Friday, May 16, 2014
By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
Even in marriage, sex can be transactional. "If you did more around here, I'd have sex with you more often." Or maybe even, "If you'd only pay more attention to me, take me out to dinner, or buy me something, then I'll have more sex with you."
We all know that prostitution is the oldest profession in the world. Sex is powerful. The need for sex is a huge motivator for many. A friend of mine, overheard a conversation at work with some of his co-workers yesterday, which prompted me to write about this very subject. As women, we don't like being thought of as prostitutes. He recounted the conversation as something like the following: "If he doesn't take me to a fine restaurant, then I'm not putting out!" this reduces sex to transactional manipulation. Like it or not, you are little more than a prostitute.
Manipulating with sex makes it transactional. There is nothing wrong with waiting to have sex with a man, when we are dating. As a matter of fact, I recommend it. I have had recreational sex myself, it doesn't fulfill me. I personally feel, that a connection, friendship or deep love between two people first raises the bar in your relationship to a higher level. The focus is on love first, rather than the physical.
We all have physical needs. Jumping into bed with someone on the first date can lead to a short-termed relationship or a one-night stand. We never know which. When we date and take our time to get to know someone, there will come a time when you feel you are both ready to take your relationship further. You mutually decide when the time is right. This is different then transacting for sex. When you set a price point in spending before you will have sex with someone, you are transacting for sex.
Bargaining in a marriage for sex makes sex a tool. Manipulating in any way is a low vibrational energy. There are other ways to get what you want. One of those is through honesty. Telling someone you are not ready to take your relationship further, just yet, is a better way. Asking for your husband to help you out, because you are drowning is a better way. Or maybe, you want your husband to help out, because you feel he is not pulling his weight. Relationships need to be balanced. When one person is doing too much, while the other sits on his fanny could really piss you off.
Being authentic, honest and forthright in communication is the way to go. Appreciating what the other does for you, however is part of this equation. We all need to be appreciated. We all want to be loved, accepted and desired. Appreciation in relationships is needed to show that you are not taking them for granted. Complacency in a relationship, shows a lack of caring, presence and respect.
Noticing your personal motivation and how you get your needs met is important. We can have our needs met without transacting for sex. Communication needs to be crystal clear, compassionate and respectful. If you are transacting for sex, it is time you did a little soul searching to find a better way to get what you want that is more positive, that will build the trust and deepen your emotional connection.
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