Whether you have dated weeks, years or months a breakup will leave a painful void where there was once laughter, love, affection and fun. It is natural and normal to feel this way.
With social media and texting, getting in contact can be so easy and yet, so difficult to resist when you know you need to.
Stalking your ex's pages to see what they are up to is like putting pins under your fingernails, it is torture. There is always a silver lining, we just have to look for it.
What you do post-breakup can change your life in positive ways. These are my best heart-healing strategies for overcoming and moving on from a relationship gently.
1. Give yourself time to feel. When we have experienced life together and their toothbrush is no longer in your bathroom, you will feel more than a brief pang. You are going to miss them. Allow yourself to feel the loss and grieve. Sadness will come up even when you know the relationship didn't work on some level. Thinking that you shouldn't feel is crazy thinking. If you had sex, laughs, fun, enjoyed each other's company and shared your lives, there is a loss. Allow yourself time to grieve. When sadness comes up allow yourself to feel it, rather than attempting to stuff it down.
Cry if you need to. Crying is a tremendous healing release, allowing stress to leave your body and calming your nervous system down. It's okay. Crying will not kill you. It is natural.
2. Assess. Spend some time examining the relationship without judgment. Each experience we have with others brings us lessons and teaches us more about ourselves.
Look back at what you were attracted to, what you liked and didn't like. Assessing will help you find clarity about what you want. Journal about what was good in the relationship. No relationship is all bad. Until you know what you want, need and don't want you will continue to attract people that you are compatible with you.
No one is perfect, but there are some characteristics we might not be able to accept. Did you think you could handle a smoker, but found out you couldn't? Are you a drinker and they weren't? What are your deal breakers? Ask yourself the following questions about your most recent relationship:
- What surprised me?
- What was different from other relationships?
- What would I like from this relationship in my next?
- Was this person attractive?
- How did they treat you?
- What characteristics or values didn't mesh with yours?
- What did you find you must have?
- What did you learn about yourself?
- How did this relationship help you grow?
- What are you grateful for?
3. Don't start dating too soon. Many people jump from one relationship into another because they are afraid of being alone (this used to be me.) When we are afraid to be alone with ourselves, it is because we don't feel loved. We look for someone else to fill that void in us which leads to disaster.
The worst thing we can do after a breakup is to get back in the saddle before we have had a chance to grieve and assess what happened and what we want. Take some time to visit friends you haven't seen in a while. If you gave up yoga for your relationship - get back into it. Nurture yourself, rather than trying to fill a void or emptiness with mindless dating.
The worst thing we can do after a breakup is to get back in the saddle before we have had a chance to grieve and assess what happened and what we want. Take some time to visit friends you haven't seen in a while. If you gave up yoga for your relationship - get back into it. Nurture yourself, rather than trying to fill a void or emptiness with mindless dating.
Dating too soon means you haven't taken the time to heal your heart; it isn't fair to yourself or the next person you date.
4. Be Definitive. Once you have broken up, don't second-guess yourself or your partner's decision. Attempting to reconcile or being wishy-washy after a break-up does you no good.
5. Don't be surprised if you crave your ex. A relationship loss is like giving up an addiction; it has a chemical and scientific basis. Find something else to fill the cravings and the void that supports you in positive ways. Do your best to avoid filling this void with sweets, carbs or foods that you know don't support you.
6. Exercise. If you feel the need or craving come up, go outside for a walk, run or do some yoga. Support yourself by getting some healthy exercise. Play music that helps you feel happy. Exercise with music allows you to exert yourself a little more and lifts you up when you are feeling down.
7. Meditate. Meditation will help calm any anxiety you feel or misgivings regarding your breakup. Meditation relieves stress and can help get you grounded. Breathe deeply, filling your lungs to the top and exhale slowly. Continue to breathe deeply and slowly following your breath. If thoughts come up, just allow them to float off in a bright colored balloon, rather than to critique the fact that you had a thought.
Envision light is coming through the top of your head into your heart and then send it down through your core, your legs, your feet into the center of the earth. Having a spiritual practice can help you feel happier with you and your life.
8. Nurture yourself. Self-love is necessary for a happy life and healthy relationships. Have compassion for yourself.
Giving to yourself in positive ways will help soothe your spirit and your mind. Instead of beating yourself up, use positive affirmations that are loving, caring and kind. Take a candle lit bath in Epsom salts before bed. A soak in a bath tub can relax your body and allow you time to do inward and meditate calming you right before bed so that you sleep better.
How To Be Your Own Lover After A Breakup
9. Be grateful. Be grateful for the love you shared. Be grateful for what you received. Be grateful for what you learned about yourself. Be grateful that you are still alive. Gratitude is one of the fastest ways to open our hearts and feel love. When we look for it, there is always something to be grateful for even if it is that we learned what we don't want in our next relationship. Once we have a love for someone, love is always present - even if they aren't with us any longer.
Breakups aren't easy. Navigating your breakup using healthy strategies, surrounding yourself with positive, supporting people and keeping your body moving will help you process your emotions in a healthy way.
Not every relationship is destined to go the distance. Know that this ending is also a new beginning as you are that much closer to finding what you need and desire.
My heart goes out to you.
Jennifer is a healer and love coach that clears limiting beliefs, heart ties, blocks and self-sabotage from the past so that you can have the life, love, and happiness you desire. A healed healer herself, she helps others overcome anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, guilt, shame, insecurities that block you from having healthy relationships and happiness.
Envision light is coming through the top of your head into your heart and then send it down through your core, your legs, your feet into the center of the earth. Having a spiritual practice can help you feel happier with you and your life.
8. Nurture yourself. Self-love is necessary for a happy life and healthy relationships. Have compassion for yourself.
Giving to yourself in positive ways will help soothe your spirit and your mind. Instead of beating yourself up, use positive affirmations that are loving, caring and kind. Take a candle lit bath in Epsom salts before bed. A soak in a bath tub can relax your body and allow you time to do inward and meditate calming you right before bed so that you sleep better.
How To Be Your Own Lover After A Breakup
9. Be grateful. Be grateful for the love you shared. Be grateful for what you received. Be grateful for what you learned about yourself. Be grateful that you are still alive. Gratitude is one of the fastest ways to open our hearts and feel love. When we look for it, there is always something to be grateful for even if it is that we learned what we don't want in our next relationship. Once we have a love for someone, love is always present - even if they aren't with us any longer.
Breakups aren't easy. Navigating your breakup using healthy strategies, surrounding yourself with positive, supporting people and keeping your body moving will help you process your emotions in a healthy way.
Not every relationship is destined to go the distance. Know that this ending is also a new beginning as you are that much closer to finding what you need and desire.
My heart goes out to you.
Jennifer is a healer and love coach that clears limiting beliefs, heart ties, blocks and self-sabotage from the past so that you can have the life, love, and happiness you desire. A healed healer herself, she helps others overcome anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, guilt, shame, insecurities that block you from having healthy relationships and happiness.
Connect with Jennifer to schedule your free discovery
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