Wednesday, July 2, 2014
The Art Of Surrender
By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
I recently met with a client who told me that she has felt the need to speak out, stand up and go to war with teams, communities and friends. Boy, oh boy, I do remember feeling that I needed to fight with my exes. I fought for custody, money and material things. Looking back there are many things that I am able to see through new eyes. As we relinquish control we let go of fear and stand in faith. When we have faith that all will work out for every one's best - it magically does.
Let me tell you my extraordinary experience with surrender. It will change the way you think about divorce, marriage, relationships and life in general. Life is not supposed to be one big war. Our smaller selves, make it that way. When we have inner conflict, we fight with others. We try to change situations. We attempt to extract our own agenda. When we are at war there is no harmony in our lives, or within us. Peace does not come to those who are at war.
Win The Battle Lose The Relationship War
When I divorced my third ex-husband, Rich Resuta, I felt vindicated, I felt right. He was abusive, controlling and had affairs. He lied, cheated and did not want to pay child support. I wanted to make him pay. I wanted to make him pay for what he did to me. I was angry after our marriage ended. I had good reason to be, so I thought.
Rich insisted on shared custody. In this scenario, he did not have to pay child support. Each time we went to court, he won. When we met with the mediator, the mediator asked me to step out of the room and made a side deal with my ex. I was flabbergasted. This type of thing should NEVER happen in a mediated situation. I studied, did my homework and even bought a book, "Custody War." I was at war.
I fought for full custody, which is what my 7-year old daughter wanted. She cried every Sunday night when she was with me, knowing the very next day after school her father would have her for the next week. She had no roots, no home, because she was like a ping pong ball going back and forth between us. When she got sick, Rich had no idea what to do. I had to go to his house and bring Ariel whatever she needed at the time. I had to comfort her on numerous occasions.
Ariel would cry at his house wanting me. She missed me. So I fought for her rights. The guardian ad litem did not believe a word I said, or anything Ariel said. Thinking that Rich was telling the truth. When Ariel spoke up about what she wanted, the guardian thought I was filling her head with ideas, because that was what Rich told her. He schmoozed her. Flirted with her and kept the truth from her. So I fought for Ariel.
Each time I went to court, I spent almost $10,000. Hearing after hearing, I would leave the court in tears. I never won. I always left feeling that I had my face down in the dirt. I felt lowly. I felt beaten.
It was after a particularly long and grueling battle, where I asked friends, family members for letters about my parenting, and my relationship with my daughter. I was armed with photos of our life together, with animals, pets, and her brothers. I prepared for months. I toiled over the book with the letters and photos. Handing it over to the court system, I waited for the verdict. Shared custody remained. I felt shattered. On the way home, I had a conversation with my high self. I asked questions. I got answers.
Surrender - Where The Magic Begins
October 18th, 7 years after the onset of our custody battle, I made a huge decision that would change my life. Upon returning to my daughter, I told her I was giving up the fight. I was putting my boxing gloves away. Every time I fought, I lost. I knew there was a huge message here for me. I told Ariel she needed to tell her father what she wanted. I would no longer go to court to try to win. She felt hurt. She felt I did not want her to live with me full time. I told her that was not it at all. Of course I loved her. I wanted her to have a steady home, in one place more than ever. I just chose to not fight with her father any more.
Rich had moved in with his sister across town. It took him 45 minutes to drive Ariel to school during rush hour. I did not question his choice. I let it go. Ariel complained to me about the long drive, but she loved begin near her aunt and uncle. I knew that some good would come out of this.
Three months later almost to the day, Rich called me at 9:00 AM. I will never forget his words. "Do you still want Ariel to live with you full time?" "DO I?!!!!" I was ecstatic. "Of course, I do." Rich told me that his financial situation had taken a bad turn. He had to move in with someone. He would not be able to have Ariel stay wherever he was living. He moved in with his girlfriend, but was very private about that part. I did not ask. I knew he felt lost, sad and very disheartened about not having Ariel with him every other week. He had tried very hard to maintain a home in a very difficult economy. Both of us had contracting businesses. His was high-end residential home building. Mine was landscaping. Both of us had taken a huge hit financially because of the downturn of the economy.
Ariel had to wait till the end of the day to talk to me. She had to sit squirming in her desk at school with the excitement in her heart about her wishes being fulfilled. When we finally got together at the end of the day, we embraced each other and burst into tears. It had taken 7 years of fighting and three months of surrender, but Ariel got her wish.
Surrender is letting go. Surrender is having faith that everything will work out in spite of our ego-selves. Surrender is taking your firm grip off the steering wheel of life and allowing The Universe to work things out for every one's highest and best.
The Universe (God, The Divine, Allah) knows so much better what we need. We might not get what we want all the time, but we certainly get what we need.
We can't live in our passion when we have a firm grip on the steering wheel. When we align our hearts and minds with The Universal Mind (The God Mind) we step into the flow of life. We stop fighting and we begin to really LIVE!
What I learned from this experience is that fighting or warring to get what I want will always and in every way land me face down in the dirt. Surrender allows magic to happen and events to unfold that are exquisite. The Universe is always and in every way working FOR you. When we fight, we get fight back. When we fight, we are in conflict with ourselves. When we let go and let God (take over) we are in the FLOW. It is a journey of faith, trust and miracles. I would rather live with miracles that war. I learned my lesson, the hard way.
I am grateful for this lesson. After receiving a particularly hard one, I always say a prayer of thanks. Being grateful for our lessons, allows life to unfold in a softer way. When we push our energy, we only know of two outcomes. The Universe has infinite outcomes at her disposal. When we let go, we also let go of suffering, resistance and fear. Faith is where we stand, strong.
Jennifer will be on the Jamillah A. Jabaz radio next Tuesday at 11:30 AM PST. I have been asked back for a second week in a row, due to overwhelming excitement and interest in my book, and thought process. Join us for a fun, enlightening show on Tuesday, July 8th. This banner is from yesterday. Same show, different day.
Jennifer is a catalystic coach, author of Orgasm For Life, speaker and healer. She has been doing this work since 1998. She has recovered from addiction, codependency, sexual dysfunction, depression ..... the list goes on. She lives her life in joy, peace, harmony and passion. Ask her how to have this in your life, today. E-mail her here. or visit her website here.